


The Way We Could Have Been

by SwanQueenShipper07



Series: Unrequited Love [1]
Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-28 22:01:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 50,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13280721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwanQueenShipper07/pseuds/SwanQueenShipper07
Summary: The first in a series of stories based on Patricia Highsmith's 'The Price of Salt' and Todd Haynes' film adaptation, 'Carol'.We all know that something happened between Abby Gerhard and Carol Aird...but what was it exactly? How did it come about? How did it end? This is only my idea of what happened and any ideas taken from either works belong to their respective owners.





	1. Ruth Herman.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there,  
> I will be updating either once a week or once every fortnight. I want the story to have depth and be written well which will take me time, but I promise I will update.  
> I hope you all enjoy!

_February 1949,_

Abby woke. Her blurred vision came into focus somewhat quickly, a smile playing on her lips as she remembered who would be coming over to her home that day, someone she hadn’t seen for some time. Memories of her and Carol played like a movie in her mind, young girls playing games together, drawing pictures, playing with dolls, running around in the mud much to their mothers’ dismay. She remembered that her favourite doll was called ‘Gale’ and Carol’s favourite was ‘Ivy’, named after her favourite twisting vines. Gale and Ivy were best friends for life, because as long as their treasured dolls were friends, they would also be friends. Fond feelings returned to the pit of her stomach at the thought of ‘friends’, the smile on her face growing. She had missed Carol. It wasn’t that they had particularly stopped being friends, but as their lives changed in twists and turns from childhood to adulthood, they had found themselves growing further apart. Neither of them noticed until they had stopped speaking. Abby had worried it would be a permanent part of her life.

But then yesterday, whilst at a dinner with a potential ‘love interest’ that her mother had set up for her, she saw her glide through the restaurant. Her brown eyes immediately grew darker at the sight of her striking legs that led up to a well-rounded set of beautiful curves, feelings returned that she didn’t know she had ever experienced with her. She supposed she was too young to place those sorts of feelings then. Abby desperately tried to give attention to the man sitting across from her, but she could barely keep her eyes off the soft blonde curls facing her whilst their owner was now sitting across from a man she didn’t know. Gerald, her ‘date’ that she never would have taken an interest in, left soon after Carol had arrived. This was of course after he had eaten his dinner and bid her goodnight. Abby barely heard herself as she repeated his farewell back to him, her attention still focused on her old friend. She sipped the martini in her hand and leant back into her chair, hoping it would give her the courage to talk to the woman she had lost not so long ago.

Abby was always one to talk about her feelings, but this was mostly because she had a physical attraction to women, one of lust and wanting, there was usually no aspect of falling in love for her. Perhaps Abby never spoke about her feelings at all, since she had only really had feelings for two people. If the others turned her down it would be no skin off her nose, there would always be more. But with Carol it was different. Strong feelings arose when she saw her eloquent – now acquaintance – enter the room. She used the olive as a makeshift spoon to swirl the liquid around in her glass. The action had her mesmerised, thinking about the time when she first realised she was not normal. Well, not normal as far as she knew.

The Great Depression took away many of the schools across America, the government found themselves unable to spend money on such belittling things like girls’ education. Of course, boy’s education continued as best as it could, angering Abby to her core. It was from there that Abby was home-schooled by a private tutor her parents had hired for her after her school for girls closed permanently. Her tutor was a woman named ‘Ruth’, only recently unemployed due to her lack of experience in the teaching field. She was an excellent teacher however and Abby’s father thought she would be a perfect tutor for his daughter. Abby was transfixed from the moment she entered the room. She was only 11 and didn’t understand the need she felt to impress Ruth or need to get her to give her attention. She didn’t understand why her mind was transfixed on the way her curves were so appealing or why she noticed the way her blue eyes sparkled when she turned to look at the sun… She certainly didn’t understand why she felt the need to lace her fingers through the long blonde locks falling graciously to the back of her waist.

As the years passed, Abby’s feelings only grew stronger for Ruth. At 15 years old, Ruth was only 12 years her senior, the attraction was more than just physical, and Abby found herself becoming braver with her tutor, and braver with her body in the privacy of her bedroom. On a particularly sunny day Abby found her body temperature rising to uncontrollable levels. It was only partially because of the weather. She asked Ruth if they could go for a walk and find somewhere in her acres of garden to work in the fresh air, to which Ruth agreed. She was clearly also very warm, though her risen temperature was most likely because of the weather, Abby had thought. They strolled along the grass far away from the house, both talking and laughing. Abby had found Ruth to be a friend as well as a teacher. Though Abby’s parents made sure she still had a strong social life with their friend’s children and other children her age for that matter, including Carol, she found Ruth’s company could be compared to none. Her heart swelled the more she heard her friend’s laughter at her quick-witted jokes, she didn’t want the music to end. Eventually they found a nice spot in the shade where they could work comfortably. As Abby sat down, her dress rose a little higher than acceptable in her father’s eyes but when she saw Ruth glancing at her pale thighs, she chose not to amend the outfit. They worked together rather quietly, whenever she was brave enough Abby looked over at Ruth who would sometimes be looking at the newly revealed skin her dress had shown. She decided to see how Ruth truly felt.

“Ruth, I was wondering…” Her mind whirred with the possibilities of how her next question could change their relationship, she didn’t want it to change for the worse and panicked. There was no taking back the words she had just uttered however and he improvisation skills were lacking to say the least.

“Yes, Abigail?” Ruth looked directly into her eyes, as she always did when Abby had a question. She could feel her saliva building on her tongue as she heard her full name roll through her tutor’s voice box. She tried to swallow it down but it returned as quickly as it had pushed away.

“I was wondering if you have ever been in love?” She smiled coyly, preparing an answer for student.

“Did you meet a handsome bachelor at your father’s party last night Abigail Gerhard?” Abby and Ruth both laughed, only then did Abby realise she had never had the feelings she felt for Ruth for a man.

“No, I did not. I’m just wondering if you have anyone?”

“I have been in love once, to answer your first question, but he is long gone now,” The ‘he’, Abby had expected, the punch to her gut she had not. She tried hiding her disappointment and nerves with her next question.

“Have you ever felt anything for a woman?” Ruth looked at her quizzically, her eyebrows turned down into frown before answering.

“Those sorts of feelings aren’t right Abby,” She looked away then, down towards her lap despite being leant back on her hands.

Abby turned away from her, the tears pricking her eyes threatening to fall. She would not allow it, Ruth hated it when she cried, she had stopped years ago in yet another attempt to impress her. The pain she felt now seemed overwhelming though and she worked hard to stifle her cries. She decided to lay down on her front letting her then long hair fall around her face, placing her book in front of her so she could read in privacy. Her stomach seemed to drop into the ground, her face sunk involuntarily, her mind became fuzzy. She was so deeply in love that she had convinced herself Ruth would have no negative response to Abby’s proposal. She inwardly laughed, she hadn’t even proposed anything to her. She tried to focus on the literature in her hands but it was far too difficult, so she settled for looking at the page and pretending to read, if only to avoid talking to Ruth. It had been over an hour since Ruth had spoken to Abby, the disappointment was becoming monotone, never-ending. Abby wondered if the feelings she had would simply lie dormant at the pit of her stomach now she finally had an answer. She sat back up, her face dry the skin returned to her natural colour. She wasn’t expecting what she saw. Ruth’s face was blotchy, a stray tear glided down her cheek until her fingers brushed it away. Abby took her hand into her own the hurt and anger she felt moments ago vanished, Ruth drew her eyes to their hands, then to her face.

“What’s wrong?” Abby smiled weakly.

“It’s not right, it’s what I’ve always been taught. I lied, I told you I was in love with a man… But I was in love with a woman I could never have. I can’t help the way I feel about some of my friends, the way I feel about women I see on the street, the way I feel about…” She looked away, pulling her hand with her.

“About?” Abby prompted, almost allowing her hope to return.

“About you, and it’s so much worse with you. I have to face you almost every day, I can’t force myself away from you like I can some of my friends. It’s not just that… you’re so young, you’re still a child. It’s not right for me to be…to feel things for you,” she looked Abby in the eye, “But I can’t help it,” More tears spilled over her eyes before she forcefully stroked them away hating the fact she was crying. Her eyes never left Abby’s, constantly searching for an answer to her confession. Abby was beyond shocked, she made a mental note to never assume she knew what other people were feeling. Her options were open before her eyes, everything she had dreamed about for four years was sitting there open to her, if she was brave enough to take it. She was.

Abby leaned in toward Ruth, her hand gently brushed her cheek, afraid that if she touched her with more pressure she would crack the perfect porcelain skin adorning the bones beneath. Ruth leaned in slightly further until they were almost touching. Ruth’s hand came to Abby’s face, caressing it gently whilst she looked pleadingly into her eyes, questioning whether she was allowed to make further contact. Abby looked back into the blue eyes she had always admired, waiting for her tutor to take the lead of the delicate dance they would soon be participating in. Ruth’s lips barely connected with her own before retreating. The touch made Abby’s heart skip a beat nonetheless. She looked at Ruth requesting permission to take the kiss further. Ruth granted it leaning in once more, this time allowing Abby to take control. She pressed her lips against her tutor’s then moved them messily, opening them out of synch with Ruth’s, closing them before she expected until Ruth held her head tightly and took the lead. Their lips embraced in a gentle kiss, it was an improvised version of the waltz that took on new unexpected movements, but it was the most beautiful experience Abby had lived through. She felt like royalty in that moment.

When they pulled apart for breath Abby was grinning uncontrollably, her eyes remained closed replaying the last few moments over and over in her head. Her heart had swelled to the size of a dinner plate, it beat incredulously, it felt the way loud fireworks sound when they explode in the air at night. She had always loved fireworks, the beauty, the sound penetrating the air, an intruder in the peaceful bliss of the night where most people slept. Abby felt as though she had intruded on Ruth’s face, it was then that she realised how much enjoyed intruding, how much she would enjoy doing it again. She realised that this was not only her first kiss with a woman, or anyone, but it was also Ruth’s. Her smile widened as she opened her eyes, only to allow her confusion to take over. Ruth look mortified, she stared at her in horror and Abby was shocked. Ruth’s eyes looked up above her, Abby immediately understood what had happened.

Abby’s father, was standing behind her. His eyes glaring down at them both but his eye-line was mostly fixed on Ruth. It took them both seconds to get to her feet, Ruth, terrified for her future, Abby ready to defend her closest friend at all costs.

“Papa it was my fault, I initiated it. Ruth knows it was wrong and I didn’t listen—”

“Ruth, would you please escort me to the house,” It was not a question and as he strode away slowly Abby made no attempt to protest, knowing no use would come of it. Ruth picked up the books she had brought out with her and started stalking after him, she looked back at Abby once, a tear falling from her eye. Abby knew she would never see Ruth again. She felt herself falling to the floor, scraping her legs into a bundle, pressing them as close to her chest as she could get them. She felt her ribcage splitting in half, ripping a whole through the middle of her that stretched right from the bottom of her stomach, all the way up to the muscle that made her want to hide away from the world forever. She wanted to take Ruth wherever she went. It was hours before her mother came out to drag her back into the house. Her entire family expressed their disappointment before telling her they would support her with her treatment of this disease. She was told that Ruth would also be helped, but she would not be allowed any more contact with her. A man named Charles replaced her beloved tutor, she spoke to the priest on a daily basis and her parents made sure to force heterosexual literature, artwork, whatever they could find in her face. As the years went by she learnt how to lie to everyone, pretending she had feelings for men, even bringing one home convincing herself, along with everyone else, that she was in love with him. Her family allowed her to live her life from there on her own, satisfied with her progress. She was allowed access to the funds her parents had put away for her with which she brought a small house.

The events of that day had made Abby resentful, but she chose to ignore it as best as she could and allowed her humour to mask the pain she carried around with her every day, letting other people believe she was a light-hearted person who would take down anyone who tried to hurt the people she loved. It wasn’t until her father died unexpectedly in November 1944 that Abby decided to find out what happened to her first love. She hired a private investigator to trace Ruth’s footsteps from the moment she left Abby. His findings were devastating. Ruth had also spoken to a priest, at the request of Abby’s father, but he had decided that she could not be saved. Not only had she pursued another female but she had pursued a child, she taken an innocence away that could not be returned. God could not forgive something so sinister. Abby thought that the fact Ruth didn’t fit in with the patriarchal society America was revolved around contributed to the decision made. They sent her to a popular asylum where, after various other horrific ‘treatments’ including electrotherapy, they performed a lobotomy to ‘fix her’. He told her that he had gone to visit the woman to make sure he had the right woman, he had, but she was long gone. Her mind had been manipulated into nothing, she stared straight ahead, not making contact with anything or anyone, not even at the mention of Abby’s name. Her hair was now matted, falling only to her shoulders. The hospital gown was baggy but he could tell that she was mostly skin and bones. Her blue eyes seemed dull, worn down, she was very tired. She was no longer Ruth. The investigator also told her that her father had overseen the whole ordeal, he had spoken to the doctors at the hospital, the priest Ruth had spoken to, anyone who was in touch with her care he had reached out. It was clear that they were influenced by him, his money, his power in New York. He had made almost every decision regarding her welfare. He had taken away the woman she loved.

Abby felt her heart breaking at the news, fresh emotions rising to the surface like a memory but not a memory. What had they done to this beautiful woman? What had he done to her? As the investigator took his well-earned money and left, Abby found herself backed against a wall, drawing her knees up close to her chest as she slid down it. Her body crumpled into the ground, wishing she could take back that kiss. If they had only waited a few years… Abby could have left home and they could have had an odd but wonderful life together… Ruth wouldn’t be a fucking vegetable if Abby had been more careful. 10 years and she was still the teenager Ruth had loved, still reacting the same way as she did back then. She bawled for hours, feeling the loss coursing through her body, her heart shattered across the wooden hallway. That night she lay awake on the same wooden floor in a foetal position, promising herself she would find a way to commemorate Ruth and forget her father. Though it was unpopular for women of her class, Abby felt as though she needed to permanently commemorate the beautiful lost soul that was Ruth Herman’s, finding herself with a new mark on her body. It wasn’t much, just simple black lettering on her hip, hidden like their love. Abby had ‘RH’ tattooed there as a reminder of her first love and what she had sacrificed for her.

The glass in her hand was empty, her other hand was protectively against the tattoo. She had never gone to see Ruth, afraid of what she would find, but she knew she had to one day. As the alcohol swept over her mind Abby finally found the courage to get up and walk over to Carol. The ground supported her legs firmly, more so than she had expected as she had had more to drink than she usually would. She kept her eyes fused to the back of Carol’s head, hoping to god she hadn’t dreamt her earlier when she saw her walk in. Many women had blonde hair, this could be someone else entirely and Abby could easily be about to make a fool of herself. The man’s face was coming into view, he had soft brown eyes but that was the only part of him that was soft. His skin seemed rough, his lips were set in a thin line, his posture was stiff…everything about him seemed wooden. He looked up at her as she began slowing, the expression on his face changed to confusion, as if to say, ‘Who on earth is she?’ Carol had registered his facial change and turned to meet Abby’s gaze.

In that instant Abby was reminded of the strong emotions she had felt for Ruth, it was though the blue eyes looking up at her now were her first love’s, her smile was Ruth’s, the way she held herself was the way Ruth would hold herself when she was teaching. Abby felt her heart melting once again. She knew this was not Ruth, but she could easily fall in love with the interpretation of her that came in the form of Carol. Carol’s lips were now turned upwards into a warm smile, it touched Abby that she remembered who she was, even after all these years.

“Hey there stranger,” Abby smiled at her, conveying the same warmth she received from Carol.

“Is that you, Abby Gerhard?”

“Only if you are Carol Ross?” The blonde laughed, tipping her head back the way Abby had always remembered.

“Not anymore darling. This is my husband, Hargess Aird,” She indicated to the man across the table from her. He stood, holding his hand out for Abby to grasp out of politeness more than anything she felt.

“How do you do,” It was not a question and Abby did not want a reply.

He uttered a pleasant response before asking her if she would like to take his place as he had to go back to work. She accepted, taking the opportunity to meet with an old as friend as a blessing, particularly one she has been smitten with for over 20 years. Carol smiled at her, igniting a fire that had been put to sleep long ago, the flames already building up through her body, eventually raising towards her skin. Carol had called a waiter over so they could order another drink, which Abby may have needed but shouldn’t have had. She watched the confidence radiate through her body language as she interacted with the small man in glasses who, though polite, seemed as though he didn’t really know what he was doing. He put the notebook back in the breast pocket of his shirt then turned and stalked towards the bar to hand the order over, leaving a beautiful blonde with Abby. _How did I not register her intense beauty before now?_

“Oh Abby, my darling, how have you been?”

“I’ve been good, Carol. Life has been good to me,” Abby lied with a warm smile, but she found it easier than telling her the truth.

“I’ve missed talking to you so much, I always wanted to stay in touch but…well that’s just how it is isn’t it?”

“Let’s not reminisce on time lost, I want to know all about you! All about this man who has stolen your name,” She looked into the blue eyes sincerely, wondering how such an intelligent, eloquent woman such as Carol had taken to what seemed like a dull man. God she hoped he didn’t work in finance. Abby had been watching the couple from her table earlier whilst her date was still trying to make conversation with himself. Abby was thinking that the conversation her friend was having must have been one of business since neither party looked particularly pleased to be in the other’s presence. Marriage was certainly not for her, even if she was attracted to men.

“His name is Hargess, as you now know, though everybody calls him Harge. We met around six years ago at a party. He was charming and handsome, he caught my mother’s eye who then turned to me of course. Three years later we were married, I remember I looked around to find you, ask you to come to the wedding but with the war cascading on I thought you might be helping out in the field or something,”

“I did spend some time working as a nurse, I needed to get away and keep busy after father died…” It wasn’t because of her father, well not grief for him anyway. What he had sanctioned upon Ruth was unforgivable and Abby had decided she would not grieve for a man who committed such a kind woman to a horrible fate. She grieved for Ruth a second time whilst in London, helping to care for the remaining soldiers. She could have helped in America but staying in the country seemed too close to home.

“Oh, Abby, I’m so sorry. Harry was always such a kind man,” Carol’s eyes retorted her sympathy which made Abby feel sympathetic that people saw him as such a kind man. She supposed in many ways he was, but in the most important way to her, he wasn’t. He certainly wasn’t to Ruth.

“It happens,” Abby smiled, the emotion not reaching her eyes which Carol seemed to note. The clumsy waiter returned with both drinks, Abby had settled with a Rye this time whilst Carol had ordered another martini. They were comfortable in each other’s silence, simply observing each other’s features that may have been long forgotten in Carol’s mind, but never in Abby’s.

“Carol, Aird,” She nodded towards to her friend, saying her new name aloud for the first time and watched as red lips turned upwards once again. “You were telling me about your marriage,”

“Not much to tell really," she scoffed with a shrug, "It was highly social, too big for my liking, I would much rather have had a few friends and family there as witnesses, with a small reception before driving off in the sunset to explore the rest of America. However Harge is very specific, he wanted certain things and I just agreed, hoping we would soon be alone. My dreams were soon put to an end though, we didn’t have a honeymoon because of the war, Harge could never fight, his heart condition wouldn’t allow it. He already had a large business up and running, he went straight to work the day after we married. Another two years or so later I found out I was pregnant with our daughter, Rindy. Nerinda Aird is her full name,” She smiled, seeming distant as she thought of her daughter. Abby meanwhile, was wondering how somebody could pass up a few days alone with their new bride, especially when that bride is Carol.

“Ah, so she is one now, if my maths is correct?” Of course her maths was correct, Ruth had taught her. She smiled, nodding enthusiastically.

“Maybe we could arrange a date to meet and you could meet her sometime?” Abby smiled warmly, enjoying the thought of having her friend back in her life.

“It’s a date, if you’re free this week maybe you could both come over to mine? It would be lovely to have some company at home for a change,”

“Tomorrow,”

“Tomorrow it is,”

Both women finished their drinks whilst chatting, as old friends, before Abby wrote her address down for Carol and they kissed each other on each cheek. A farewell for a few hours. Abby walked in the opposite direction to Carol, smiling to herself as a child would, thinking about her friend’s gorgeous features, remembering how…not unhappy, but not happy Carol looked at the mention of her husband. The grey pavement beneath her feet made noise as her heels grazed against it, she enjoyed the sound, a hypnotic beat allowing to her think more on the subject. Abby thought if she could get a chance, she would certainly take one with Carol. She only hoped that Carol would take the risk with her.

Now it was the following morning and she had to get out of bed and get ready, wanting to impress her friend with her style. It didn’t take long to pick out a deep green dress with white lines drawn delicately across it, a cloth ribbon tied neatly around her back, accentuating her waist. Before putting it on she looked in the mirror at her tattoo, she had decided to remember Ruth as she was when they knew each other, that was what she would have wanted, therefore smiling warmly at the fond memories of them sharing each other’s company. The hem of the dress ended just below the knee and the sleeves just below the shoulder. She nodded then brushed over her eyes with a brown eyeshadow, giving her eyelids a light shadow before the black mascara elongated her eyelashes over it. She chose a nude orange lipstick to complete the look. Abby had never really been interested in heeled shoes, opting to put on some black flat slips which comforted the bottom of her feet.

After eating breakfast she sat on a chair in her living room with a Dickens’ book, hoping to keep her mind off the two most important women in her life at this point. Her mind was constantly drifting between Ruth and Carol. She thought about her feelings for each woman, Ruth was kind, loyal, she barely ever missed a day of work with Abby. She was shy when it came to dealing with Abby’s parents but confident, radiating utter beauty when she was with her. Carol was different, she was always confident, always striving for the highest goal, unafraid of the consequences. That was what Abby had fallen in love with, her bravery against all of the odds, which was also what Ruth displayed on that fateful day. Something told her that Carol had changed since she had known her when they were younger. No doubt she was still striving for the highest goal, but there were more important things in her life now, things that would hold her back…like her daughter.

There was a knock at the door and Abby knew she would be spending the day getting some answers.


	2. Flower Arrangments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an advertisement, if anyone would like to be my beta please let me know and we can figure something out

_February 1949,_

Carol and Rindy walked hand in hand around the city of New York. Rindy was only just getting well acquainted with the floor beneath her feet making their journey slightly longer than Carol had anticipated. She enjoyed watching her daughter grow, listening to her laugh, teaching her how to say certain words like ‘mama’. Carol loved playing dolls with her daughter, as her mother had done with her and as she had done with Abby many many years ago. Rindy had a couple of other young friends, who were of course the children of Carol or Harge’s friends or relatives, but she wasn’t old enough to develop relationships yet. Carol was thankful for that at least. As much as she wanted her daughter to have the most amazing life possible, including social life with friends and family, she was treasuring the years where Rindy saw her as her best friend.

A small cry brought Carol back from her thoughts. Rindy was holding her arms in the air towards to Carol’s head, shouting her favourite new word ‘up’. Carol smiled and leant down to put her hands on the child’s waist. She looked her in the eyes and watched smile with a laugh before surging her high into the air then on her hip. Rindy giggled, enjoying the adrenaline of being lifted into the air by her mother who was now speaking soothingly to her little girl. Rindy watched as Carol looked ahead to where she was walking before turning back to her every so often, a reassuring smile drawn on her face. Rindy felt her eyes getting heavy and laid her head on her mother’s shoulder to gently fall asleep.

Carol, realising her daughter’s exhaustion, walked slightly slower in hopes that her daughter would continue to rest in the steady rhythm of her footsteps. She glanced down at the blonde curls now gently covering Rindy’s face and wondered how she managed to create such a beautiful child. Her mind then wondered to Harge. She thought that perhaps he still loved her but she couldn’t truly be sure could she? He was always the same with her, always curt and selfless with money but never really giving her any attention or affection. Carol on the other hand had doted all her effort and time into her relationship, then marriage. At first she was frustrated with the one-sided advancements, eventually getting bored. If it wasn’t for Rindy, who came along around a year after this point in her life, she probably would have left her husband. Her marriage wasn’t a disappointment so per say, but it wasn’t how she had pictured her family when she was younger. Mothers and fathers loved each other, it was safe to say that there was no longer any love between Carol and Harge.

She turned right into the street Abby had left on the piece of paper for her, noting the little amount greenery in the area. Harge was as good as any man. Carol thought that she could get along with him, which she did, in the end that was all that she had hoped for since she had never experienced the butterflies or fireworks people say they get when meeting ‘the one’. She used to believe that the person she would get those feelings for would be out there, ready to walk into her life at any given moment, or she could walk into theirs if that was the way it was meant to be, but the time had since passed and there was no point in searching for those feelings any longer. She had once been in love with Harge, very much so. It wasn’t the type of love people described but it was there. It was still there now despite the lack of reciprocation on his end.

Abby’s house was nicely decorated on the outside. It was a reasonable sized house with a small front garden bordered with multi-coloured flowers. As Carol, with Rindy safely in her arms, strolled up the small pathway to the front door, she took time to look at tulips, begonias, petunias and Iris’s. She noted how artistic Abby was, managing to pair reds with blues and still create a perfect picture. There were other flowers in different colours on the opposite side, also mismatched but perfectly paired in their design. Carol smiled at the scenery before her. It was perfect, she would have loved to live in a home like this one.

There were three rectangular windows in a diagonal line at the top of the door which Carol thought to be nicely modern compared to her old-fashioned doors at home. She was standing in a brick archway, going over the prospects of what her revived friendship may bring her. She had truly missed Abby and she knew now they were getting their footing again, they would be in each other’s lives for the rest of their lives. She surveyed the brown wood and thick glass for a moment, seeing no signs of life behind it, not that there should be she supposed. Three knocks and a couple of seconds later she found a grinning Abby in the doorway.

“Darling! Oh I’m so glad I found the right house,” Carol was smiling with relief, knowing full well she had the right house. Abby pulled her into her carefully, so not to wake the sleeping baby and kissed Carol on each cheek before replying.

“What are you waiting for? Come in!” Abby held the door open for them. She placed her hand on the small of Carol’s back and guided her into the living room. Carol sat on a green sofa, placing her sleeping child next to her to continue to rest. She brushed the hair out of her eyes then gave her a soft kiss on the forehead before returning her gaze to Abby.

“I was just going to make some coffee, want a cup?”

“Yes please,” She smiled. Abby turned to go to the kitchen and Carol couldn’t help but notice the beautiful dress her friend was dressed in. Green had always been one of her favourite colours. She took the opportunity to view her surroundings, wondering whether Abby had decorated such a beautiful space on her own. It was a fair-sized room but it seemed to have copious amounts of space, despite the amount of furniture Abby had installed. There was a rocking chair with a knitted red blanket over the back and an orange cushion on the seat, next to an emerald green armchair that probably came in a set with the sofa she was sitting on. The fireplace to the right of her was adorned with elegant ornaments displaying Abby’s personality. There was a small coffee table in front of her which sat on top of a thin dark orange rug. Dark mahogany flooring completed the rest of the ground whilst the walls were covered in a light green paint. The room was finished with a few framed paintings of the seaside and mountains. Carol took her hat off and placed it on the table, enjoying the scenery. She ran her fingers through the left side of her hair, instinctively setting into place.

“You like it, huh?” Abby had one small cup in each hand.

“Abby, it’s beautiful! I’m awestruck,”

“You’re not just being nice to gain friendship are you, Mrs Aird?” Abby asked with a playful smile.

“Gosh please stick with Carol, Mrs Aird makes me feel old. Did you design—” she lightly waved her hand around the room, “this yourself?”

“Yes. I went travelling a few years ago and found a love for furniture when I was exploring the stores over there,” She smiled warmly at Carol who returned the gesture.

“Do you do this for work?”

“Sort of. I helped a friend with some interior design work shortly after returning to America, he must have spread the word because since then people have been asking me for help for every couple of months or so,” she sipped her coffee, “I’ve made a lot of friends from it, it’s hard to walk anywhere without being recognised by a friend or acquaintance now,”

“Quite the celebrity I see,” She laughed, making Carol laugh with her.

“Enough about me. Who is this I see sleeping on my sofa?” She went over to the space in front of Rindy and leant in front of her, watching her sleep. She looked up at Carol with a shy smile, something she barely ever did.

“Do you want to hold her?” Abby nodded, her eyes back on the little girl.

Carol gently picked her up, careful not wake her and indicated for Abby to sit down in her place. Once Abby was sat comfortably, Carol put her own arms into Abby’s, desperately trying to ignore the rush of excitement she felt at making physical contact with her old friend. She shimmied her arms from underneath Rindy until Abby was supporting her on her own. Carol watched as her face lit up with a genuine smile, softly talking to her daughter. She felt her heart fluttering.

“She’s so beautiful, Carol,” The blonde smiled, stroking Rindy’s hair and watching Abby.

“She seems to like you. Usually she would wake up if anyone other than myself or Harge touched her,”

“So precious,”

Carol realised that Rindy and Abby seemed to share an automatic connection. Abby barely let her go for the remainder of the day, it warmed Carol to see the woman sharing so much with her daughter. She watched as Abby whispered to her whilst she slept, then let her bake with her when she woke up before playing hide and seek around the house. Of course, Carol had to get involved in this too which she did gladly. They were laughing, enjoying themselves, having fun, more fun than Carol had ever remembered having with Harge. She soon came to a realization that no matter how much time had passed without seeing Abby, she still considered her the dearest friend she had. A warm familiarity flooded through her and she found herself enjoying her company more as the day progressed. Rindy became tired again in the mid afternoon and laid down on the sofa next to Abby. Carol had taken to the rocking chair but quickly changed her mind and sat in the armchair. It was around 3pm, all three needed a chance to catch their breath.

“So, I see you haven’t found anyone yet?”

“God no! I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone I want to spend the rest of my life with!” Abby laughed whole-heartedly. Carol smiled, wishing she had as much courage to be alone.

“Why’s that then,”

“Oh…no interest in anyone I’ve met thus far,” Abby looked away towards the kitchen.

“Abby, the famous designer who knows almost everyone in New York, has not found herself anyone she likes?” Carol feigned shock, exaggerating her facial expressions as she did. Abby, in turn, laughed at her friend’s humour.

“It’s not that I haven’t found anyone…it’s just,” Abby looked towards her glass, recently filled with liquor. Carol observed her before frowning, something had happened that she didn’t want to pry on. She placed her hand around Abby’s.

“You don’t have to tell me, darling,” Carol smiled with a warm wink.

“I can never hide anything from you, Carol Aird,” Carol was again left watching her friend circling the rim of the glass with her finger, thinking about what she should give away. Carol simply sat back, waiting patiently, “I did meet someone. It was a long time ago and they had to go away. Ever since then I’ve just been milling around trying to find someone. I was at the restaurant yesterday with a date but I wasn’t interested in him,”

“Did he leave on good terms?” Abby coughed a little when Carol said 'he'.

“No. But it’s okay, things are okay now,” Carol was unsure of anything she could say that would make a difference, instead opting for a simple smile. The sadness in Abby’s eyes told her that something had gone badly wrong there. Abby had never been one to dwell on the past, but this seemed to have a lasting effect on her. She wondered whether she should try to change the subject or not. Something lighter would bring back the smile Carol had grown accustomed to enjoying over the past few hours, however it felt like taking the easy road out. What if Abby wanted to talk more on the subject? As Carol sat deliberating, Abby had decided to go and refill her glass, asking Carol if she wanted one as well. Carol wanted one.

Abby put the glass down in front of Carol before sitting in her original seat. “So do you work?”

The question caught Carol off guard slightly. “No. I know that I might like to but it would be hard to persuade Harge that it’s right for Rindy…” Carol looked away slightly, not wishing to divulge much information on the subject. It had always been touchy with her husband, carol yearned for something more in life than just the family housewife. But Harge had insisted that Rindy needed a full-time mother. It disappointed Carol but she agreed anyway, wanting to keep the peace and impress Harge. She brushed her fingers through her hair then looked back to Abby.

“The Carol I know would never let anyone tell her what to do,” Abby was sporting a playful smile. One which Carol couldn’t help but return.

“I don’t know, Abby, when Harge came along everything revolved around him. He was my everything, the person I felt most connected to, sometimes I still do feel that connection—”

“Only sometimes?”

“Well, yes, I suppose so. I used to be madly in love with Harge, but now I don’t feel quite so attached,” Carol wasn’t sure whether she should be sharing all of this with Abby, but it felt natural, as if she had been talking about these things for years. Abby seemed to feel the same way.

“I see. Does Rindy have anything to do with the way you feel about Harge?” Abby looked adoringly over to the girl lying asleep next to her.

“Yes,”

“I thought so,” Her eyes never left Rindy.

“You know, I see why you want the best for this little girl. I’ve only known her a few hours and I feel like I love her beyond what I can explain. It’s like I’ve made a connection with her somehow,” she gingerly ran her fingers over the little girl’s head. Carol realized that she loved what she was seeing. After a year and a bit of searching for someone to be a godparent to Rindy, Carol felt like she finally has someone to ask.

“It’s beautiful…what I’ve seen from you both today. You looked exceedingly happy and Rindy, I’ve never seen her become so comfortable with someone so quickly,” Carol looking at them both, Abby’s gaze now transfixed on Carol but her hand remained protectively on Rindy’s arm.

“Abby I feel like you’ve been in my life for years. I feel like you never left—”

“I feel the same way. Everything that happened today confirmed that we’re still close friends,” She smiled at her, blowing a strand of hair from her eyes as she did so.

“This is probably going to sound absurd…especially since we’ve only just reconnected, but I was wondering whether you might like to be Rindy’s godmother?” Carol asked the question in confidence.

“Don’t you need to speak to Harge first? He has only just met me after all,” Abby looked away.

“Yes, yes I probably should. But I’m certain he won’t have a problem,” Abby scoffed. “What?”

“The man seems to be annoyed by everything. You know when I saw the two of you talking yesterday, I thought you were no more than acquaintances because he didn’t smile at you once?” Carol had noticed, of course, that Harge’s demeanour had altered, but she didn’t realize that he didn’t smile around her. She looked down, avoiding eye-contact, thinking about what she was really getting from her marriage with Harge.

“There was something I wanted to ask you, well a few things really,” Abby was comfortable on the couch, now leaning back with one arm crossed over her abdomen and the other holding her wine glass. Carol looked up, she smiled at her, waiting for the first question. “Do you still enjoy fashion like you did when we were younger?” Carol giggled, a strange sound that she had not heard in years.

“Yes, very much so, why?”

“Well, fashion can be linked to many things. The fabric in fashion I think is beautiful, but I wanted to learn more about fabric and that eventually led me to furniture. There is so much to explore there and since working with the few clients I have, I thought that maybe…maybe…” Abby stopped mid sentence, not sure of how to continue with her inquisition.

“Come on nitwit, tell me what you want to tell me,” Carol smiled again, letting it reach her eyes as it had done all day. Abby smiled warmly back.

“Since I’ve been working in furniture, I’ve enjoyed learning about the different types of furniture that have been created. I’ve been thinking a lot about opening up a shop, and I was hoping that if you still like this sort of thing, that you would be interested in working there with me?” Carol hadn’t expected this. She smiled at Abby while she thought, the advantages were appealing to say the least. She would have something to do in the day, she would be able to take Rindy with her and keep an eye on her, or let her sleep in the back with the door open so she could hear if anything went wrong, there would be two adults to keep Rindy occupied instead of one. The disadvantage was having to pass it through Harge first. Women had fought for years to get the right to be equal to men and yet here Carol was, wondering whether she should ask her husband before starting work. She ran her fingers through her hair then answered Abby.

“I’d love to,” The two women found themselves grinning to each other. Rindy stirred then and Carol had just seen the clock on the mantelpiece, it was late. Carol knew she would have to start getting Rindy ready to leave, but she knew it would be difficult to leave Abby after such a freeing day. Rindy sleepily sat, with Abby’s help.

“I think we had better go, darling,” She inclined her head towards Rindy. Abby nodded her agreement. Carol put her hat back on then went over to Rindy and picked up the sleepy child. She knew her daughter would want to walk soon but she was too tired to do anything other than rest at present. Once Rindy was safely perched on Carol’s hip, Abby stood to see them out. She opened the door for her friend before kissing her on each cheek. Carol hadn’t realized how soft Abby’s skin was until their cheeks brushed against each other. She liked the feeling.

Carol walked down the beautiful path, past the colourful flowers, back onto the sidewalk where she turned to wave to her friend one last time. Abby’s eyes had never left her. They smiled warmly at each other, then Carol walked away with Rindy bobbing lightly in her arms. She found quiet throughout the walk home, the darkness only just settling in. Carol reflected on what had been a wonderful day. Under scrutiny, one could say that she had over stepped her mark by asking Abby to be Rindy’s godmother, but Harge had never really been interested in choosing any guardians for his daughter and it was clear that Abby adored Rindy. She thought that when she got home, she would speak to him about it. Harge was not heartless, but strangers didn’t bode well with him, Abby was a stranger as far as Harge knew. Maybe Abby would be interested in meeting her husband, after all she now had Abby’s phone number, she could easily invite her around.

They were nearing the overly large house, more of a mansion, and Rindy had noticed as she used her new second favourite word, ‘down’. Holding hands, Carol and Rindy walked up to their home in a happy daze. Harge was sat in the living room with a paper in one hand and a small glass of what was most likely scotch in the other. His left foot was perched on his right knee, his back slumped comfortably against the back of the armchair, his reading glasses magnifying his eyes slightly so that Carol could see them moving slowly across the lines. He looked content. Rindy, allowing excitement to take over, began running – or walking too quickly – to her father with a squeal. She slid halfway there, crashing down into a heap on the carpet. Shock radiated throughout the little girl as she breathed in quickly then wailed at the top of her lungs.

“Oh sweetheart!” Harge was on his feet in an instant, picking Rindy up into his arms. She cried loudly but settled more once she felt the comfort of her father’s body against hers. Carol enjoyed watching the scene play out smiling warmly as she did so. Harge’s back was now facing her and she could see the top of Rindy’s head laying against his shoulder. She longed to be around them both, feeling the love for her husband and daughter emanate from deep within. When Rindy had finally calmed down, Harge put her on the chair and called Florence in so they could play in her room together. Carol frowned, wondering why this was somebody else’s job tonight.

The answer was given quickly when Harge shot her a look that she was growing ever accustomed to. It was an odd look, one that if you weren’t Harge’s wife, you wouldn’t know what to do with. At first Carol had just stared at him in a state of confusion, but as time passed she realised it was the look he gave her when she had done something wrong. Harge never hit her, he wouldn’t do that, he was too kind, but the look was enough to make Carol’s mood dampen for the remainder of the night. Her hopes of speaking to him about Abby were slowly disintegrating.

“Why did you let go of her hand Carol? You know she isn’t steady on her feet yet!” He hissed as they walked towards the kitchen.

“Oh Harge, it was an accident. She has to learn to walk on her own anyway,” Carol’s attempted excuse was weak, she knew Harge would never let her get off so easily.

“Christ sake Carol. You have to take better care of her,” Carol could have easily snapped back at him with a response that would have shut him up but she wanted to talk about Abby, instead opting for the high road.

“I’m sorry Harge, I agree. I’ll hold onto her tighter next time,” She didn’t mean a word, usually she wouldn’t have said anything of sort but hopefully this would soften his mood and she could talk about what she really wanted to get to. Harge was taken aback, he looked at her for a few moments before nodding slightly and turning to refill his glass, giving Carol one to accompany to him.

“Harge, as you know, Rindy and I went to Abby’s today and we discussed some things that I would like to speak with you about,” He leant against the cupboard and raised his eyebrow a little, waiting for her to continue.

“I watched Abby reacting with Rindy today, she was amazing, both of them. They get on so well and Abby clearly cares for our daughter beyond what she cares for herself, even after only meeting her today. I asked her to be Rindy’s godmother,” Carol looked at him nervously. He seemed dazed. Carol took her opportunity to continue talking.

“She also asked me if I would like to open a furniture shop with her. I could take Rindy and care for her there and it would give me something to do in the day while you’re at the firm—”

“No, Carol, absolutely not. I thought we’d covered this before? Rindy needs her mother more than anything else,” He was defiant, but Carol was more so.

“She will be fine Harge. I will be there, Abby will be there,”

“Ah yes, Abby, the woman who walked back into your life yesterday,”

“She may as well have been there the entire time. Nothing has changed between us, I consider her one of my closest friends and Rindy loves her,” Harge was staring into his glass. He pursed his lips slightly before releasing the tension in his face and looking up to his wife. He seemed to stare at her for what felt to Carol like hours. The expression unreadable.

“I want to meet her first,” Carol nodded with a smile. She went over and kissed him lightly, the scotch strong on his breath. A sweet thank you before going to do their own routines before bed. 

That night Carol thought about Abby a lot. She couldn’t quite understand why, but the woman’s face never left her mind…neither did the beautiful dress she was wearing. Carol wondered where she could get that dress from, then chastised herself for thinking she could pull it off as well as Abby had. She thought about the way Abby's cheek had felt against hers, grinning slightly at the contact. There was something intriguing about her friend that Carol couldn’t quite put her finger on. Very intriguing indeed.


	3. Wine and Whiskey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are these chapter sizes for you guys?

_February 1949,_

Abby was sitting in the worn-down bar with great difficulty. He eyes scanned the area when she first entered. With nothing but peeling blue paint and weathered wood to look at, she kept her focus on the beer bottle until her date arrived. Even from the outside she could tell this was not the place for her, therefore the woman she had found would most likely not be to her taste once they were truly talking. The Victorian building had no modern style to it whatsoever and looked as though it was no longer cared for. The interior needed work, understatement. Abby looked around and thought that maybe if all went well, she would consider designing for the space, then inwardly laughed knowing she would never be able to pay for the amount of new furniture this place would need. Nevertheless, Abby had agreed to meet her new acquaintance here and she wouldn’t let her down now, even though her surroundings put her off the woman. It wasn’t so much that Abby required to eat or be in the company of the wealthy, but the dirt hole she found herself in now was most likely a health hazard and she wasn’t fond of infections.

When she walked in she was confronted by Barry, the bartender that afternoon, who had growled for Abby to choose whichever table she wanted. “This ain’t no fancy restaurant Miss, just take a seat wherever,” Despite the gruff tone in his voice the man was kind and she smiled at his attempt to be nice. Abby wanted to be as far away from the peeling paint as she could get so had chosen a seat in the middle of the bar, placing her bottle in front of her. There were small windows facing the parking lot, Abby had sat so she could see them clearly. She told herself she would give Alice half an hour to turn up before she left. 25 minutes down and Abby had almost had enough. One sip of the beer told her she would not be drinking this afternoon. Thankfully she would be drinking something more appealing to her taste buds in the evening. Abby’s eyes focused on the clock once more, Alice was clearly not going to show.

 _Five minutes. She has five minutes._ Abby fastened her coat up in preparation. Her mind wondered to Carol as she waited. Abby had received phone calls everyday from Carol, one of which inviting her round to dinner. Abby had only been too excited to accept, even if she knew their relationship would be nothing more than a friendship. Carol was married with a child and probably only interested in men. To get her mind off Carol, Abby had gone out to find a girl to come back to when she had left Carol’s, though she yearned for Carol only. She had thought about their day together in detail. In a fair and equal world, Abby, Carol and Rindy would have made a beautiful family. But those thoughts would never be achieved, she would probably never see same-sex relationships become legal in America, therefore making family life an impossibility for her.

The 30-minute mark finally arrived and Abby stood to leave. She nodded to the bartender with a smile which he returned as he used a rag to clean the bar. The air outside was warm for February, but then she supposed it was nearing the end of February which would mean nearing the end of winter. Abby loved the summer, the feeling of the sun on her back and the light breeze that would cool her head. She longed for it through the winter, especially the end of winter when summer was so close but so far away. She had, of course, stopped loving the summer after Ruth had left, then again when the private investigator had left, but knowing how much fun they had had together in the sun Abby decided it would be better for her to embrace it than try to push it away.

On the drive home she thought about what she would wear that night, what would be appropriate in the eyes on Hargess Aird? After all, the meeting was for him to decide whether she could be a suitable godmother or guardian for Rindy whilst at the furniture shop the women planned to open. Carol hadn’t said that specifically, but Abby felt that it made sense for this to happen, so she would dress to an aesthetically pleasing standard to avoid judgement. This was for Carol and Rindy, not Hargess. Her mind picked out various outfits for her to model in her full-length mirror, she thought about colours, fabrics, patterns… It was appallingly similar to work. Picking out something to wear was like picking out the right couch for specific living rooms. Hargess was the living room she would refuse to design for.

Abby parked the car and sighed. She thought that if she had been Ruth, or Carol, Alice would not have stood her up. She knew she was not the most beautiful woman to grace the nation, her brown hair and brown eyes made her boring compared to the women she was attracted to. Alice also had brown hair but her eyes were a deep ocean blue, they drew Abby to her and she worked hard to attract the woman. She learned that Alice was of similar age, she was not wealthy and had only entered the restaurant they had met in to meet a lady who may give her a job. The interview, of sorts, had not gone so well and Alice was sat drinking for the remainder of the night. Abby drank with her.

Clearly, Alice had not been as interested in her as Abby had thought. They had only arranged to meet as friends but it still disheartened Abby that she was important enough to have her name written on the schedule in Alice’s diary. Obviously Abby was going to make an advance on her during their second meeting, Alice after all, was very beautiful. Now, as she made her way slowly up the stairs to her bedroom and looked at the deserted sheets, she realised that she would be coming home to an empty bed after her dinner with Carol. It was perhaps unfair of her to try and replace Carol with someone else, but what else could she do? She needed some sway to stop her mind wondering to the blonde hair that curved around pale skin and full red lips.

The rest of the afternoon went by slowly. Abby sat in her living room reading a crime fiction novel, her eyes mostly skimming the words to pass the time. She would read over the chapters again in more depth when she could focus. 5pm rolled around. She had two hours to get ready and travel to the house that would determine the fate of her friendship with one of her closest friends. Abby changed into a skirt and blouse, one she had brought years ago with close to no intention of wearing it. Tonight, she thought business attire would live up to Harge’s standards. The skirt was plaid black and navy, beginning at her waist and ending just below the knee. The blouse was plain white silk with long sleeves.

As Abby applied make-up and styled her hair, she thought about the properties she had looked at in the past week. All had been a regular size with a large window for advertisement purposes. They could put some cheap but well-made furniture in the window, then set up small living rooms in the shop for people to try out and imagine in their own homes. She thought about lighting, how different lamps would highlight certain fabrics, illuminating the furniture in a way that would feel magical to any audience who decided to test it out. Anything that was modern, fashionable and aesthetically appeasing to the eye would be presented closer to the back of the shop, both for security and pricing reasons. Abby hoped that she could figure out how to make it obvious that as customers walked through the store, they would come upon more expensive items. She smiled briefly at the thought, it was within reach if only she could persuade Hargess Aird that it was an appropriate idea for his wife and daughter.

Abby checked herself over in the mirror. She was happy with the way she looked, not giving too much of anything but not holding everything away either. The way a person dresses tells others what type of personality they’re working with, or against. Abby thought she looked approachable but business-like at the same time. She glanced over at the clock, she had 15 minutes to work on her mannerisms before she had to get a taxi to the address written in her diary. She thought that since she was trying to impress Harge, her first point of reference should be to imitate his wife, since he must regard her highly. She noted that Hargess was attracted to Carol, along with anyone who had a strong sex-drive. She needed to copy Carol’s movements in a way that wasn’t sexy or appealing to the man in any way…but if she could attract Carol she certainly would. Most of Carol’s mannerisms were similar to her own anyway, being bought up in an upper-class family meant that she already had excellent posture, a head held high and knew the correct way in which to manoeuvre her legs when sitting to look appropriate. All she really had to do was focus on her smile, which she knew would falter throughout the evening.

Her mind took her back to Ruth. Would she be proud of her now, as she looked in the mirror adjusting herself to socially acceptable standards? Ruth would have had a brilliantly witty response telling Abby about how she should always remain within her own structure, even when trying to appease others. Abby moved her hand over her hip, Ruth was always with her. 15 minutes had passed and it was time for Abby to walk the short distance into the city that would have her come across a taxi. She fastened her coat around her body tightly, anticipating the wind that would probably be whipping up a storm, picked up her bag and opened the front door. She was right about the wind. She locked the door behind her and began walking, quickly.

Once finally in the backseat of a cab Abby wondered why she had bothered to make her hair look presentable in the first place. All efforts were now foiled. She gave the driver the small piece of paper Carol had given her, then sat back, anticipating further unsettling thoughts. The first to intrude her mind was the amount of time it had taken her to get a taxi.

“Excuse me Sir, you got the time?” The driver answered with 7:45. She would be late to the Aird’s dinner but she supposed that fashionably late was more her style anyway. It probably wasn’t Harge’s but she would cross that bridge in half an hour, when she had to cross it. As she watched the streets of New York liven up for the evening she thought about Rindy. The sweet girl had made her heart flip in ways she never thought any child would. Children had never been an aspiration of Abby’s, perhaps it was part of what came with being a lesbian, but Rindy had captured her heart and stolen it for own keeping. Even if she could never find romance with Carol, she would certainly gain the most amazing relationship with her daughter. Abby knew she must be doing something right since Carol had commented on the bond she had established with Rindy, it made her feel warm knowing Carol had taken such notice. She pictured Rindy’s smile in her mind and heard her laugh create music more beautiful than any classical piece she had listened to. Abby loved classical music beyond any other, but it did not compare to that of Rindy’s beautiful laugh.

Traffic was building around the car but the driver was efficient and managed to cruise through without much effort. Abby knew she would only be around 5 or 10 minutes late at the most. It was a relief. She thought about what Carol might be dressed in. Was she the sort of person to dress in an evening gown for a formal dinner? Abby assumed she and Harge had been to numerous dinner parties, she may have brought a new dress for each occasion, or at least most of them. Maybe she was in a suit of sorts, a nicely paired skirt with a blouse like Abby was wearing. Abby doubted it. Her thoughts were abruptly halted as the cab driver told her they were here. She paid, thanked him and got out of the car.

Carol’s house was not that of an average house but more of a mansion. The building seemed to tower above Abby as she looked up at it. It was grey, hard edged, beautiful but deadly. The stones were placed delicately to create a design that would leave space for various windows. Some of the larger windows at the forefront were curved outwards, making the interior feel warm, homely. Usually. It looked almost like a prison. The rude thought made her mind think about what Ruth may possibly be going through, as she would be living in conditions that resembled a prison. No. Now is not the time to be thinking of Ruth, love her as I may. The wind was growing stronger, the bushes at the edge of the garden were swaying furiously, its roots fused into mud that could easily give way. She walked up the stone steps, noting that they were expensive as she did so. Abby thought about turning back, but only for a second. She couldn’t turn away from these two people she had found and somehow grown to love. She squared her shoulders, straightened out her spine and took a deep breath in before letting it out. She knocked three times. Then waited.

A lady dressed in a maid’s uniform answered the door with a warm smile. “Abby Gerhard?” The smile remained, it felt impolite for Abby to ignore the gesture so she smiled back at her.

“Yes.”

“Mr Aird has been expecting you, please come in,” Mr Aird? There must be some form of mistake. She stepped into the house, desperately trying to ignore the heat rising throughout her. Harge did not make her nervous, men did not make her nervous. What made her nervous was the thought that she may say or do something to displease him which would stop her from seeing Carol and Rindy. Well, maybe not Carol, but definitely Rindy and she could not lose Rindy now. The girl had had too much of an impact on Abby.

The lady closed the door behind Abby, giving her a chance to take in the details of the space before her, a stark contrast to the exterior. The floor was a light marble with specks of darker wood underneath, polished to an extent that Abby didn’t need a mirror to see the mess the weather had created of her appearance. A spiral staircase with a polished wooden banister stood to the left, cream walls were either side and mostly close white doors were lined up down the right-hand side of the room, with an open door to the left. In the spaces between the doors were book cases filled with books. The lady closed the door, apologising for the messy sight of the kitchen. She then lead Abby towards the second door to the right.

Inside was a large dark brown oak table with several chairs sat around it. The backs of the chairs were carved out into intricate details consisting of vines with flowers. They were beautiful, elegant, something Abby would showcase at the back of her shop. The walls were a pastel blue, contrasting well with the burgundy rug beneath her feet. The rug held only the tables and chairs with some extra space around it, the wooden floor around the edge of the room was again, polished to a shine. More cabinets and smaller tables with ornaments perched atop were placed on the wooden floor around the room, giving personality to the room.

“Please, take a seat Miss Gerhard. I will notify Mr Aird, he should be down shortly,” It was all accompanied with a warm smile, Abby could only force a nervous one back at her. No Carol it is, Abby supposed. She then thought that it wouldn’t matter. She had fought valiant battles against stronger oppositions in the past, losing very few. She had challenged men in powerful positions in New York, and America, most of whom had finished the debates with higher views of women but particularly the woman they had sat in front of on that day or night. She had sat with groups of men at parties or restaurants and had managed to keep their attention focused on her when she deemed it. Hargess may be the owner of his own thriving company, but he was no match to Abby Gerhard.

The maid returned with a glass and a wine bottle. Abby had never been much of a wine drinker however she was more than prepared to take up the offer of hospitality. She nodded with a warm smile, “Please,” The maid poured her a glass, left it on the table in front of her and put the bottle in the ice bucket.

“Mr Aird will be with you shortly,” Abby looked at her for the first time. She was good looking for what Abby assumed was her age. Her skin was mostly smooth with only faint lines showing throughout her face, her brown eyes showed kindness with enjoyment in what she does. Her brown curls were pinned back into an everyday up do, a few grey streaks ran through it here and there, her lips were thin, painted a nude colour but smiling. She seemed a very kind woman. Abby smiled back her thanks as she walked away. Abby was left to procrastinate over dinner a while longer.

A few minutes later the door opened again but this time it was harsh, snappy. Abby felt she should turn around for politeness, but she didn’t need to, she knew who it was. The man stood before her wore a plain black suit with a bow tie, his hair was combed back neatly. The stance he took showed her he was very confident, but the facial expression told her he was not here for fun and games. His lips twisted into something that could have resembled a smile had his eyes not been stone cold. Abby stood, holding her hand out again for politeness.

“Miss Gerhard, it’s lovely to see you again,”

“Likewise, Mr Aird.” They both sat, Harge choosing a seat opposite from her.

“Firstly, I want to know how you know my wife.” Abby thought he seemed concise, getting right into the thick of it. He smiled at her, not showing her any kindness. Abby relayed the story of their friendship as children, how they had grown apart but missed each other whilst they weren’t around each other. She spoke about meeting again, which he already knew of as he was there, then about the meeting they had had at her home in the last week. She added as much detail as possible, not wanting to miss anything Carol may have said to him. She spoke about Rindy in detail as well. It had just occurred to Abby that Carol had never truly said whether this was to be a meeting deciding their fate as friends and business partners, the more time that passed without Carol though the more Abby felt she was right in her assumptions.

“Carol tells me you wish to open a furniture shop.” Abby wasn’t sure whether she should engage in conversation, whether he wanted an answer. She decided to be confident in her decisions.

“Yes, I do. I’ve worked as an interior designer in the past, all customers have been more than satisfied with the results. I would like to use the money I earned to open the shop. I believe I am up to date with the current styles in America and most of Europe. People always like to buy what doesn’t sit on their front door.” Abby took a sip of the wine. Considering she thought she wouldn’t like it, the liquid was emptying rapidly. She barely took her eyes from Harge, knowing that any glance away could make her look unconfident. He nodded slowly as he digested her words.

“And what are your plans for Carol with this shop?” Abby felt a blush creeping up to her skin and was thankful her foundation was laid on thickly enough so he couldn’t see.

“I would like her to be my partner in crime. She always loved fashion as a child, it appears not much has changed…” Abby looked around, ideas spurting, “You’re very fond of your furnishings aren’t you, Mr Aird?”

“Abby I think we’ve spoken enough to address each other by our given names,” Abby noted that he did not ask permission to use her name, instead taking it as men in her life seemed to do. “In answer to your question, yes, I am. Well decorated homes hold memories which one cannot replace,” He leant back, crossed his foot over his knee, his hand holding the glass of whiskey resting on the other knee and looked pointedly at Abby. She had finally figured out his game. He was worried that Carol would end up spending too much time with her to be with him. Abby thought that he should be worried, in fact, she was counting on it.

“I agree. It’s a beautiful household you have here… May I ask, did you pick out of most of the furniture?”

“Carol and I made joint decisions on most of it, she’s good with patterns and such. Most of the ornaments or decorations I picked.” Harge was clearly the person making all of the decisions. Abby wondered how many of Carol’s decisions he controlled.

“She has a brilliant eye for most things Harge,” She smiled at him.

“She will be down soon I’m sure.” _Thank God_. Abby thought she would have to put up with the insufferable man and tension he brought with him all night alone. She tried hard to conceal the smile with her wine glass but remembered too late that it was mostly clear, the red liquid only covering a small portion at the bottom of the glass. Seeing Carol should be enough to make anyone smile.

As though rehearsed on cue, Carol opened the door brusquely and breezed in to greet her friend and husband. She kissed Abby on each cheek then winked at her before turning to Harge. That wink was positively the most seductive action Abby had seen since kissing Ruth. She put her hand to hip, rubbing over it gently. Carol had bent over to kiss Harge on each cheek as well, Abby was confronted with a beautifully shaped ass. She was wearing a silk beige dress that ended just above the knee. It was fitted to her body until coming to the waist where it fanned out lightly from the layers beneath. Abby thought it was unlike Carol’s style to wear something so…princess-like. Regardless as long as Carol was happy and comfortable then she would play along. The dress showed off Carol’s legs, Abby couldn’t help but follow the curves down to her black heels, making them seem longer… _God I hope Harge didn’t see that_.

Carol chose a seat between the two, giving Abby a good look at her profile. Her hair was done up in soft curls which ended at her shoulders, each framing her face to her advantage. Her lipstick was a rose pink, only just swaying from her natural colour. She wore some grey and black eye shadow with a little mascara and black eyeliner. Abby thought her eye make-up was an interesting metaphor for her life, a beautiful blue iris hidden amongst a sea of dark. Carol, hidden behind Harge. Carol also wore light pink blusher on top of a think layer of foundation. Abby thought she looked beautiful, in fact there was no denying that she did, but she longed to see what was under the paint that contoured her features into someone Carol pretended to be.

“I’m so sorry I’m late, Rindy needed settling down for sleep,” She smiled at Abby, making her heart flutter.

“Don’t apologise, Rindy is more important than I am.” Finally, Harge seemed to receive an answer that satisfied him as he sat back and smiled warmly at Abby. Carol pulled out a gold box and opened the lid. She pulled out two cigarettes then turned to Abby with a questioning smile. Abby returned a mischievous one, she bit her lip before taking the cigarette which seemed to catch Carol off-guard. She was wide-eyed for a moment but quickly recovered and smiled coyly at Abby before lighting the other two in her mouth and passing one to Harge. Abby was slightly shocked by Carol’s response. She wondered if Carol knew she was subtly…or not so subtly flirting.

The remainder of the night went fairly well in Abby’s eyes. She did not see Harge eye to eye on most topics that arose, particularly anything revolving politics as that was a man’s world waiting to be broken into. Despite this Harge seemed to like her and agreed to let her be godmother to his daughter. He also said Carol could do a trial with Rindy at the store, if all went well she could work there full time. Abby couldn’t have been more pleased if she tried. She thought that although she didn’t like the man, he wasn’t as insufferable as she had anticipated. But what really gave her joy was the glint in Carol’s eyes as she spoke to Abby, the way she fought to keep herself contained around this woman was to be desired. Abby was well and truly attracted to her friend.

As the night drew to a close, Abby began bidding farewells. Carol stopped her in the first sentence, saying she could not drive with the amount she had drunk and though Abby had taken a taxi to the house, she was not going to miss the opportunity to spend a night in it. Harge wasn’t tired, he chose to stay up and read a book but said goodnight to Abby anyway. She followed Carol up the spiral staircase she had admired earlier in the night, the smell of cigarette smoke lingering in her nose from the amount they had smoked in the dining room. They arrived at the guest bedroom in minutes and Abby was again in awe of the beautiful room in front of her.

She didn’t have time to admire it though, the alcohol had taken its toll on her, she felt herself become heavy quickly. She stumbled towards the bed then fell on top of it, causing both Abby and Carol to giggle. She knew as long as Carol was in the room, she would not be sleeping. Carol gave Abby a nightdress to sleep in, she told her she would return momentarily, she needed to check on Rindy. Abby changed quickly and laid beneath the covers. Sleep was beckoning her, its siren song more tempting than she would have liked to admit. Her eyes were heavy, her breathing slowed, she was slipping into a deep slumber.

She heard footsteps approaching the room but hard as she tried, she couldn’t open her eyes. The footsteps came closer, Abby registered someone standing over her. It wasn’t in a frightening or unsettling way, it was loving and caring. She felt delicate fingers brush hair away from her face, the skin soft against her cheek. The figure bent down, her breath warm against Abby’s forehead. She felt a kiss press lightly against her temple before Carol tucked Abby’s hair behind her ear and held her cheek in her hand. “Goodnight darling.” Carol stayed for a moment longer, watching Abby almost sleeping, then retreated to her own room.

Abby grinned, electricity sparking through her, she felt her body lighten in a way it hadn’t for a long time. She touched the place Carol's lips were moments ago, savouring the memory somewhere deep within her. Once she had calmed down from the excitement of having Carol’s lips in such close proximity to her face, Abby fell into a deep sleep, still smiling.


	4. Just Wine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry I've been away for so long! Too much work but I'm back now. This is a longer chapter but hopefully it makes up for the break!

_April 1949,_

Carol and Abby worked hard for weeks. Once the dinner was out of the way they got to work on looking at the places Abby had picked out, along with a few others just to be safe. They looked at around 10 properties in total, each had their own set of pros and cons. Some were amendable according to the budget the women had set aside, some were not, but Carol was happy to put more in if they found something they really wanted. They eventually picked something in Warwick, close to Madison Avenue. Carol thought it was a perfect distance from her home in New Jersey, so she could take Rindy to Florence if need be. Abby said that she was happy to just have a shop with Carol.

After the sold sign was put up, they got to work on redecorating the interior. It wasn’t in bad shape by any means but it didn’t suit the style Carol and Abby were going for. They spent a week picking out attributes like flooring, which they decided would be wooden with a red rug strewn across. The walls they would wallpaper in a mint green with darker green horizontal stripes. Carol was at first against the imbalance in colours, but she remembered how she felt about the flowers outside of her friend’s house and thought that perhaps it would pay off to listen to her. Her answer came when she set foot inside the shop once it was finally finished. Abby had been right about the stark contrast in colours, they played against each other beautifully. The chandelier they had chosen had been elegant in the shop, but in the room it was in now, it hung magnificently invisibly. One could take note of it if it caught their eye but it could easily be ignored and it certainly wouldn’t take anything away from the selling items as they had thought it might. There were lights around the room that shone dimly, to create the form of a living room. Though no stock had been moved into the space yet, Carol thought it was beautiful. She felt her heart start to beat again as she took steps forward to look closely at the details presented.

Abby was already dancing around the room with excitement, plotting aloud where she wanted to display their items. Carol thought it was beautiful watching her becoming so excited about her passion. She watched the expression on her face grow into something resembling amazement and wonder, as a child might with a new toy. Carol thought about how the two had grown so much closer over the past couple of weeks. They retorted back to calling each other names they used to like ‘nitwit’ and ‘slowpoke’ they touched each other more, they laughed until their cheeks hurt and even beyond that, they spoke deeply about issues in their lives. Carol knew each of them were holding things back from each other but it didn’t matter. One day they would trust each other to tell the other everything, like they used to. Carol knew that day would be soon. She also thought about the feelings she had felt in the time since she and Abby had met at her house for the first time. There were times when Carol couldn’t help but stare at lips, especially when she was smiling, times when she watched her walk away and thought about how elegant but clumsy her friend was. There were times when she admired the way her clothes fit her body, how Abby had started smoking more to compensate for the amount Carol did, how Carol had noticed the colours shaping Abby’s irises into artworks unlike no other. Yes, Carol knew Abby was very special to her, but she couldn’t put her finger on why she was noticing all of these things about her friend. It worried her a little, but she wouldn’t dwell.

“Carol! We could put some photos of Rindy back here!” Carol heard Abby call from the room at the back of the shop. She laughed, feeling her excitement grow to the extent Abby’s was at. She hadn’t brought Rindy with her to the first sighting of the new shop as some of the walls at the back were painted green rather than wallpapered and Carol didn’t want her daughter breathing in the ghastly smell of the fumes that would be radiating from it. It wasn’t as bad as she had thought it would be, but she was still glad she had left Rindy with Florence. Carol walked to the room Abby was in, wanting to see what she was talking about.

“Oh it is beautiful isn’t it?” Abby turned to face her with a look of utter ecstasy. Carol couldn’t help but mirror her.

“It’s better than I ever could have dreamed! All that work was worth it. The whole place looks just…” she waved her hand around and opened her mouth with no avail. _Speechless Abby is certainly amusing_.

“I know,” Carol looked around the room. It was small, probably less than half the size of her living room but she didn’t care. It was quaint, with two small tables, two chairs accompanying them, a bookshelf and a cabinet. One small window showed them the parking lot, consisting of only around 10 spaces. Carol thought it was all wonderful. The shop was in an area that would attract customers with and without lots of money, the interior was decorated to a standard that such customers would expect, the space was large enough to display around 20 items of furniture which would sell easily and bring in money for other designs and fabrics… They would be opening in a week once the shipments of furniture they had ordered a few weeks ago had been brought in and set up to show to customers. Carol knew Abby was more than excited, it made Carol excited too.

“We should go and celebrate,” Abby had been out to the main room, probably to dance around again before coming up behind Carol unexpectedly. Carol jumped when she heard her, then laughed from shock.

“Now?”

“Yes! Come on slowpoke, it’s time we had a drink.” Abby had already got her car keys and was heading out of the door. If Carol was honest, she wasn’t ready to go just yet, she wanted to spend more time admiring everything. But Abby’s calls for her were somehow hypnotising and Carol found herself unable to say no. She lit a cigarette, christening the place, then headed out to Abby’s car to see where they would be going.

On the drive to the Ameurish, an upper-class restaurant close to the shop, Carol thought about her feelings towards Abby. She couldn’t place what they were. She knew she enjoyed being around her and she certainly considered her a best friend. But there was something else there, something Carol wasn’t familiar with. She couldn’t understand why the smell of Abby’s hair seemed to linger wistfully in her nostrils. She had admired the way her body fitted into clothing, as already noted, but she had been blown away one time when her friend had worn heels that made her seem so much taller and more elegant despite doing almost nothing at all for her height. Carol would spend time at night thinking about the time Abby slept in the guest room, how she felt inclined to go back to the room to say goodnight even though she knew Abby wouldn’t have minded if she didn’t go back. Admittedly, Carol could have simply closed the door and walked away, but something possessed her into walking towards her friend, watching her sleeping so peacefully. She would think about the cigarette smell her breath was forming when she bent down to whisper goodnight in her ear. Then she would think about the kiss. It was simple, beautiful, electrifying and Carol still didn’t know why. It was simple show of affection that Abby didn’t even know about! But she still felt that warm feeling inside her chest and she still remembered the small skip she couldn’t help doing in the hallway after she had closed the door on a sleeping Abby. Carol found it all terrifying, she had never felt this way before and now she didn’t know what to do with it.

Her thoughts were put to an end when she found herself stopping outside the front of the restaurant, the attendant there pleasantly opening the door for her before getting in to park it. Carol strolled inside, wondering whether Abby was in there already. She walked up royal blue carpeted stairs, admiring the delicate gold design painted on the walls. Her hand brushed the wooden railing lightly, she thought about Rindy and how she would point out each gold marking. Rindy seemed to have taken a liking to gold recently. She would point out any gold jewellery Carol would be wearing or the gold ornaments that decorated the house. She smiled. Thinking about Rindy and their memories together always made Carol smile.

Carol’s ascent to the top of the stairs had felt much shorter than it was. _Too busy daydreaming again_. She smiled to herself, then to the waiter waiting to take her to a table. She told him she was looking for Abby Gerhard. He nodded politely with a smile and gestured for her to follow him. The royal blue and gold colour scheme continued throughout the dining room. The bars Carol usually went to with Abby had booths, square tables, seats at the bar. They were slightly more relaxed. This, although very beautiful, was unexpected. There were tables shaped into circles with white table cloths made of rich materials, Carol thought possibly satin. Most of the tables were occupied by two people only. Thankfully they weren’t all male and female couples. Blue carpet balanced each table atop, but rather than being confined to the floor as previously shown, the same shade of blue was painted on the door frames, some of the doors, almost rebelling where it shouldn’t be. Yet it was beautiful. The gold pattern continued on the wall, spirals twisting into each other catching the light in a soft glow that radiated on to the tables nearest the walls. As she walked through the tables, listening to the light chatter, Carol saw two women sat a table by the wall. They were both wearing long gowns, one red the other green, their blonde hair pinned up into a delicate and most certainly time-consuming style. Their make-up was subtle, barely there, but they glowed nonetheless. She noticed the way they smiled at each other, like friends but also not. She couldn’t quite work it out. They seemed to gaze at each other in a way that was almost friendly but not, and it wasn’t nasty or venomous. Carol looked away. She felt as though she was intruding, but she was entranced as well. She forced herself to look ahead but smiled. They looked incredibly happy. 

She walked past a bottle of Perrier Jouet, champagne that costs probably around a thousand dollars a bottle. _Abby really does like to celebrate_. The price meant nothing to Carol, more the thought of Harge wondering why she was drinking well without him. A martini at lunch was one thing, expensive champagne was another. He had gotten mad at her one evening when she came home a little later than usual with alcohol on her breath. They had rowed, louder and more passionately than ever before. He had said that she was his wife, she was to do as he said and he said no drinking without him. She had said that women were not possessions and if he wished to treat her as much then she would become nothing more than still life ornament at his dinner parties, which would make people ask questions. He almost raised his hand to her, he became closer than he ever had before. Carol remembered the expression on his face, the anger. Then it softened…and his hand dropped. He became Harge again. He picked up his scotch and walked up to bed. Carol had always disliked crying, but she spent most of that night in tears on the couch. Their marriage was broken and she was considering leaving him that night. But things change. Since then she has been torn as to whether she should take control of her life and cause more arguments, or whether she should just keep the peace. Rindy made the decision for her. She became pregnant soon after the row, neither party wanted to create a negative environment for the child. So Carol never drank anything more than a martini at lunch.

Abby was sat at a table just off from the right-hand side of the room. She saw Carol and smiled, warmly. Carol again found herself baffled by Abby’s smile and yet again she didn’t know why. Something struck a chord inside her gut though as she thought back to about ten seconds ago when she saw the two women in beautiful gowns smiling at each other. Abby must be very happy to spend time with her.

“Slowpoke! I won, I got here faster!”

“That may be so my dear, but you probably broke every speed limit possible on the way,” Carol smiled warmly and winked, causing Abby to giggle. She was already smoking a cigarette, but her lighter was on the table and she offered it to Carol as she went to light her own. Carol looked at Abby as the end of the cigarette began to glow. Abby eyes were fixated on the cigarette in Carol’s mouth…she wondered why.

“So, you said we’d be having a drink to celebrate…” Carol looked mischievously at her friend. Abby smirked.

“Well missy, what would you like? They have everything you could possibly imagine here…probably more than.” She blew out smoke to her left and playfully shrugged, but kept her eyes on Carol. Carol found herself unable to take her eyes away from her friend’s. This was a stand off and Carol was not going to look away.

“So they would have a martini?” Abby’s eyes went dull.

“Well yes, I imagine so. But this is a celebration! We should be ordering something a little more… exquisite.” Carol considered her. She was right, they should be. But could she risk it with Harge?

“Fine something ‘exquisite’, but not much of it. We both have to drive home and the last time I drove home with anything more than a martini burning my throat, I almost got pulled over,” Abby laughed at that. Carol felt warmth run through her chest. Making Abby laugh was an achievement, even though she did it all the time for Carol. She also noted that she had won the stand-off as Abby closed her eyes when she laughed, not that she really cared about that anymore.

“You nitwit,” she was still giggling but continued to spurt out words regardless, “just the one glass then,” Carol smiled, the waiter appeared. Abby ordered something for them. Carol wasn’t listening which was odd. She was too busy tracing the curve of Abby’s fingers around her cigarette. She caught herself quickly and managed to be polite to the waiter before he went about his orders. _What the hell was that?_ Carol made sure to keep herself focused. She would have to think tonight, something was wrong with her and she needed to know what it was.

“So, is the one glass really because you almost got pulled over?”

“Well, what else would it be?” Carol smiled but frowned.

“It’s just that, meeting Harge in person has shown me a little more about your life and more about you. You were different,” She smiled at Carol, but the warmth was gone.

“What do you mean?” Carol was beginning to feel a little worried, she was sure she had acted the way she was supposed to. She did a quick run through of the night mentally, concluding that nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Then a thought stopped her from progressing any further. What if she had done that gazing thing then as well? She felt a little more than worry, panic made her breath hitch a little, then quicken. What she was feeling and doing was more than odd, it was outrageous and shouldn’t be happening. You don’t look at your friends like that. She didn’t even understand why she was doing it. It just was. She was just more unfocused around Abby for some reason. She would have to explain, she would have to apologise.

“You’re more…reserved.”

 _Oh_.

“Now, well five minutes or so ago, you were relaxed, chatty, happy. You smiled at me warmly. But when we were at your mansion—”

“It’s not a mansion,”

“It’s a mansion.” Abby looked serious but then she broke into a smile, relaxing Carol a little more. Her face became serious again though. “When we were at yours’ a couple of weeks ago you were…not how you are now. You seemed to put on a façade for me, or for him. I think that perhaps, Harge has expectations of you that change the way you act, the way to respond to people. It was difficult to be around you if I’m honest, even though I was ecstatic that we got the partnership.” Carol was awestruck. She hadn’t thought she was any different to how she is usually. No one had bothered to comment, or tell her otherwise. But then maybe that was the problem, most of her friends were Harge’s so she rarely saw them without him. They wouldn’t see a difference. Even if they did they would probably refer to him before asking her themselves. It made her angry to think about it, all of it. But mostly she was upset by the fact Abby had felt uncomfortable around her. She was about to reply when their waiter returned with a bottle of expensive red wine that Carol hadn’t been acquainted with yet, which wasn’t much of a surprise as she didn’t drink wine all that often. That was partly a lie, she did, but it was Harge’s choice of drink so if she could avoid it she would. The waiter left and for the first time since their friendship had rekindled, they were left in an uncomfortable silence. Carol regarded Abby who was looking over the ingredients of the alcohol. After a moment or so she looked up.

“You’re not allergic to anything are you?” Carol smiled.

“Nuts.” Abby giggled then scrutinized the bottle.

“Nope…no nuts,” She smirked then picked up her glass, already filled by the waiter, gesturing for Carol to do the same.

“To our new partnership,” They drank. Carol enjoyed the taste which surprised her. She generally found wine to leave a nasty taste in her mouth, but this might be quite different. She enjoyed it, that was for sure but when she looked at Abby, she was sure she hadn’t enjoyed it as much as her friend had. She watched Abby, he eyes closed, her nose on the rim of the glass. Her breaths were deep, slow, and a smile played on her lips.

“Delightful,” Now it was Carol’s turn to laugh. ‘Delightful’, was not a word Abby generally used and it was funny to hear it. Carol found it funnier that it probably should have been as she tipped her head back and allowed her laughter to escape slightly louder than she had intended. Of course by this point, almost everyone in the room was enjoying themselves in their own small conversations so she didn’t draw attention, not that she would’ve minded all that much. She was still smiling when she looked at Abby again, who looked confused and happy all at once.

“Delightful?” Abby went red, then laughed too, spurring Carol on for a second round. When they had calmed down Abby explained that she had some interesting words when it came to wine. Carol felt herself growing warmer watching Abby talk about something she enjoyed so much. It was the second time today that had happened. She smiled at her and ran her fingers through her hair, hoping to show her interest in Abby’s small lecture. When she had finished talking they both took another sip of their wine before Carol remembered that she had something to say and cleared her throat.

“Harge doesn’t particularly like me to drink…makes me into someone different, he says,” Carol smiled apologetically, almost embarrassed.

“Why? You like it.” The return was again unexpected. Carol could usually predict what a person might say next to her as she tended to have similar conversations with most people. Abby was different. Once a topic was covered she didn’t bring it up again. They always had more to talk about. Everything was new and Carol felt she was walking on a layer of ice that was being melted by the sun. Abby was the sun.

The afternoon soon turned into evening as the women lost track of time and amount of glasses. Carol thought it was odd that Abby kept ordering water with her wine but she figured it out when it was time to leave. Carol thought the floor was moving. It made her giggle. She wasn’t drunk, only tipsy. The wine was nice, but it was still wine and she couldn’t drink that much of it. It was more Abby who had lost count of the glasses, yet somehow managed to stay mostly sober. They thanked the waiter and paid him a generous tip. Abby then asked if it was possible for a car to be left over night to which the waiter promised to take good care of for two of his best customers of the evening. Carol tried to argue but she was pushed out of the door and down the stairs before she really had chance. Soon they were in the parking lot. Abby got her into the car then sat in the driver’s seat. Carol was laughing at something… she couldn’t remember what.

“Let’s get you home.” She started the engine, but Carol spoke up quickly.

“No! Harge will kill me if he sees me like this. Please, take me to yours and I’ll call him from there,”

“Okay, but what will you tell him?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe that we’re going to work through the night so we’re ready to open on time next week?” Carol thought that Abby was considering it. Carol also thought that the car parked opposite Abby’s was a triangle painted bright orange, so her thoughts probably shouldn’t be taken seriously. _Maybe I’m a little drunk_.

“Alright. My mother’s house is closer I’ll take us there for the night. I’m sure she’ll be happy to know you’re well.” Carol sat back, excited to be spending a night somewhere that wasn’t with Harge. On the drive she thought about Rindy, immediately becoming panicked. Harge would want her to be home with her daughter, not out with a friend. God, he wouldn’t know what he was doing with her bed time routine either. She tried to remember what day it was, she was sure it was sometime in the week which meant that it wasn’t Sunday. If it wasn’t Sunday, then Florence was most likely still working. She relaxed, thinking that Florence was a good woman. She could rely on her when times like this came around.

When they reached Abby’s mother’s house, Carol was awestruck, for only the second time that night. Carol barely ever found herself surprised by enormity or money but this house was by far the most expensive one she had seen. Carol had forgotten how wealthy Abby’s parents were, along with the house she used to play in with Abby when they were children. Abby took her arm and led up to the front door. The front garden was massive. Big green conifers lined them with several smaller bushes underneath. Various statues of animals sat in aesthetically appeasing places. Carol thought it was beautiful. But it proved that no matter how much money you had you couldn’t always replicate the most beautiful of places. This garden was nothing like the beauty that Abby’s displayed. Or the beauty of Abby. _What am I talking about? Stay focused for Christ sake._

Abby knocked a few times before an older lady wearing a beautiful black dressing gown appeared behind it. The woman was older than Carol remembered…obviously. Carol thought that she should stop thinking, everything was seeming stupid.

“Abby darling!” The woman looked happy and confused. Then she looked down at the entwined arms and a look of horror flashed across her face, confusing Carol for probably the hundredth time that day, much to her frustration. Abby managed to catch the look and stopped whatever the woman was thinking.

“Mother, you remember Carol Ross?” The woman’s face lit up slightly.

“Yes of course I do! Carol, how lovely to see you dear,” She kissed Carol on each cheek, she tried to do the same but failed miserably.

“Mother, Carol has a lot to drink and should probably lie down. Is it alright if we stay here tonight?”

“Yes dear, of course,” She opened the door wider to let them pass. Carol stumbled over the first step slightly. Abby was saying something to her mother about water but Carol wasn’t listening. A bed sounded wonderful right now. She really had drunk too much. Together, they climbed the stairs and before she knew it, Carol was inside Abby’s old room on top of her bed. She hoped when she was awake again to take more notice of her surroundings. She felt a little better but not much. A glass was thrust into her hand. She drank the contents and waited to feel more like herself. Abby sat on the end of her bed. She was looking at something to he right of her, facing away from Carol. She thought it best to leave her alone for a moment, so she lay back and closed her eyes.

Carol woke with a start. Abby was sat in the same position as when she had fallen asleep. Carol thought she couldn’t have been sleeping long.

“Hey Abby,”

“Hey,” Abby turned to look at her friend. The sight of her sobered Carol up completely. Abby had tears in her eyes, though she had restrained them so none would fall, Carol could still see the pain that her friend was feeling.

“Just so you know, I called Harge and made up some excuse about coming back to mine to work but you had fallen asleep. He didn’t seem to mind all that much.” Carol didn’t care that much about Harge right now.

“Abby, darling, what’s wrong?” She put her hands on Abby’s arms to turn her to face her. She looked deep into her eyes. _Artworks_. Abby’s lips turned up into a sad smile. The make-up wasn’t covering her features now they were so close. She could see the worn out look in her eyes and the places where her skin wasn’t as in good condition as she may have thought an hour ago. Carol had always thought that Abby was beautifully perfect. Now that Carol could see she wasn’t, it only seemed to make her more beautiful. Abby was hesitant to answer, Carol didn’t want her to feel that way around her. She wanted her to be able to tell her anything. She had said as much many times.

“I…don’t want you to think any different of me,” Carol was confused and hurt. _What would make me think any different of you? Why do you assume that anything would make me turn away from you?_

“Don’t be a stupe.” Carol tried to lighten the mood with a reassuring smile, telling her everything would be okay. Abby smiled then frowned.

“If I tell you, can you promise you won’t hate me, or run away?” There was pause where they looked into each other’s eyes again. Friends that could do that were good friends, ones that could tell each other anything. Carol’s hand dropped to cover Abby’s. She smiled as warmly as she could in unchartered territory.

“Of course.” Abby looked away as she began telling Carol about a woman called Ruth. Carol listened intently to how Abby had wished to impress her, as her student which was of course natural. She listened to the times they had spent together that weren’t about learning, not in the traditional style anyway. Ruth had said that as humans, we are always learning. Everyday is different and we must learn to cope with each one as it arrives. Carol felt herself agreeing with this, what this woman had said was true. She must remember to teach Rindy the same mantra. Abby’s smile faded as she began to talk about a warm summer day when the two had gone outside to learn. Carol saw nothing harmful or upsetting yet, but she felt the worst was yet to come.

“We were sat outside, and something happened. I was mad at her… I was mad at her because I found out she didn’t like me. Not in the way I wanted her to anyway,” Carol was beyond confused at that statement. Wasn’t there only one way you could like a person? Whether you did or not?

“I had turned away to read. When I turned back around Ruth was crying. I didn’t want her to cry even though she made me and it was weird because Ruth hated crying. So, we spoke, and she told me that this is wrong but she couldn’t stop herself. Then she kissed me.” Carol felt her jaw drop. She closed it quickly remembering that she had promised to accept Abby no matter what she had done. Carol thought she was about to find out that Abby had killed someone, it would have been less surprising. She couldn’t understand why, but a shot of adrenaline was making her heart pump faster. She was suddenly excited. She looked at Abby, pleading for her to continue with her story.

“I was so happy in that moment. More happy than I had ever been in my fifteen years of life. But father was right behind me and he sent Ruth away. He sent her to horrible fate. Now I’m stuck here with the memories of her everywhere…” Abby was trying to choke back a sob but it let out anyway. Carol held her close and stroked her hair. She thought that she would have minded if she ever found out she knew a woman who liked a woman, or a man who like a man. But there was no negative feeling. Nothing apart from feeling left out. The way Abby spoke about Ruth was the way she should be speaking about Harge. Did that mean something? She wanted someone to talk about her like that…she didn’t want that someone to be Harge. It only took a moment for Abby to calm down.

“I hate crying.”

“I know.” They looked at each other and Carol smiled. Abby smiled back.

“What was it like? Kissing her? I mean what did it feel like?”

“It felt, soft. It felt like the world was spinning and the smell of the flowers was lingering harshly in my nose and the bees were buzzing louder. It felt like magic…” Abby was smiling again and Carol longed to feel the same things Abby had felt. She took a moment to think. What she was about to suggest was crazy, beyond that. It was completely out of character…but so was getting drunk and spending the night at her friend’s house.

“Will you show me how?”

Abby looked shocked. Carol felt her heart thumping loudly in her chest. She was ready for rejection and disappointment. She almost took back the idea but then something happened. Soft lips met her own. Something happened. Abby was kissing her in a way that Harge never had, and he had never made her feel this way either. The bed felt comfier all of a sudden and Abby’s skin was so soft…just the way Carol had remembered. She felt the way that Abby described when she kissed Ruth. Everything fell into place, the reason she had noticed more about Abby's appearance, why she couldn't stop looking at her eyes, why everything seemed to be happier and more relaxed with her and for the first time, everything in the world seemed right.


	5. Bedtime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so I have 3 week intensive module to do at uni starting tomorrow which means I may not be able to post up until the end of March, hopefully this chapter will keep you going until then though ;)

_April 1949,_

When Abby sat back and opened her eyes, Carol was wide eyed. She thought maybe she had misheard her or misunderstood what Carol had meant with her request. Maybe it wasn't a request at all, maybe Abby had just dreamt it. Panic began to swell but it rose quickly when the expression on her friend’s face didn’t change. _Fuck!_

“Oh gosh. I’m so sorry!” Abby got up and backed away to the door. She covered her hand with her mouth, her own eyes widening. Carol’s eyes followed her but the expression remained the same. She looked like she wanted to say something but her mouth wasn't letting her. All the same it was probably something insulting which Abby downright deserved! The panic was too much and Abby felt herself giving in to it. She had ruined everything. It was okay to look at Carol. It was okay to think about Carol. It was even okay to think about Carol in ways that made her feel good. But it was not okay to tell Carol she liked her - which she hadn't necessarily but it was probably obvious now anyway - and it was NOT okay to kiss her! Abby felt the tears brimming at her eyes. She hated crying, but the emotions were taking over. It was all just too much. She felt the door knob behind her, turned it and after a last glance at Carol she closed the door behind her and half jogged to the bathroom. The tears from earlier had washed away most of her make-up, when she saw herself in the mirror all she could think about is how disappointed Ruth would be if she could see her now. She closed the bathroom door, locking it for security. Her knees gave way and she sank to the floor, her back leaning against the door in case the lock wasn’t enough to keep prying eyes away.

She knew she couldn’t sob loudly, her mother would be on the other side of the door in seconds if she were to. She always enjoyed the gossip, though Abby hated her for it. Her head hit her knees as silent cries crowded the empty space. Questions and thoughts alike kept surfacing in her mind, why was she so stupid? She’s fucked it all up with Carol now. Maybe her father was right after all, maybe she should try conversion therapy or going to see a psychologist or going to damn church. Abby had been in control of every situation she had created since she had left her parents house. She found it ironic that the first time she had felt out of control was back in the same building. The bones in her butt were beginning to ache but she was damned if she was going to move anywhere. Fuck it, she was damned anyway.

A while, perhaps half an hour had passed with Abby sitting in the same position. She had tried to stop the tears but every so often one would fall, quickly erased by a shaky hand. She didn’t want to go back to Carol, she didn’t want to face her again. Abby would be quite happy if Carol was gone by the time she went back to her old bedroom, it was certainly a possibility. But thoughts of Rindy soon clouded her mind and she felt another piece of her shattered heart break away. She had a bond with the little girl, she had since the moment she laid eyes on her…and Abby loved her. She hated the thought of losing her, not being able to see her again or her smile that made her cheeks bunch into chubby little potatoes. She stood up, determined to at least try and fight for her Goddaughter. The mirror that had fallen from view was once again reflecting Abby’s features, swollen red eyes accompanied with red lips, but mostly a pale face. Paler than usual. She went to the faucet running the cold tap harshly and used it to cool her face, hoping some of the redness would fade. From now on she couldn’t show Carol her emotions. She stopped the cold water from running with the gold handle, considered the mirror and took a deep breath. Then she turned to the door once again.

Just before she had chance to turn the handle there was a soft tap at the door. Abby froze. She knew it was Carol, her mother would knock loudly with great effort, probably hoping to wake anyone who may be in the house. Abby was on her toes, her back as straight as she could possibly make it and her eyes screwed shut. The deep breath she had released less than five seconds earlier was now being held in again. Abby waited for something more. She waited until she couldn’t hold her breath anymore. When she exhaled, all her tensed muscles relaxed with it, and she slowly tiptoed towards the door. Instead of opening it she put her ear next to the door and closed her eyes.

“Yes?” It was quiet. The only other person who could hear it would be on the other side of the door. Abby hoped Carol would keep to the same restrictions but she had no right to ask.

“Please…” a moment passed. “Open the door. I wanna talk.”

Abby wasn’t sure how she should respond. On one hand Carol wasn’t shouting or making a fuss, on the other she didn’t seem particularly enthused with talking to her either. Abby ran a hand through the middle of her hair, pushing it all back to the top of her head and held it there. _What dilemma have I gotten myself into now?_ With a shaky breath, Abby unlocked the door, then slowly opened it to reveal Carol standing there, looking into her eyes once more. There was a silence as they looked at each other, to Abby it felt uncomfortable, as though she was being scrutinised from head to toe. She probably was.

Until Carol slowly held out her hand, offering it to Abby. The woman who she thought hated her, who was running from the house screaming in Abby’s mind, was now offering to hold her hand. She gulped. Was this some kind of trick? An hour or so ago Carol had looked at her as though she was some form of deranged spirit. Why would she change her mind now? Even with these new intrusive thoughts in her mind, Abby still longed for Carol to hold her hand, to kiss her once more. She was stupid and she knew it, but reached for Carol anyway.

Once their hands were locked together Carol turned and pulled Abby back to the bedroom. Abby went to sit on the bed as Carol closed the door behind them. She turned and slowly walked to sit next to Abby, making her slowly repairing heart skip a little. Carol bit her lip as she lent forward slightly on the bed, observing the objects in front of her. Abby looked in the same direction, seeing her large wardrobe with a flowered design on it. It was beautiful, she supposed, but she couldn’t understand why Carol had taken such an interest in it. Unless she was just daydreaming. Abby lined it with her eyes trying to find anything odd about the object, looking up at the top last. It was then that she noticed the picture slightly poking over the top. 

Ruth had been a very good artist when she taught Abby and Abby had asked her father at an early age if she could specialise in art. He was a man who believed in a proper education which generally required books, words and numbers. But he gave Ruth permission to teach Abby art for two hours a week if she had completed all of her work to an exceptional standard. Abby worked incredibly hard to afford those two hours every week. After years of lessons and secret practise, Abby was able to claim her art was good enough to begin showing Ruth some of her really good work. Ruth of course loved each piece, stating that they could use work but it was certainly an improvement from the last. Abby had always loved the way Ruth would criticise her with a compliment. After repeatedly asking for weeks on end, Ruth finally gave in to Abby’s pleas to let her paint her. One sunny afternoon in the same summer Ruth was sent away, Abby painted the woman of her dreams. The painting was perfect by the time it was finished. She had drawn outlines of Ruth’s figure and features in the two house she spent with her, then spent the remainder of the weekend painting the rest of the details. She showed Ruth the finished piece the following Monday. She really was pleased, tears almost brimming her eyes it seemed to Abby. Ruth had smiled genuinely at her and told her it was beautiful. She hadn’t painted since then, painting just hurt her more.

Carol was holding the picture now, examining it closely. Abby watched as her eyes scanned every detail. She was standing in front of the wardrobe but came to sit by Abby again soon after.

“Is this Ruth?” Carol looked up at her.

“Yes.” She looked back down at the painting whilst Abby found something else to look at. She brushed imaginary fluff from her night gown that she had changed into when Carol was sleeping. One day she would face the picture again, but it wouldn’t be now, not today. Maybe not even this year. She closed her eyes, drawing her mind away from the painful memories and back onto the only positive thing in her life at that moment. The furniture shop. But even that didn’t bring her much joy as Carol and Rindy were attached to it and she wasn’t sure where she stood with either of them anymore. She opened her eyes, remembering that she needed to talk to her friend, well she hoped friend but found Carol looking at her with affection. All thoughts seemed to evaporate.

“She’s beautiful.” _So are you._ It dawned on Abby once again just how similar Carol and Ruth were in appearance. They shared strikingly similar features. Abby wondered if that was why she was attracted to Carol, if so, she saw no harm in it.

“She’s long gone now,” Abby sighed. Carol stood and returned the painting to where she had found it. Abby felt the familiar butterflies return as Carol’s weight dipped the bed next to her. She looked at Abby and Abby looked back at her. It was so much more than a look but Abby couldn’t place the emotion behind Carol’s eyes. She couldn’t tell what was coming next. Carol raised her hand to caress Abby’s cheek. She looked at her with so much more than a look, Abby now registered it as adoration. She hoped.

Carol leant in closer, Abby did the same. Their lips met tenderly, both women giving and taking equally. Abby didn’t hold on to Carol, she gave her every opportunity to move if she wanted. But it appeared Carol didn’t want anything other than what she had. Carol’s fingers were still against Abby’s cheek, the skin there tingling more with each passing minute. They kissed slowly, unrushed though Abby felt as though the adrenaline injected into her body thought things should be going much faster. But she was also happy, happy that Carol wasn’t running for the hills, happy that she still had this with her. Happy, not ecstatic, as she thought she may have been.

Carol laid back on the bed, pulling Abby on top of her before they kissed again, more passionately than before. Time seemed to have no constraint, they could use as much or as little as they wanted, Abby was certainly content with taking her time. Carol had slid her hands around Abby’s head and woven her fingers into her hair, gripping it lightly. Abby had one hand supporting her beside Carol’s head whilst the other felt its way around her outline. She ran her fingers over large, well situated curves, covered in cloth that Carol hadn’t changed out of since their arrival. She felt the dip that connected her hip to her waist, then the uphill battle to her breasts. Abby wasn’t sure whether her friend wanted more, so decided to stick with only acquainting herself with the outer curve before trailing her nails up to Carol’s collarbone. This wasn’t covered by clothes and Abby took great care with raking her nails along the smooth skin open to her. She rested her hand on the side of Carols’s neck, her fingers gently placed behind her ear.

Carol broke the kiss. Her eyes fluttered open, revealing striking blue irises. Abby’s heart leapt as though racing to win a race of hurdles. She had seen some of the men training for the Olympics when she was younger and could never understand the attraction to something that took so much energy. Now, as she continued to gaze at Carol or her own private running track, she understood exactly why they kept going back. Abby dropped her hand to the other side of Carol’s head so she could lean over her more comfortably. Carol kept her eyes fixed on her friend as she began unbuttoning the blouse clung to her body. Abby noticed a shift, Carol’s teeth biting down on her lip on one side and her eyes grew darker with each button undone. Abby sat up, pulling her own shirt over her head before admiring the black lace that barely kept Carol innocent. Abby thought that perhaps she was innocent, she had never spoken of being with a woman before, she could most definitely be new to all of this. She leant down and kissed the blonde with affection, then began lightly kissing her cheek, slowly moving across her face and into the caress of her neck. Carol sat up on her elbows when Abby reached her collar bone, unclasping the bra she was wearing. She kissed her way down to nipples coloured a light shade of pink then lightly slid her tongue over one of them.

Carol sighed quietly, most likely remembering how much of a light sleeper Abby’s mother was. Abby began sucking and licking, using Carol’s movements and sounds as direction of what was working and wasn’t. She moved over each breast, giving great attention to each one before kissing the space below them. She began removing the slip and skirt, revealing Carol’s stomach and panties. More kissing, more licking, more sucking. Carol was trying hard not to squirm beneath her but every so often her hips would twitch upwards, then to each side as she settled on the bed again. With the slip gone Carol was left in nothing but her underwear. Abby wanted to take in the view which seemed to make Carol uncomfortable. Abby didn’t understand why, she was more than beautiful. She was extraordinary, easily comparable to the view of a sunset slowly sinking beneath sea after a long hot day on the beach. Abby gently ran her fingertips over Carol’s stomach, her eyes following her fingers with a slight smile before looking back into Carol’s eyes. Carol was second only to Ruth, but no one would overtake that spot. She reached around to her back, unfastening her own bra then dropping to the floor with Carol’s clothes. Slowly, with great care, she bent over and placed a firm kiss against Carol’s lips, then one more to her cheek before returning to her stomach.

When she found Carol’s centre it was already soaked with lubricant. Her legs were shaking lightly so Abby loosely held them in place. The first taste of Carol was taken delicately. A new sweet substance that Abby could certainly consider one of her new favourite tastes, lay on her tongue. She admired the way her lover wanted her after each lick, slowly torturing her, making Carol buck her hips up more frequently. Abby had only done this to one other woman who didn’t appreciate being made to wait. Carol was clearly frustrated, but would never ask for more. Abby decided she wanted more out of Carol though and began flicking her tongue over the hard bud every so often. She slid her tongue over other areas of Carol in between flicks and Carol began moaning slightly louder. Abby smiled, knowing that she was probably trying to keep her voice quiet purposely for the sake of her mother. She wondered how loud Carol would be if they had gone back to her place instead of her mother’s… Maybe one day she would find out. Carol’s hand came to the back of Abby’s head, she laced her fingers through her hair and gripped firmly. Abby felt her head being moved up to where Carol wanted her and this time she was happy to oblige. Carol became more excited the longer the process went on, Abby was slightly worried she was getting to loud and at one point lifted her head so she could push her finger to her own lips with a smile. Carol understood. She had started thrusting her hips, they became harder until she finally arched her back and pulled Abby’s head close to her. Her thighs trembled around Abby’s head, her other hand had flung to her mouth in an attempt to keep muffle her orgasm. Abby licked slowly until the other woman’s back had relaxed against the bed and her legs were still.

Smiling, Abby crawled up on top of Carol so they were looking at each other. Carol wasted no time in pulling her in for a searing kiss which shocked Abby since most women didn’t kiss her once she had used her mouth on them. _Carol certainly is special._

In a quick movement Abby was flipped on to her back and it was Carol’s turn to have fun. They smiled warmly, enjoying each other’s presence now rather than fearing it, though Abby would be lying if she said she wasn’t still nervous. Carol stripped her quickly, leaving no time for breath. Then they were kissing again, each firmly gripping the other’s face, then moving down to their backs and hugging each other closely. Their bodies seemed to fit perfectly together, each curve melded into the other woman’s skin. Abby wished she could see the way they looked so she could paint them, a desire she hadn’t had in a long time. Carol began repeating the process Abby had taken out on her earlier, but it was faster, as though she couldn’t get enough of her. Abby closed her eyes, allowing herself to get lost in the mixture of clumsy but beautiful sensations. Carol’s thigh slipped in between her own, creating friction where Abby needed it. Together, with Carol’s head rested above her own once more, they built up pleasure for each other. Abby opened her eyes to find a lustful pair of eyes on her own and she daren’t look away. Her hands gripped the sheets of the bed, almost tearing them. Their breathing became rapid and soon they were both orgasming, the second time for Carol. Abby was taking deep breaths, allowing her own legs to shake uncontrollably around Carol’s. The blonde lightly collapsed on top of Abby, their breathing displaying their growing exhaustion.

When they were both on sides again it was late into the night, or early in the morning. Neither had been interested in the time. They lay close together, face to face, each simply looking into the other’s eyes. Abby’s favourite colour had always been blue, ever since she was a teenager. It was easy to gaze into the intricate mixture lighter blues in front of her. She lazily drew her fingernails over Carol’s back, watching as she became too tired to keep her eyes open. When she was soundly asleep, Abby gently moved Carol’s arm back to her side and slipped out of bed. She watched Carol for a moment with the same look of adoration that she suspected had been given to her the night she persuaded Harge to let her be a part of his family’s life. She brushed the back of her fingers against Carol’s cheek with a warm smile, then turned to find some spare pyjamas she had left the last time she slept in this room. She didn't want her mother to walk in on them both naked.

Abby found herself back in the bathroom still utterly nude. She checked in the mirror for any marks Carol may have made but her skin was clear, as though nothing had happened at all. Abby wondered how Carol would react in the morning. She could easily have still been drunk when they started kissing and she might not even remember anything. The thought made her mood drop slightly. She didn’t think her friend was that drunk…but it was a possibility Abby would have to consider. She re-focused her gaze on the mirror, looking at her reflection with a small smile. She had been so busy checking her neck for red spots or hickeys that she had forgotten to look at her face. There was a dark red lipstick mark streaked across her cheek, along with smudges on and around her lips. Since there was no lipstick anywhere else Abby thought that Carol must have done it on a purpose…perhaps to mark her territory. Abby smiled wider, she didn’t want to wash it away, but she had no choice. Mother could never see her like this.

Half an hour later Abby was back in the room with Carol fully dressed. She sat on top lightly and slowly swung her legs round to lie down. She tried hard not to wake Carol but her efforts weren’t enough. Carol smiled up at her knowingly. Abby leant over to kiss her once more. Then Carol turned over and wrapped her arm around Abby again, pulling her close so she could bury her head in Abby’s chest. Abby knew then that everything that had happened that night had been real and it would be engraved into her mind. She kissed Carol on the forehead then closed her eyes.

Bright colours shone through the window, creating patterns of varying light throughout the room depending on what objects were creating shadows in front of the sun. It was mild in temperature, though Abby felt like she’d slept next to a heater all night. It wasn’t until she finally opened her eyes that she realised had slept next to the equivalent of a heater. Abby and Carol were tangled up in each, a thin layer of sweat covering both of them. Abby looked at the most beautiful woman in the room…then remembered that she didn’t have much competition and smiled to herself. Even in a room full of royals, actors and rich folk Carol would still be the most beautiful woman in the room. Her mouth was open slightly, allowing her deeper breaths and small puddle of saliva lay on the pillow. Abby didn’t mind, but she knew Carol would hate it when she woke up. She was such a stupe for things like that. She brushed some of the hair away from her pale face, hoping to stop the growing sweat on the blonde’s forehead. Abby decided the best way to cool them both down would be to separate. She reluctantly peeled her skin away from Carol’s where it was touching and got up.

Her pyjamas were damp, and Abby couldn’t stand to stay in them. She undressed quickly and found her dressing gown on a set of hooks in between the wardrobe and the door, fastening it tightly. She had left her bag by the dresser on the other side of the bed. Her legs moved quickly but quietly towards it and dug her hand around to find her cigarettes. She got one out, propping it against her lips as she watched the end burn in amber. She crossed the other arm over her ribcage and leant back against the dresser. Carol was sleeping soundly, her make up slightly smudged in places, particularly on her lips. Abby smiled at the thought of what did that. Even with the ‘imperfections’, Carol was an angel.

It had been a long time since Abby had been in this room. She only ever visited her mother once or twice a month and usually didn’t stay longer than an hour or so. Abby was never certain if she had anything to do with what happened to Ruth, she always thought her farther had seen her as inferior to him so likely she had no say, but that didn’t stop Abby from thinking about how she would’ve reacted if she did have a say. Abby already knew what she would’ve said. The permanent disappointment in her eyes told her so. This was probably the first time in three, maybe more years that she had slept in her old home. The room was the same as it had always been. In front of her was the four-post single duvet bed that took up barely a quarter of the room, opposite that the wardrobe with the floral design painted on. A set of hooks with a couple of old coats and bags adorned the space on the wall to the right of it, then the door painted bright white. The wall was a baby blue with small birds painted on top in some places. Abby didn't remember having much of an interest in nature as a child but nobody would know why with all the flowers and the birds everywhere. To the far right was the window that was now allowing more sunlight to pour into the room, a desk was underneath it. It was bare. It hadn’t always been bare but the last time Abby had cared about anything enough to work on it was before Ruth had gone away. _Ruth._

Carol stirred in her sleep, rolling over to face Abby. She squinted, trying to focus on the world in front of her. Abby thought it was endearing.

“Hey sleepy head,” She smiled at her friend. Carol smiled groggily back.

“What time is it?”

“Not sure, but the sun has only just really come up so I’d say around six thirty, seven ish?”

“How? We barely slept last night…” Then Carol seemed to remember and her eyes fixed on Abby’s. A wide grin spread across her face before she pushed her head down, hiding it in the ben sheets. It made Abby grin too. It was a blissful feeling.

The Earth shattered beneath their feet and their expressions changed to in that of horror. Abby’s mother was stomping down the hallway – in her usual calm manner. Carol jumped out of bed to find something to cover herself with until she realised there was nothing and opted for hiding beneath the sheets again. Abby put out her cigarette and opened the window, trying to waft the smoky smell away from the room. Abby enjoyed smoking greatly, she did it alone, with friends, whenever she wanted to really. But her mother hated when she did it and had been known to go ape around the neighbourhood when she found Abby doing it. _At least it’s not the biggest thing I have to hide._ Abby smiled despite herself. A knock at the door followed by a pause surprised Abby. Her mother tended to just walk in after knocking, as though the knock was to let her know she would be walking in in case Abby hadn’t heard her marching up to her room.

“Abby, I’m going out to meet some friends. I’ve joined an activist group to help women get better rights. Your father would hate it so don’t tell him,” _I’m sure father’s dead…_ “In prayer of course,” _Oh I see_. Abby's mother thought she was still attending church to pay for her 'sins'. “The maid will be here soon, I’ll see you when I next see you,”

Carol’s eyes shone up at Abby, a smirk twitching at her lips. Abby couldn’t help the warmth growing in her stomach at the sight of that expression. From the outside, they must have looked like naughty school girls close to being caught cheating on their tests.

“Alright, have fun!” Her mother’s footsteps were receding before the reply could be heard but Abby wasn’t too bothered. Instead she got back into bed next to Carol. They rested and spoke about small things, each enjoying the other’s company. They smiled, laughed, the night before leaving a good taste in their mouths. Eventually Carol told her she had to go back to Rindy and Harge. Abby knew the time would come, but it didn’t stop the small vine of disappointment weaving throughout her body. Carol had slipped into her undergarments when she sat on the bed.

“Last night was…beyond any dream I could have ever conjured alone. I really enjoyed myself,” She placed her hand over Abby’s, giving it a light squeeze. Abby knew she was supposed to say something here but for some reason she couldn’t think of anything. If she were a man she’d ask Carol if she wanted to go on another date, or at least see her again. But she wasn’t a man. So she talked about what all men thought women talked about, her feelings.

“I enjoyed myself too. I must admit though, I didn’t think you were this way inclined…” Her voice faded out.

“Neither did I. But things make much more sense than they did yesterday.” She smiled at Abby as she put her skirt on before picking up her blouse. Abby wasn’t sure what to say again. She wanted more from Carol, that much she knew, but how to ask a woman who isn’t usually interested in women had stumped Abby. When Carol was finally dressed she began picking up her belongings, in her bag she found her own set of cigarettes and lit one. Abby thought that she had around five more minutes to ask more of Carol. She didn’t want to ask her in the store, that would make things awkward, possibly unsettle their relationship. But if Carol declined here at least she wouldn’t have to be in this room with her again, with the memories.

“Can we do this again?” Abby was shocked. She was almost certain Carol wouldn’t want to repeat the experience, yet it was her voice that filled the room. Her husky, lustful voice that Abby would run to if it called her name. Abby stood and walked over to where Carol stood. The blonde dropped her bag and held her cigarette to the side slightly as Abby snaked her hands around Carol’s waste. They were so close Abby could smell the smoke on Carol’s breath. She kissed her.

“Yes. We can do this again.”


	6. It Changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, just a reminder that the characters are a mixture of the novel and the film. I will probably go back an edit this a little more in the future but nothing about the narrative will change, just extra description etc.

_August 1949,_

Abby’s tongue lapped against Carol where she needed her the most. Her crescendo finally reaching the end of it’s note, sending Carol over the edge for the third time that day. Abby cleaned what was left of Carol’s orgasm with her tongue before crawling up to lie on her side next to her, a smirk appearing at the corners of her mouth. Carol opened her eyes, the focal point quickly flicking to Abby. She laughed. Abby raised an eyebrow, the smirk growing into a grin as Carol’s breathing laboured into smaller giggles. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears of happiness.

“What?” Carol was still giggling. She reigned it in before looking at Abby, waiting for some form of mischievous remark.

“You’re radiant in this light.” Carol felt her jaw drop slightly before beaming up at her friend. Carol took her into her arms and kissed her slowly. Their lips moved against each other in languid movements, each enjoying the texture of the other’s mouth. Carol was at peace. She couldn’t think of anyone she would rather be sharing this moment with. A drop of sweat ran down Carol’s forehead, breaking her concentration along with her thoughts.

She grabbed the brunette’s hair and gently pulled her head back whilst peppering kisses down her neck. Abby giggled slightly, the vibrations from her voice sending shivers down Carol’s spine as her lips pressed against the skin around her vocal chords. She lay back then and blew out a slow deep breath, “Gosh I can hardly stand the summer.” She looked over at Abby who seemed to be dazed. Carol had learnt over the months to allow Abby room when she was flitting into memories, mostly because they tended to be bad ones and Carol didn’t want to intrude on the most important events in Abby’s life. Instead she decided to wipe away the sweat on her forehead as she closed her eyes. Carol had learnt a great deal over the past few months, regarding herself and the way she felt about other people. In reality she had never truly acknowledged how she had felt for people. It made sense now that she was thinking more. Before Abby, Carol was walking around in a bubble of unknown. She had realised why she enjoyed looking at both men and women on the street or in magazines. Admittedly, she enjoyed more women than men, but that was besides the point. She had begun taking note of the way certain women held themselves, how they dressed, how they wore their hair and makeup, amongst a variation of other attributes she could admire from a first impression basis. Her feelings would sometimes come into play, depending on if these women were the sort that made her heart flutter rapidly. There was also an erotic ecstasy injected into her veins at the thought of doing something so scandalous with other women. The men were few and far between but some of them elicited the same response. Carol had thought a few months ago that she was incapable of loving men because she had never admired a man or fallen in love with Harge. This wasn’t the case. She had simply been ignoring what her heart desired, it didn’t desire Harge, and she had never seen a man she was attracted to.

Abby lay on top of Carol, the pressure on her chest drawing her mind from the daydream she had found herself in. They were in Abby’s bedroom in her home. Strangely enough Abby kept the room quite simple. Dark wooden floorboards, a mahogany chest of drawers next to a matching wardrobe, a lighter shade wooden table with a simple chair tucked away underneath. Apart from that there was only the window with green curtains hanging either side and the painting of Ruth on the wall, which was brought home from the first time the women had shared a bed. Carol looked over at it. She thought that this sort of action was meant to amount jealousy, but Carol felt nothing of the sort. She had concluded that Ruth was always going to be a massively important part of her life regardless of who shared her bed, plus Ruth was locked away or dead. She had also come to terms with the fact that her feelings for Abby were weak. She had acknowledged that she liked Abby, she liked her a lot, and she is enjoying spending time together and having sex with her…but she didn’t think she loved her. Thankfully, something about the way Abby would look at her told Carol that her lack of feelings was not only one-sided. One day she knew they would have to speak of it aloud, but now both women appeared content with the peaceful sway of their secret illegal affair.

“Abby darling,” Carol ran her fingers through Abby’s hair. She grunted groggily, eliciting a warm grin from Carol. “I have to go. Harge is expecting me.” Abby groaned her protest louder and pulled Carol close. The blonde laughed. _Oh Abby…_

They lay in bed together for another ten minutes before Carol prized herself away from Abby’s death grip. She had fallen asleep presumably knowing her night would be full of parties and meetings. Abby’s life was always full of parties, they were just more time consuming now she had to meet with people who could help their business grow. Carol went to some of them with her, but parties tended to make her anxious. She proffered small groups of people or only meeting one person at a time. Tonight Abby would be meeting with a rich man who was invested in interior design, he and Abby would get along superbly. Carol pulled on her green trousers and fastened them. Trousers were only just coming into fashion for women. Abby had assured her they would be the craze for all women one day and they should get a head start to impress customers and business partners. Carol shrugged at her reflection in the window. She could just see the top half of her body with the waistband of the trousers. She looked…unique.

Turning round and seeing Abby sleeping so soundly made Carol wish she didn’t have to go. Climbing back into bed with her friend, cuddling each other to sleep, skipping the parties and curfews in rebellious fashion – it felt like a dream bound to never be a reality. Alas, she had to go home to Harge and more importantly Rindy. She was growing up so fast, Carol feared she was missing so much. She was almost walking without support now, had even tried running a little more. Carol smiled as she always did at the thought of her little girl, she was still smiling when she kissed Abby’s temple. “Rest well, sleepyhead,” Carol left.

In the car Carol’s mind drifted back to the way she had begun perceiving the world. Before her new outlook, she had never been interested in fighting for rights of any sorts, never mind the ones promoting love across all genders. Granted, there weren’t many petitions, people chained the railings or street chants about homosexual rights in New York, only the odd thing here or there. But now she felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility to fight for this, and feminism because every woman should have the right to live a life she wants to. Carol wished she would have been able to choose her won path before Harge, her life would be very different. Then she shook the wish away with guilt, without Harge there is no Rindy and Rindy is her life, her priority before anyone or anything else. Rindy is even more reason to fight for these rights, one day her little girl will be a grown woman finding her own way in the world. She’ll need every battle won for her as possible. The only problem was her name. ‘Aird’ is well known in New York, her presence at any rivalling event against the government would prove a massive contribution to these groups. It would also spread like wildfire and soon Harge’s reputation would be damaged, along with their relationship. _Who am I kidding? That’s ruined already._

The evening sun was hot despite the lack of roof on her car or the breeze lightly flowing around her. Carol really did hate the summer. She didn’t like the heat and had always proffered cold air, she hated when she couldn’t stop the sweat or the odour released from sweat dripping down her body and Rindy had burned herself a little on her nose and shoulders. Carol whole-heartedly blamed Florence for this. Rindy came to the shop with Carol for three of the week, the other three Carol and Abby worked without interruption. On those days Rindy would stay with Florence until either Harge or herself came home. At some point in late July on a particularly hot day, Florence had decided it might be nice for Rindy to get some fresh air and she took her to the beach. Originally, she had applied protective cream on the little girl, but then Rindy had gone and played in the sea for a while, effectively washing most of the cream away. When she had come out she decided to make a sandcastle, Florence joined her but for some reason didn’t think to apply more cream. By the time she had remembered there were red marks covering the top half of Rindy’s body. Carol had scowled when she had seen Florence after Rindy showed her why she couldn’t put any clothes on. They had argued and said some spiteful things but Florence had thrown a curveball that Carol was neither expecting nor fully understood. ‘You had better start being a mother to that girl before God notices the sin in this house and takes her away!’ Carol had been stunned. She wasn’t sure whether it was a threat. The following day before Carol had left to meet Abby, Florence approached her to apologise. She said the damage was already done in several places…but only one of those was her fault.

_The damage was done in several places… What the hell does that mean?_

Carol parked outside of her home, a frown still scribbled into her forehead as she once again tried to detangle the riddle Florence had thrown at her. Her heels clicked against the stone ground, she ran her fingers through the left side of her hair then found a cigarette in her bag.

Once inside, Carol was halfway through her cigarette. She had stayed standing in front of the door for a few moments, gathering her thoughts so she could face Florence. Yes, she had apologised but were things amicable between them? No. It was Friday and Harge wouldn’t be home until later in the evening, his own work parties taking over his private life. Carol liked it that way though, it gave her more time with her daughter. The surprise was evident when she heard a male voice echoing into the foyer. It was soft and low, calming even. It was different to what Carol had become accustomed to. Lately she would return to silence or on the off occasion – shouting. The Harge she could hear now was the Harge she met years ago. The Harge she was supposed to fall in love with. In a way she had, but not the way that was expected of her.

She shrugged off her blazer, hanging it over the banister so she would remember to put it away later, and strolled into the living room. It wasn’t very often moments like these happened but when they did, Carol allowed Harge the time he deserved, and she became an observer. Harge was in his favourite arm chair with Rindy on his lap, a book in his hands that Rindy could see. She was snuggled close to him, her eyes following the print on the paper where Harge was pointing to. She couldn’t read yet, but words were becoming more important as the days went by and the little girl had always been very inquisitive, so she would probably learn very quickly. Carol hadn’t realised she was smiling, but it was refreshing when she caught herself in the act. There was an ash tray on the table to the right of her. She slipped out of her heels and snuck over to the table to put the light out before creeping up behind Harge’s chair. The brylcreem holding his hair in place had a scent like no other which Carol had forgotten. She listened to him read for a moment longer before lightly placing a hand on his shoulder. He lifted it to signify he registered her presence but didn’t turn around to meet her. She assumed he didn’t want to disturb Rindy. Carol thought it best to allow him to read the rest of the book to his daughter before she made her own greetings, so she slipped out to the kitchen to start dinner.

Fifteen minutes later Harge was stood in the doorway, a cigar pressed between his lips. His hands were in his trouser pockets as he watched his wife work. Carol turned to face him. She knew he was there but unless he had brought Rindy along she wasn’t interested in any form of conversation. She gave him a weak smile then went to the fridge to find meat. His eyes lingered on her as she went about cooking. The pressure she would have felt in the past was only an itch deep down that she couldn’t really be bothered to itch. It was barely there anymore. When she turned back to the doorway he was gone. Harge would do that at times, especially in the last few weeks. He would just stare at her whilst she did normal household chores. It used to unnerve her; Harge was a talker, or a groveler whichever one seemed more masculine. He always wanted to talk about what was wrong and how they could fix it. Usually that would end up in arguments but at least he tried… She assumed that he had become bored with arguing. Carol was the opposite of Harge, she would rather deal with everything alone, keeping all arguments inside her head. She was constantly at war with herself. The problem was, she didn’t know how to stop it.

After dinner Carol put Rindy to sleep then came back down to the kitchen to wash away anything that needed it. She wanted to hurry it along, she needed to be up early the following morning to meet Abby and discuss this week’s shipments. She glanced over at the clock, 9:45pm. Surely Abby had met with the potential buyer by now. Abby would sometimes call after or during a party if she had good news but not always. They tended to share short calls in the morning or evening when neither of them was going out anywhere, but with the shop up and running and the women seeing each other six times a week they had found less use for the phone. Carol thought she would just have to wait until tomorrow to know whether it was good or bad news. She put the last of the dishes out on the rack to dry then dried her hands with the towel. When she turned around Harge was stood behind her. She jumped and closed her eyes, putting a hand to her chest as if it would slow her now rapidly beating heart.

She took a deep breath in and let it out before opening her eyes with a smile. “Goodnight, Harge.” She went to move past him, but he caught her arm, pulling her back in front of him. Her brows knitted together in confusion. She and Harge had verbally argued but neither had put their hands on the other…not until tonight.

“Florence spoke to me.” Carol raised her eyebrow. Florence was the one who allowed Rindy to burn, he should be furious with her! It was ridiculous that he was still stewing over this anyway, Rindy’s burns had long healed and she had been out in the sun a few more times since then, even if it was only for an hour or so. “She said that one night in mid-June, whilst I was out on a business trip in California, she had left something here and came back for it in the evening. She said she knocked the door, but no one answered so she let herself in. She then found it extremely odd to hear noises coming from upstairs, not the kind of noises you hear when a mother plays dolly with her child.”

“Oh?” Carol knew she had been taking a risk when she let Abby come over during that week, but she thought with Rindy asleep and no one else in the house, they would be able to have fun peacefully. Florence had always been nosey, she was nice with it but it still infuriated Carol. Now she was burning with rage, the fire would surely spit at Florence the next time she saw her. For now, all Carol could do was play dumb.

“You were…” He lowered his voice so not to wake the sleeping child upstairs. “You were with her, Carol. You were making those noises for her. Do you know how wrong that is? How filthy, how disgusting?” Carol’s eyes dropped to the floor. She didn’t see herself or her shenanigans with Abby as any of those things, but she knew most of America thought that way. Capitalist society made it so.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about Harge. Abby is good friend, we were—”

“Oh she’s a good friend alright. The kind that deserves to be locked in a hole somewhere to rot and leave women like my wife alone!” He was whisper shouting. It used to amuse Carol but now all she could feel was panic.

“Abby. Is a good friend. She has done nothing wrong. Perhaps Florence should stop making up stories and get her head out of your arse!” Harge was shocked. They stood staring at each other for a moment before he stepped a little closer to Carol. He looked her in the eye then bent his head into the crook of her neck. He sniffed it slowly, Carol felt herself tense more the longer it went on. Her hands gripped the edge of the kitchen counter, she needed some support if she was going to get through this. Harge put his hand in a place Carol didn’t want it to be. She considered whether she should stop him, it didn’t feel good what he was doing. It had never felt good. But she had never said no before and saying no now would just prove Florence was right all along. She felt him forcing his way into her, tears she would not allow to fall bubbled at her eyes. The problem is, Carol is a new person now and she can’t let things happen to her that she doesn’t want. Not anymore. Just as she was about to tell him to stop he pulled his hand away and stepped back.

“You’re not even wet for me.” Carol’s mouth formed an ‘O’. She closed it quickly then crossed her left leg over her right one. “You’re a sick woman Carol. We’re going to have to talk about you getting some help.” He began to walk away but a thought struck him, and he turned back to her. “I don’t want you to see Abby anymore and I don’t want you working at that shop. I certainly don’t want Rindy involved in any of this.”

“I don’t care,” Harge stared at her. He was about to say something, but she held a hand up to stop him. “If need be Rindy can stay here all the time, but Abby is my friend. I won’t let her down and the furniture store had stopped me from going insane. I will not walk away from them.” He chuckled, it was menacing but Carol stood her ground. He was still chuckling when he walked away, the glass of scotch Carol hadn’t noticed he had loosely held in his hand.

When she heard his footsteps reach the floor above her she let out the breath she’d been holding. Her hands relaxed from the counter and she let her back slide against the cupboard to the floor, pulling her knees close to her face and burying her head in them. Her heart was racing, she tried to take slow breaths to calm it but her attempts weren’t working. _He could take everything._ Then Carol remembered what ‘everything’ amounted to. _He could take Rindy_. Carol couldn’t hold herself back anymore. She couldn’t stay in the house it wouldn’t do her any good so she grabbed her keys and slipped on her heels.

Carol walked up the stairs of ‘The Blue Brothers’ where the informal party Abby was attending was taking place. She pushed open the front door, finding the place quite lively. It was only 10:30, why shouldn’t it be? Her heart beat faster at the sight of it. With shaking hands, she took out another cigarette and lit it. The smoke filled all of her senses, calming her anxiety. Her eyes gazed across the room, filtering out anything that wasn’t important. Despite her searching the room was full and she couldn’t see Abby anywhere. She would have to try and get through the crowds. Her cigarette hit the ash tray and she went about pushing through the copious amount of people. In the middle of the bar a man was stumbling around, drinking like a fish. Carol could smell the scotch on his breath as he stumbled on top of her, she cringed and closed her eyes tightly. He smelled like Harge. That was the last thing she needed right now.

“I’m sorry ma’am, he gets like this sometimes,” a young man with slicked back blonde hair and glasses was looking at her sympathetically. The drunk man was behind him harassing a pretty brunette.

“Oh that’s quite alright. I think you have more babysitting to do though…” She faked a smile at him and nodded in the man’s direction before looking ahead of her. Still no Abby. Carol was wringing her hands together now, nervousness returning with a vehemence. A hand wrapped around her upper arm and she was pulled to the left. Brown hair whipped out of sight but the hand was now wrapped around her wrist. She couldn’t see who was dragging her or where. There should be a fucking limit on how many people can be in a bar at one time. Before Carol knew it, she was in the ladies' rest room, a dishevelled Abby standing in front of her.

“Oh thank god!” Carol laughed at her stupid behaviour and went to the sink, quickly running the cold water.

“Carol what are you doing here?” Abby put a hand on her shoulder.

“I came to find you. Harge…” She looked up into the mirror, so she could see Abby, “He knows about us. Florence told him…oh and now that makes sense…”

“What makes sense?”

“In July, when Florence and I argued…she said something about ‘the damage being done in several places’. That’s when she told Harge…and that’s why Harge has been so odd lately…” Abby seemed taken aback, then her features changed in to outrage. She started pacing the length of the rest room.

“I thought she was actually a nice person?” She phrased it as a question, but Carol knew she wasn’t looking for an answer. “What did he say?” Not rhetorical.

“He said he wanted me to stop seeing you. I told him no but I don’t know what the repercussions of that will be…’ She left it hanging, knowing Abby was working everything out for herself. “I won’t leave you, not ever Abby. But I can’t lose Rindy… Besides… Everything feels different from when we started. Its—”

“Changed. Yeah, I know,” She gave a small but sympathetic smile to Carol.

An epiphany of time seemed to pass. Both women staring at each other, a comfortable distance apart where neither could reach out to the other and surprisingly make contact. Carol tried to read Abby, tried to read her feelings. It was always difficult with Abby as she kept a lot on the inside. If she was angry there would be raised voices, cross looks, maybe a broken ornament…but Abby wasn’t angry. She was something else altogether. Carol couldn’t stand the silence any longer, she knew they weren’t in love, but they had made a connection that would change their lives forever. Both were probably as worried as each other about their future.

“What will you do with the furniture shop? I doubt I’ll be able to continue working there much longer.”

“Oh, I’ll figure something out don’t you worry.”

The silence re-routed, and the women were again found staring at each other. Abby took a step closer, taking Carol’s hand into her own. The blonde looked into her eyes, brown portals leading to a far away land where this behaviour was deemed fit, healthy. Water welled up in Carol’s eyes threatening to fall at any given moment. Abby hated it when Carol cried, Carol barely ever cried. Rather than chastising her this time, Abby pulled her into a tight hug. Carol buried her nose in Abby’s hair, knowing it would be the last time she would see her friend for a while. Abby let go and held Carol in front of her.

“It changes Carol. Sometimes that’s how it is. You’ll always be my closest friend.” She leant in closer to whisper, “But don’t let Harge stop you from doing the things you need and want.” Then she turned and left. Carol stood and watched the door close shut. She wiped the tears from her eyes and looked in the mirror. _Carol Aird. Follow your own path._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please stay with me guys. I'm not sure whether Abby and Carol will reconnect from here, but the next few chapters will shape Carol into the one we know and love.


	7. White Coats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, please read this it's important. This is the hardest chapter I have ever had to write emotionally, and if you follow my other work on Once, you'll know I've written some pretty nasty stuff. Just be aware that this will probably be a difficult read.  
> Trigger Warnings  
> Panic/Anxiety attack, mentions of rape, neglect. I'm not sure how to put this so 'medical treatments used on patients with mental health difficulties in the 1940s' and 'conditions of asylums during this time.'

_October 1949,_

Abby felt a strong conflict in her heart. Carol told her she should do this and Abby knew it was time but…Abby didn’t want to. She wanted to go to the phone box, call Carol and talk herself out of doing this – only so she didn’t look crazy just talking to herself in the street, on a bench. But it was Carol’s birthday and she wasn’t going to call to say anything other than her well wishes. Abby had been surprised that Carol chose to stay in touch after their awkward bathroom encounter, they had yet to talk about it, but she was more than pleased that her close friend had grown into her best friend. Now more than ever Abby thought she needed her best friend at her side. Abby found herself difficult to explain, she was the girl that everyone knew, everyone enjoyed spending time with or talking to and there was no party without Abby Gerhard. But these people were just people she knew. The more she thought she had friends, the more she realized only a few were true to her. Carol was the most important because she knew the biggest thing about Abby and they could talk about it if she wanted. It wasn’t so much she tried to keep her sexuality from everyone, it’s more that she surrounds herself with different people for different occasions. The party members for business partners at her thriving furniture store would be located in the more populated or wealthier parts of New York. Since Carol left, Abby had employed other workers and gotten herself out of the picture, she owned the store and took care of whatever else someone else couldn’t do but she wasn’t interested in doing anything for it anymore. She would think about selling sometime.

Abby knew she was procrastinating. _Just get up. Don’t be such a stupe. Walk forwards_. Her heartbeat drummed annoyingly in her ears, reminding her of the task at hand. She drew in a long a breath then let it out in small shaky pants. She grabbed her handbag and rifled through it, trying to find the box of cigarettes she knew would calm her nerves. _Fuck_. Her breathing became ragged as the seconds ticked by and her thoughts continued to whirl. Though her hand knocked against various objects, the one she wanted most seemed to have been misplaced. Unable to stall any longer, and worried that she would never be able to calm down, she got up and stumbled toward the pay phone. There was a seat which Abby sank into gratefully. She had told herself she wouldn’t call Carol, not today, but the attack was getting worse by the minute and Abby felt as though she would faint at any moment. She listened as the coins hit the inside of the box. Each ring of the phone was another second for Abby to come close to collapsing.

Finally, after six or so rings, a voice spoke to her. “This is the Aird family, may I help you?” Abby noted the dry, depressed tone of Carol’s voice and would ask her about it as soon as she calmed down.

“C-Carol…I…” The breathing was light, shallow but quick. Abby heard Carol’s breath hitch in worry.

“Abby stay where you are, I’m coming to you.”

“No…please…” but Carol had gone. Abby put the phone back on the receiver. Guilty tears welled in her eyes, she bent over so her elbows leaned on her knees, her hands tightly gripping her hair. All she had to do was wait. A second went by, then another. Her heartbeat became increasingly irate while her head span. She tried to keep her breathing slow, it wasn’t helping but it was probably helping more than breathing quickly. Intrusive thoughts pierced the protective wall she had built around her mind. _Carol won’t come for you. No one will come for you. You deserve to be alone, to deal with this alone. This is what happens when you sin, you get sick. You are SICK!_ Lines of tears coated the skin covering Abby’s cheekbones. The cruel but somehow true words were spoken in the priest’s voice in her head. He had said most of those things to her when she was a child. _You don’t want to be sick do you, Abby? You’re going to be a good girl and follow the path God set out for you, aren’t you? You’re not going to hell are you Abby?_ Her voice came as a shock to her. The sob louder than she would ever admit. It was gone as quickly as it had arrived. Abby couldn’t use her voice for long amongst all the other things going on at the same time.

A loud knock on the other side of the door startled her and she heard a man’s voice call through, “Hurry up lady! I got places to get to!” Abby couldn’t answer him and it made her panic increase. She was barely breathing now, she could see the darkness closing in around her eyes. She couldn’t afford to do this, not here. If this happened here, they would know when she came back. She would never be able to get away with her plan if she ever managed to start it in the first place. Another knock, louder, more impatient. Abby could feel herself going numb. _Please. Just give me…_ Her thoughts were halted as she heard a familiar voice talking to the impatient man. They were arguing, Abby couldn’t make out the words. She closed her eyes for a moment, sweat dripped down her forehead. A light peered into her dark world.

She felt her body being held and fingers running through her hair. A kiss on the top of her head. It was calming, and it was what Abby needed to stop the darkness. All of the other symptoms were loud and clear, but the darkness had faded and she could hear Carol’s voice clearly now. Carol was knelt in front of Abby, her blonde hair framing her red lips and blue eyes. She was an angel. She would always be an angel. “Now you listen to me, Abby Gerhard. You are here for a reason. This reason means a lot to you and you need to do this. You can’t let your mind, your body or anything else to get in the way. I love you Abby, and so does she. So we’re going to get up and start this plan together. Do you understand?” Abby nodded her understanding as well as her agreement. The attack seemed to have subsided and she felt much calmer now the blonde’s arms were wrapped around her. Together, they got up and out of the phone box.

The man who was outside before seemed to have disappeared, much to Abby’s delight. The more they walked, the more Abby found her feet and starting walking without aid. Thankfully there weren’t many doctors or nurses around to witness her mind-blowing panic attack, she might be safe yet. That was a stupid thought to have, she would never be safe doing this. It was risky and if she were to get caught she could be committed to a life she would never choose to lead. But that was part of the job. Like Abby, so many men and women would never choose this life for themselves. Ruth didn’t choose this life for herself. If there was any hope of Abby saving her, though she knew there was little, then Abby would do whatever it took to get her out of New York’s most highly guarded lunatic asylum. A recent study revealed to the public that the mental health system was worse than anyone had ever imagined. The evidence was detrimental, Abby had read about it in early September. She had read words such as ‘neglect’, ‘abuse’, ‘mistreatment’, ‘poor hygiene conditions’. She didn’t cry on this occasion. Instead, she found herself bent over the toilet, vomiting the contents of her stomach then continuing to retch further afterward. Once the notion had finally subsided, Abby first questioned how to keep her emotions in control. She was becoming too predictable with her reactions to things and she hated that she was crying more than smiling. That would change. Though she knew the panic attacks would probably remain. Secondly, she came up with a plan.

The following morning she called the private investigator that had been of help to her so often in the past, she may as well call him her friend. He was her eyes and ears in New York and secretly, if it came to Abby’s attention, she would hire him to ‘punish’ a criminal if he deserved it and in any way that he deserved it. But that was a story for another time. He had come and gone, gone to the asylum where Ruth was being held. He had seen her. He had snuck in before, he could do it again. He just needed a refresher of how to do it. When he came back, they made a plan to get Abby inside. He had questioned whether it was safe for her to go alone but there was no doubt. Whether it was safe or not, it was deemed not in the end, Abby had to see Ruth for herself and she knew getting them both inside the prison - may as well name it for what it is - would be incredibly difficult.

Carol and Abby had gotten to the back of the building where a nurse was smoking a cigarette. She didn’t see them, her back was facing them. Abby knew when she saw her that if the attack had gone on for much longer, it would have been too late to carry out the plan. Carol slipped out of her heels, which had been muted by the grass until now, and walked barefoot with Abby to stand behind a part of the building that stood out, hiding them both from the nurse’s sight if she were to turn around. Quietly, Abby rummaged through her bag to find the syringe filled with a sedative that would knock the nurse unconscious. Abby and Carol had talked over the plan, Carol had made sure the nurse would be healthy when she woke. Abby had told her she would be fine, but from what she had heard about the way staff treated patients in this place, she couldn’t really care less. The two women looked each other in the eye. Carol nodded, squeezing Abby’s hand tightly before Abby turned the corner to check there was no one else there to catch her out. Swiftly, she tiptoed towards the woman and dug the syringe into her neck. The vein was pierced and the drug flowed into her bloodstream. The woman blinked a few times before closing them. She didn’t see Abby or Carol.

The problem with these institutions is nobody wants to continue working there for long. The interior was unsettling, upsetting, terrifying and an array of other despicable words that one could possibly imagine to describe a place where no one would want to be. This nurse was the newest head of the department in Ruth’s sector of the building, all of the other nurses had barely been working there a month. Abby could pass as a new nurse easily. She picked up the keys to unlock the doors, finding that they were all labeled appropriately. Someone had pulled some strings higher up in the asylum or outside of its influence and Ruth had been moved to the ward of the criminally insane. She wasn’t admitted to stay in this ward, nor did would she ever do anything to land herself there but it didn’t matter. Once you were in a place like this they did whatever they wanted and no one could do a thing about it. Abby turned back to find Carol standing behind her. She nodded at Abby and together they moved the woman into a nearby shed, filled with gardening tools to upkeep the various patches of grass scattered on the grounds. Abby took a quick a look around before closing the door behind them, leaving a puzzled Carol staring at her. Abby went up to Carol, took her face into her hands and kissed her deeply. Carol returned the kiss. It was a thank you kiss as much it was a kiss of lost love.

When Abby broke away she leaned her forehead against her friend’s, Carol’s finger stroked her cheek. “Carol, you sounded…dejected on the phone. Is everything alright?”

“Darling,” she whispered affectionately, “You must learn not to worry about me. I’m fine. Now go and save your love.” They took a step away from each other and Abby smiled at Carol. They knew they would see each other soon, or at least they hoped.

Abby undressed the nurse and got into her uniform. It was slightly loose, but overall fitting relatively well. There was a cloth belt to tighten it anyway so it could look as though it was made for her. Carol began dressing the nurse in one of the loose dresses she didn’t want anymore. Abby looked her one last time before creeping out of the shed and into the building she may never leave.

At first, it wasn’t as bad as Abby had predicted. Everything was painted white, it was clean. It also looked like it would be easy for a sane person to enter, and leave a week later as barmy as some of the people who really did need help. She was holding her breath that the rest of the asylum would be like this but knew it probably wouldn’t be. She turned a corner every now and again, all leading to more long white corridors. She had the map her P.I. gave her in the pocket of the skirt, though she had almost forgotten it before leaving the shed. The paper was torn in parts and crinkled from being scrunched up into her bag then the pocket, but it was legible and she knew one more left turn would take her to the desk leading to the first ward she would need to pass through. She leaned against a wall and took a deep breath. This wasn’t going to be easy. With great determination, Abby forced the muscles in her legs to make her feet carry the rest of her to the desk. She handed in the small card that would clock the nurse in for the remainder of her shift, then opened the door to block A, the male infirmary.

If Abby were ever asked to describe the moment she stepped into that room, in would be chilling. She didn’t need any other words. There were several exceedingly dejected men sat around either on the rotting wooden benches, with brown or black paint peeling off them, or they were sat on the concrete floor. Some of them were surrounded in their own feces. The smell was horrific, Abby understood why the nurse carried a plastic mask around but she refused to use it. She would only be here once and if she couldn’t save Ruth, she's making damn sure the rest of the world experienced exactly what she was experiencing now through whatever newspapers would print her story. Her low heels clicked against the floor and some of the men looked up at her, fear in their eyes. One man had his bent legs drawn up to his chest. Abby thought it was for comfort since no one was looking at the tears on his shirt, nor were they listening to his pleas for his hands to be released behind his back. Abby wished she could help, her own tears forming. Another man looked at her with such anger in his eyes that she wished he was restrained. She knew he wouldn’t do anything, he would probably be severely hurt or killed if he did. But it didn’t stop her from noticing the way his fists clenched as she walked by. A man in the left-hand corner was hitting his head lightly against the wall. There was a small circle of blood where his head made contact. As she squinted into the darkened area, she saw several circles of blood.

Then the next door was in front of her. She would leave these men behind, but she would not forget and she would do her absolute best to expose the staff here for who they really were. The next room was quite small, she had walked down several corridors to get there. Outside were two female nurses and a male doctor, why she was specifying their gender she was unsure. Of course, the nurses were women and the doctors male, women weren’t capable of such advancements in medicine. She rolled her eyes at her own statement. As she approached they all smiled warmly at her. She smiled back, to them it was warm but anyone who knew her would know there was nothing but ice beneath that smile.

“Doctor, ladies,” She nodded her head at them in greeting.

“It’s been a hard day I’m tellin' you.” The nurse with the long auburn hair announced to the group. “Patient 103. I had to bathe him today and you know how he is, always reachin’ for things he shouldn’t be.” She grinned and Abby held back her anger at the woman’s clear glee in being able to spread the gossip about a vulnerable patient. “So I had to tie his hands behind his back as usual…” The doctor walked past Abby, down to a different ward. “Come on in closer!” Abby did as she was told. The nurse spoke in hushed tones, the other woman was smiling eagerly, “I got him back to his bed, he was askin’ for it like crazy. You know how Pete is these days, never wantin’ to be near me anymore. So I thought why not, no one’s ever gonna know right?” Abby thought she was going to throw up. She smiled anyway, needing to hear the remainder of the story. The other nurse, seeming to know what was coming up, leaned in to hear with a sly grin spreading on her face. “I pulled his trousers down, he looked so shocked and then he started shakin’ his head. He says ‘I don’ want it no more ma’am.’ I started sucking, got him standin’ up, then I jumped on and did what I needed to do. He was crying at the end of it. I can’t stand it when men cry. Fucking idiots. I slapped him hard, he cried louder. I was laughing but I gotta shut him up so…” Abby had heard enough.

She opened the door to block L, housing the female inmates. They were patients but inmates got better treatment than this. She was stuck in a ward labeled ‘Female Hysteria’. Abby was trying hard to remove the images the nurse had created in her mind. She thought there was no possible way anything could be worse than that, disgust coursed through her body as she thought about the abuse that hadn’t been printed for the public to read. The door opened up to a corridor with several closed doors on each side. It was fairly clean, there wasn’t a particular smell that caught her attention. No, with this ward it was the sounds that would haunt her nightmares. A woman was wailing in one room, she was clearly distressed. Abby looked into the small window of the room the noise was coming from. The woman was completely alone, hunched over onto her knees on the bed, rocking back and forth. Her dark hair was straggly, untamed and used a curtain to cover her face. Abby saw small droplets of blood on the floor but decided not to question where it had come from. Another woman was sitting on her bed having a conversation with no one. Abby thought that she would probably have conversations with the walls too if the humans were as ignorant as these seem to be. She was nearing the end of the corridor, she was standing in front of the door that would lead her to the most horrific part of the hospital, the one she would need to pass through quickly so not to become crazy herself. But a shiver ran up her spine and she knew there was someone watching her. There was always someone watching.

She slowly turned her head to the right, drew in a sharp quick breath and back up to the door adjacent to the one she was staring at. The door vibrated as the patient on the other side kicked it and startled Abby. The woman was screeching then laughing hysterically. Abby didn’t turn around to see her. In the room she was staring into, a woman with a shaved head and a long stitched scar down one side were staring directly into her eyes. There was no expression. No smiling, no crying, no laughing, no fear or want to scare Abby. She was emotionless. That was probably the most terrifying thing she would see. This woman was no longer a person, they had changed her into an object, a number, probably a plaything for the closeted lesbian staff or male staff roaming the wards. Abby, having blocked out the other noises in the corridor, slowly walked to the door the woman was in. She pressed her hand against the glass, then moved her face in closer. Abby remembered that some of the women in here were probably committed because they proffered the company of other women, Ruth was moved to harsher ward because Abby’s parents had probably made it happen. The woman, still expressionless, pressed her forehead against the door where Abby’s hand was and closed her eyes. Abby wished she could hold her, save her. She wished she could get all of the patients out of the horrific confinement they had found themselves in, then lock the staff inside and listen to their screams and cries as she burned them all with the destruction of the building. But for now, that was only a dream. The woman then lifted her head and looked at Abby once more before turning to her bed and getting under the thin blanket provided for her. Abby swiped a tear from her cheek.

She opened the door to the treatment rooms, taking one last look at the woman she knew she would probably never save. Abby didn’t want to know what happened in these rooms, she walked quickly down each corridor, past each room, ignoring the sounds of electrotherapy, screams, doctors laughing quietly between themselves as they drank their coffee on their breaks… A man in a wheelchair being pushed by a nurse passed her, he looked dead behind the eyes, his arms and legs twitching every so often. _Nearly there. Nearly there_. She turned left into yet another long corridor. She was almost running but caught herself beforehand and reminded herself of who she was supposed to be. Her body stilled to regain control of her mind. She wished it hadn’t. Abby realized she had been blocking out everything from the female hysteria ward up to now. She was almost at the end. But this was something was she needed to investigate. Something she needed to tell the world about. The room to her left was slightly ajar, someone had obviously been in a rush to do whatever was being done. She could hear the low tones of the doctors speaking, then one of them starting talking louder. Abby leaned against the wall casually in case anyone walked past, so she could hear and could see a small amount through the gap in the door. She lit a cigarette.

“You’re wasting your energy, Anne,” Abby changed her position slightly to see more of the room, the smoke filling her lungs as she did so. The room was white, tiled and there were drains on the floor. Abby thought it could maybe be a wash area but she couldn’t be sure. A woman, with her hands tied to hooks on the left and right of her, was thrashing about wildly. She had shoulder length hair that was spattered across parts of her face like she had just come out of the shower. Abby could just about see the distraught expression on her face. Anyone could understand why. The woman was tied up naked, she tried to cross her legs to keep some dignity but her skin was wet so the grip wasn’t forming and her toes were only just on the floor. The doctors, mostly men, were watching her. Viewing her like a fucking animal, she the prey that they would take all advantage of her while they were there. Abby shifted her weight to see the doctors. As she had guessed, at least one of them had a bulge in their trousers. Another had a water hose in his hand, and suddenly it all made sense. The lead doctor gave a countdown from three, Abby used it to turn back to the patient. Gushes of water hit her face, her body. Surely she can’t breathe under that? The monster made sure he hit the spots that would cause her the most discomfort and pain, including her breasts. Abby didn't need to see the man to know he was grinning. When the water finally stopped the woman’s skin was red from the harsh spray, her body limp. Then the men took her down from the wall and put her on a nearby gurney.

“Take her back to her room. We have what we need.” The doctors came to the door and Abby closed her eyes as she drew in another breath of smoke. “Oh. You shouldn’t be here.”

Abby laughed nervously, “Oh, I’m sorry Doctor, it’s just so hard working in that ward,” she inclined her head to the door at the end of the corridor, “I can hardly bear it sometimes. The women, they’re just…” She allowed her true emotions to take over and dropped her head.

“Hey, it’s ok. Sometimes they can get a bit too much. It can all get a little too much around here sometimes…” Abby wondered whether he was being genuine. “You’ll be fine. Take a couple of minutes then go back in,” He smiled kindly at her and she wondered whether she had found someone who really was trying to help these people. He turned, began strolling away, before he left he called over his shoulder, “You can always use them for your own fun if you can get past it with your morals.” Abby’s jaw dropped, then she closed it and used her anger at everything she had seen to plow her through the remainder of her mission.

The door opened to the ward of the criminally insane, the female block of course. There were only six doors in total. Abby knew it was because women could never be smart enough to commit such horrific crimes as men, or so the men thought at least. The first door to her right was the one she needed, the head nurse’s office. She let herself in, thanking everything she had that the keys were labeled so she didn’t look like a complete outsider trying keys in the lock. She closed the door and got to work searching through the documents in the drawers and on the shelves. After half an hour, frustration and panic were setting in. She couldn’t find Ruth’s file. She sat on the chair on the other side of the desk, looking for anywhere else the file could possibly be. A knock at the door startled her.

“Come in,” Abby and Carol had practiced scenarios where she would have to pretend to play the part she was dressed as. She had just hoped she’d never have to do it.

“Oh! Where’s Mary?” Internally Abby rolled her eyes. The significance of religion in society was superior to any other. Even men and women who were supposed to have no connection with society so they could ‘heal’ couldn’t escape the eyes of the harsh priests or anyone else who thought they knew what God truly wanted for humans.

“She had to go home, she was feeling unwell. I’m covering for her from another ward. Can I help you?”

“Oh, right, erm. Patient 779 needs to go for her treatment. She needs an aid but the other nurses and myself in this ward have to assist in a small procedure. Only nurse Emily was staying to watch over the women,” Abby nodded and dismissed the girl.

She walked down to the room labeled ‘779’ and opened it. Abby realized that she wouldn’t need to find the file anymore. At first, she was rooted to the ground, half wishing her dream of finding Ruth as she had left her so many years ago would come true. The woman who had to be Abby's love was shivering slightly, her head bent, he hands clasped together in her lap. Dirty bare toes balancing against the cold floor. Ruth would have never acted this way when Abby knew her, she was always so confident. Abby walked over to the woman whom she loved with all her heart and knelt before her. Her face was worn, pale, wrinkles edging in where they shouldn’t be at only thirty-nine. Her hair was long again now, but still matted, partially greasy and sticking out at odd angles. She was extremely thin, certainly bordering on severe anorexia and her lips were thin and tight. Ruth’s eyes were dim, there seemed to be no mind left in her head. Abby worried that the P.I. was right, there may not be any Ruth left. But she had to try. Abby tucked her hair behind her ear and Ruth’s eyes flickered slightly.

“Ruth?” She looked into Abby’s eyes, turned her head to the door slowly, then turned back to Abby.

“A, A, Abb,” She gave up at Abb, but it was enough to let Abby know that Ruth was still in there.

Abby got up and went to Nurse Emily. “Hello, I’m a new nurse from a different ward, covering for Nurse Mary. This patient needs a little fresh air before her treatments begin, would you be able to point in the quickest route?” The blonde looked up. She looked strikingly like Carol with the way her hair and makeup was styled, except uglier. The nurse pointed to a door at the end of the corridor.

“This will lead you to block F, where all the offices and such are. If you just keep going straight then turn right, you’ll get to the exit. Keep a tight rein on her, she’s obviously dangerous to have landed herself here and she can only be a few moments, her electrotherapy has to be on time.” _Not anymore. And you’re more dangerous than she ever was_.

“Thank you.” Abby went past her to the nurse’s station and pulled a wheelchair out and into Ruth’s cell. She closed the door behind her, not that Emily cared, she was busily invested in the latest fashion magazine.

“Abb.”

“It’s okay Ruth. I’m gonna help you,”

“Abb. Abb. Y. By. Abb.” Abby picked Ruth up and placed her in the wheelchair.

“Ruth, you need to be quiet now, alright?”

“Abb.” Abby put a finger to her lips. Ruth obediently shuts up. Abby kissed the top of her head, whispering into her ears, “I never stopped loving you,” then started wheeling her away.

Halfway through the doctor’s offices, Ruth began to fidget with everything. _No Ruth! We’re almost there!_ Abby walked faster, wanting to see the sun now more than she ever had. ‘One more corner’ she repeated in her head, a mantra of sorts. She turned the corner, the doors were there. She just had to keep calm and get Ruth away from this horrible place. Abby looked down at the back of Ruth’s head, her thinning hair showing bald patches, most likely from stress and ‘treatment’. _Don’t worry darling, I’ll find you again._ The doors opened onto a sunny day. Abby took a moment to breathe the fresh air in before looking around for other staff members. She hadn’t passed many throughout the hospital and she hoped no one would be outside to witness her wheel away a patient now. She made her way along the path, past green patches of land, bushes, the odd flower here and there. She smiled at any passing nurse who smiled back, thankfully there were only three and each of them had their own patient to worry about. Swiftly she made her way back to Carol, who was now waiting on a side street with her car.

 _November 1949_  

Sometimes, a spark can lead you to the most outrageous conclusions. There was a spark in Ruth, it was a dull spark but it had given Abby hope that even after all these years she could nurse Ruth back. Abby was wrong. She was dreadfully wrong. Ruth spent days in the darkness of her bedroom, refusing to turn on the light. She had been conditioned into not speaking at the asylum, so she wouldn't speak very much now. She had learned some words but not many. Eating and toileting was a massive struggle and though Abby would happily spend the rest of her life caring for Ruth, she knows the older woman wouldn't want to be taken care of. She was independent, strong, confident... She wasn't anymore. As the days went by, the hopes of her getting better were fading more and more. Abby knew this was no way for someone to live their life. She knew it was time.

One cold day, Abby knelt in front of Ruth in her bedroom. She was sat on a chair staring at nothing. “My love, this is our goodbye,” Ruth knew what goodbye meant. She looked into Abby’s eyes. Something switched in her mind. She took Abby’s face into her hands and pulled her into a light kiss on the lips. “Abby. I rrrremember. A aandd, I’ll LOVE you. Infinty.” Then she was gone. Back to the Ruth she had become. Tears ran down Abby's face but she knew this was not the life her Ruth would have wanted for herself.

Bang.

Abby held Ruth in her arms, crying her eyes out. "I'm so sorry Ruth. You were always the angel I didn't deserve." Blood sank into Abby's skin, the realization that her Ruth was never coming back hitting home more than ever. "I'll always love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think? Just to cover it, Ruth remembering is something that can happen to people with dementia. All of this is fiction, it's simply what I've read about via google but asylums in this era and the one before have always intrigued and terrified me and the staff in this probably would not have been as they are...but this is fiction and I wanted to make it horrific as I possibly could.  
> Lastly, if anyone is interested in being a beta for me, that would be really helpful! I wrote this chapter in 5 hours and when I finish a chapter, I like to get it up as quick as possible. Editing this was difficult which is my writing gets worse as it goes on. So yeah, if anyone's interested please drop a comment below! Thank you!


	8. 'Always a business function.'

_December 1950_  

Carol had always loved the winter and Christmas along with it. The snow was refreshing, she loved the cold breeze shifting through strands of her hair, cooling the skin on her head and face. Since she had brought the convertible, she barely put the top up. It was by far worth spending her years of savings on it. Abby had only needed to sit in it once before deciding she would get one as well. Carol loved the fashion, the feeling of putting on her favourite fur coat, gifted to her by Harge a couple of years ago. She loved walking or driving in the cold then going into a warm shop or a bar or a restaurant and feeling the heat evaporating the cold from her skin, only to go back out a few minutes or hours later. She loved hot cocoa. Christmas was beautiful, the decorations, the lights, the joyous aura of young people getting drunk, the utter enthrallment of a child’s face – particularly her child – when they see Santa believed they had been good that year, even though one of them had ruined their sister’s dress purposefully over jealous only a few days prior. Carol never had a sister. She had a brother, but he was a pain in her ass and they had lost contact long ago. She would’ve liked to give Rindy a sibling, but she would be damned if she went near Harge again. Rindy would have to settle with being an only child.

New York was very cold in the winter, unlike other places in America. Carol had once spent a Christmas in Florida. What a mistake that was. She had never been much of a fan of summer or the heat burning her pale skin, and to go through Christmas in the heat was horrendous. This was a year or maybe two, Carol couldn’t remember, before Rindy was born. She was practically alone in a hotel room for the two-week stay. Yes, Harge was there but was Harge ever really anywhere? If he was, was it worth the hassle of ruining Carol’s favourite holiday for a business deal that fell through in the end anyway? He spent most of the holiday out in meetings and parties that she wasn’t sophisticated enough to attend. She rolled her eyes every time she remembered he had said those things to her. Carol’s parents couldn’t come out to see her since they had moved to Washington DC and would be throwing a party to celebrate with their friends, though they hoped Carol had fun in Florida. Carol had hoped they would pay more attention to their children than the people they had probably only met a few weeks beforehand, but she had given up complaining. They had at least agreed on one thing when they were speaking: her brother Albert was good for nothing and deserved whatever was coming to him. Neither she nor her parents had any contact with him, though he would know where to go if he wanted to see Carol. The thought of her parents soured her mood. Harge had phoned them after the affair with Abby and they had been in full support of his decision to ‘correct her’ in whichever manner necessary. Bastards. They had refused to hear from her since the call, over a year ago now. She supposed she had been disowned, shunned the family name, being with a woman was worse than anything Albert could’ve done. She almost didn’t care, and yet she did.

On Carol’s 33rd birthday, the day she and Abby rescued Ruth from that dreadful place, Harge had screamed at her. She had screamed back in response. Florence had taken Rindy out to get her away from the noise, but not before Carol had glared at her as she left. Harge had ordered her to go a psychiatrist, to which she refused.

“I am not mentally ill.” Her screams could be heard through the house, her anger boiling over.

“Yes you are, Carol! You will do as I say.”

It had gone on like that for over an hour, each denying the other the chance to dominate. Carol used to surrender within a short amount of time, it was simply easier to allow Harge to win. But that was then, Carol had become a different woman in Harge’s well known absence and she would refuse to lie down and roll over as he wanted any longer. Harge was red in the face, he had thrown some of the ornaments at the wall, either breaking the ornament or putting a hole in the wall. It didn’t much matter to Carol, most of the ornaments held no significance to her and the wall would most likely be repaired before the month was out. She had to admit that at one point he had scared her. He had smacked her hard, across the face. Carol should have seen it coming. She could see that he had wanted to hit her for weeks over her behaviour with Abby. That wasn’t exactly what scared her. After he had smacked her, Harge had continued to lay down his authority, telling Carol she would no longer see Abby and she would go to psychiatrist or she would ‘suffer the consequences’. Carol had learnt a lot from Abby in the time they had worked together at the shop, which was now a flower stall after Abby had become bored with running it alone and sold it in May 1950. Carol had watched as Abby would bargain her way into deals that gave her more than she had sold, ultimately profiting largely for a small price. Carol saw her opportunity with Harge and took it.

“Alright, alright! Now listen. I will not agree—”

“CAROL!”

She put a finger to her lips and looked him in the eyes, to show him she wanted to speak rather than shout or interrupt.

“I will make a deal with you. I will go to a psychiatrist, I will see whichever doctor you require, but in return I will be allowed to keep my friendship with Abby. I will not relinquish this, Harge.” She said calmly. Harge seemed to be furious with her at first, but he spent a moment thinking about it. He looked at her, away from her, out the window, at the floor… Maybe it was longer than a minute.

“Alright.” He walked away.

Before leaving the room however, he said, “But Carol, if I hear a damn word about you and any other woman, including her, the consequences will be severe.” She thought he would walk away, finally having the last word on the matter, but he stayed rooted to the floor. Carol turned to him.

“You have my word.”

She looked in the mirror, applying her favourite red lipstick with care in preparation for her husband’s New Year’s Eve party. The memory brought unpleasant emotions, ones she couldn’t afford to dwell on tonight.

Thankfully she didn’t have to think on it any longer as Rindy bounded into the room. She was almost three, certainly on her feet and growing up too quick for Carol’s liking. Already her daughter had started asking her about how to make her hair ‘look pretty like Mommy’. Carol had told her she needed to wait until she was a little older. Rindy, now sat on Carol’s lap, was telling Carol about her new friend named Barbara who she had met at the park with Florence. Florence. Apparently, the girl had striking orange hair and blue eyes, much to Rindy’s dismay who believed she was very dull with her father’s brown hair and brown eyes. Rindy was talking too quickly for Carol to understand, but she didn’t slow her, the enthusiasm was beautiful to watch. Carol wrapped her arm around the little girl’s stomach and used the other hand to stroke her hair.

“That’s wonderful darling! Did you have fun?” Carol asked.

“Yes. But I fell and cut my knee…” Carol looked to the spot Rindy was pointing at. Florence had put a plaster on it but there was a small patch of blood soaking through to the other side.

“Oh sweetheart,” Carol kissed her temple, “do you think we should call an ambulance?”

Rindy giggled then shook her head vigorously.

“Are you sure, you don’t want your leg to fall off!” Rindy stopped laughing and looked at her leg.

“I think…it will be ok Mommy,” she said unconfidently.

At the worst possible moment, which was every moment lately, Harge walked in. Rindy jumped off Carol’s lap and ran to her father for a hug. Carol used to enjoy watching the two together but that had quickly changed. She understood her daughter needed a relationship with her father, she just wished that he wasn’t her father… But that was impossible because then Rindy wouldn’t be Rindy. Carol watched as Harge picked her up and spoke quietly to her. Without glancing at his wife, he walked away. Carol looked down then back at the mirror. All this because I’d rather have sex with women than men! Then the enormity of what she had thought hit her. She didn’t enjoy sex with men and was day by day finding them less attractive in general. It hurt to think on it, but Carol realised that whether she was married to Harge or not, she could not be happy in love or in sexual desire and be accepted into society at the same time.

 

The party was bustling with people. Men in dapper suits with women in long gowns draped on their arms, socialising with each other and of course Harge. The host was laughing, greeting all the guests, smiling politely, as though nothing was wrong. It was as though he wasn’t a man who had, very charitably, donated a large amount of his penis to his head. Then again, who would dare consider any man to be less that perfect. It doesn’t matter whether they’re business men, actors, butchers or prisoners, if they have a penis they will always be better than any woman. Carol took a sip of her champagne, knowing this wouldn’t get her through the night. She wondered why God was male in the books, the pictures, the stories… If God was a woman, and Jesus had been born Jeanette, the world would be a much different place. The Jeanette standing to the left of the room with her husband probably would disagree, she adored her husband. Her long blonde hair was curled and pulled round to one side so it draped over her shoulder. Carol was fond of the woman, she waved when they made eye contact, but quickly looked back to the group she was pretending to be deeply intrigued by. Barring Jeanette, nobody seemed to take note of Carol sitting at the bar with Abby. She had made all the introductions she was going to and didn’t plan on moving much for the rest of the night, the anxiety wasn’t worth it.

“How are you?” Abby had only just arrived, saving Carol from a painfully boring death sentence. The executioner? Dull business men and their mindless wives. Abby was fashionably late as always, Carol had worried she wouldn’t show and was about to scold her for it. She took a moment to take in the dress Abby had chosen for the evening. It was a plain navy gown, the neckline showing slight hints of a collarbone. It hugged her body to the waist before expanding out slightly, the sleeves covered her elbows but ended with an elegant lace pattern. The dress was stunning, but only because it was on Abby. Her slightly curled hair was pinned up for the first time since Carol had reconnected with her and she chose to wear almost no make-up, barring a little mascara and a pink shade of lipstick. Abby was natural beauty.

“Stressed out.” Carol finally said whilst leaning over to kiss her friend on each cheek. Before letting go, Carol spoke in a low voice next to Abby’s ear, “You look beautiful darling,” Abby smiled warmly at the comment.

“Don’t be a nitwit,” she couldn’t hide the grin forming as she said it. Carol knew Abby still liked her, but Carol didn’t feel what Abby felt. It would be unfair of her to continue with any sort of affair.

Carol lit a cigarette then slid the box across the table to Abby, “You’re so late I thought you must have been off with that girl you were telling me about. You seemed to like her?”

“I don’t date,” Abby stated. She looked away from Carol then. The blonde felt exceedingly sorry for her friend. After Ruth’s death, Abby had become closed off for a few months. She stopped going out altogether at first, staying in to cry all day instead. It wasn’t just the loss of Ruth hurting Abby, it was what she had to do to her. Abby had managed to bury Ruth alone before completely breaking down. Carol came to clean the room, Abby rocked on her bed. Afterwards they had laid together for hours, Carol holding Abby tightly while her friend stared into space. She was still shaking as she took drag after drag on her cigarettes. When she had finally fallen asleep Carol made sure to get her out of the bloody clothes she was in and under the covers. Carol looked at her nude body for moment before pulling the covers over Abby. There was no lust there anymore. Carol loved Abby, but only as a friend. It had taken Abby months to get past her PTSD and heartbreak to a point when she could finally go outside again, but both Abby and Carol knew there would be no full recovery for Abby. When she was finally starting to ‘get better’, or reapply her well put together mask, she went to every newspaper she could find and handed in the notes she had made on the asylum before Ruth’s passing. But no one would listen to her. No one cared. They believed she was making it up, such horrific crimes would not take place in an institution created to help people with mental difficulties. Abby was mortified, everything she had done had been for nothing practically. She had ended Ruth’s suffering but that wasn’t enough. There were hundreds of patients in these hospitals, they should be treated with more care, more respect. She had promised one lady she would get her out… That seemed impossible now. Carol knew Abby would never stop fighting, her will was too strong to give in. As for her dating scene, Abby would take whichever girl she thought wouldn’t get attached to her. She didn’t want anything permanent, just several one night stands. The pleasure was becoming less enjoyable the more she engaged in it. It was becoming a job she had to fulfill by the end of the week, monotonous cycles of the same physical pleasures without the intense emotions she so readily craved.

“Aunt Abby! Aunt Abby!” Rindy ran into Abby’s arms. As always Abby hugged her close but the little girl was fidgety and wriggled out of arms as quickly as she had found herself in them. “Aunt Abby, come dance with me?” She pleaded in that whiny voice that only children can accomplish. Abby laughed warmly.

“One dance my sweet, then I need to talk to your Mommy, okay?” Rindy nodded, dragging Abby out to dance. She stole a glance back at Carol who smiled and winked at her friend. Carol got a glass of bourbon, knowing she would need some strong stuff to get her through the night. Leaning back into the seat she had found, she observed the interactions between Harge’s guests.

Those who weren’t dancing were standing in groups around the edge. The marble floor created harsh noises. Women’s heels, the ends of walking sticks, the squeak of men’s shoes, the sharp noises cut through her ears. All because of the marble floor Harge was insistent on installing. She looked around. The music began playing again, covering the noise the friction on the floor made. The dark walls seemed to dull the mood more than could be possible. Really the mood wasn’t dull, but Carol wasn’t interested in getting involved with people laughing in groups or having a conversation with anyone who wasn’t Abby or Rindy. There would be no point, it wouldn’t alleviate her boredom. She glanced at her two favourite girls, Abby had picked Rindy up and was rocking her to slow jazz song. Rindy was grinning, playing with Abby’s hair as they swayed to the music. Carol loved seeing the two together. Abby had become an integral part of Rindy’s life, much to Harge’s dismay. Carol took a photo in her mind, knowing this was a memory she would always hold with her.

 

Abby was laughing raucously. She was certainly drunk and Carol knew she would be hailing a taxi for her soon. Not yet though. It was rare to see Abby having so much fun lately, though Carol could tell she was really coming into herself again. Abby had told Carol about a party she would be attending the following night to celebrate the first day of the new year. Carol knew it would be good for her to get out there again. Not back to seeing someone, just back into the world. Abby was always the popular socialite. Carol was perceived as one as well but Abby actually enjoyed it unlike Carol. She had invited Carol to go with her, the new bar in the city was supposed to be beautiful beyond compare. Carol had thought that it wouldn’t be by the time she could barely see after she had drunk enough to stop people trying to talk to her. Carol looked back over at Jeanette who was now busy supporting her stumbling husband towards the door. _I thought it would be Jeanette who got drunk_. Carol looked down at her bourbon, the one she seemed to be struggling to drink and despised the fact that she was still sober. It was coming up to the end of the party, everyone was heading out of the doors. Carol didn’t want Abby to leave, not in the state she was in.

She glanced around looking for Harge and found him in a vigorous conversation with some business man…possibly. She took the opportunity to take Abby upstairs, Harge wasn’t likely to go to the guest bedroom. Abby stumbled up the stairs, scraping her knee against one, which she pouted at. Carol would have laughed if she weren’t busy trying to keep any possible attention away from them. There might be a chance that someone could hear them trying to get up the stairs if they were too loud. She ran a hand through her hair then gently gripped Abby’s elbow again with her hand, which then slid into Abby’s hand when the brunette struggled to stand as quickly as she had meant to. Eventually they were back on track, Abby still stumbling, Carol still nervous.

Carol used her foot to close the door. Abby was stood still, her hand remained in Carol’s. The women looked at each other and saw everything they had come through. Each was ecstatic that they were involved in so much together but burdened by their compromising feelings. Abby longed for Carol, she stared as though she did, she moved as though she did and held her hand with such force it was hard to imagine she was drunk. Carol, on the other hand, had no interest in pursuing anything with her friend again. Abby took a step closer and Carol opened her mouth to say something but didn’t have the chance.

“You’re a good friend, Carol. The best I’ve ever known.” Now standing in front of Carol, Abby used her other hand to caress Carol’s cheek. Their eyes remained fixed on each other’s. Abby leant her forehead closer, Carol did the same. “In another life, we would be everything I could imagine. If that’s what you wanted as well.” Carol felt herself holding tears back. “But that is not this life, and I’m happy to share as much as I can with you as your best friend.” Carol couldn’t hold the tears as Abby leant in and kissed her softly. She kissed her back.

Then Abby turned away, letting go of Carol completely and walked to her bed for the night. Carol said goodnight confidently as she always would but walking down the hall away from her friend proved to be more difficult than expected. Heat filled her body and brought a flush to her cheeks. She made it to her own bedroom quickly after checking on Rindy and changed into her night dress. She closed her eyes in bed, thinking of an equal world. Her dreams had almost captured her mind until someone came into the room. Her eyes were too heavy to check who it was, there were only two possible people and she couldn’t face either of them in her current state.

“Carol.” _Fuck_.

She made a big show of being half asleep and turned over. Her jaw hung open lightly to make it seem more realistic. Then, she thought about how much she was hiding, how unhappy she was. How long can one continue to live under the water? She felt as though she were drowning in ‘freedom’. Darn whatever Harge said, she would fight for Rindy if she had to and she was going to start breathing again. Carol turned to look at Harge.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Carol said.

He was stood in front of the dresser mirror, pulling his tie and shirt apart. “Can’t do what?”

“This. I can’t pretend to be happy anymore.”

Harge looked at her through the mirror, he had managed to get his pyjama shirt on and had picked up a pillow. “So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying goodbye, Harge.” He stared at her blankly. “I want a divorce,” She got out of bed and walked to the door.

“Carol…I thought we were going to fight for this?”

“We were...or at least you were, but instead we’re fighting because of it. Frankly I don’t think she would try to pursue anything more when we both know we won’t be happy.”

Harge stared at her for a few long moments. His dark eyes imitating pools of dark oil that could suffocate a person if they were to take enough interest. Carol could feel her heart beating strongly against her chest, the drumming loud in her ears but she stood her ground as someone who could be alright on their own. Carol knew then that although she would get back out there and allow herself to find another girl if she wanted to, she would be happy surviving without anyone else but Rindy. Harge dropped his head. Carol also realised that she had loved her husband and still did love him, as he did her. But they weren’t meant to be. He looked up at her again.

“I’m sleeping on the couch, you don’t need to move. This isn’t over. I won’t stop fighting for you.” Harge brushed his arm against Carol’s as he went to leave the room. Carol watched him leave then closed the door behind him.

She wasn’t entirely sure how to feel. Relieved? No, she wasn’t relieved that her marriage had ended despite how unhappy she was. This, she knew, would be the start of a long battle between what she knew she could be in the world and what she wanted to be. Perhaps she could be both. She got into her bed and slept.

 

The following evening she had dressed to impress as she decided she would accompany Abby to her party. She had no intention of being anyone other than herself and she felt as though she would finally be able to communicate with other people again tonight. A glance in the mirror reflected her figure and beauty, she was satisfied with the way she looked. Carol had spoken to Abby about the conversation with Harge in the morning; well it was midday by the time Abby started taking anything in but regardless she had sat and listened to the blonde ramble. Abby said it was for the best and invited her to the party again. Carol felt like a new woman and decided it was time to start living her life again. She had come to the realisation that although she and Harge had indeed loved each other all along, the fact that she hadn’t realised it until the end of their marriage was a harsh and bitter concept that showed that they hadn’t loved each other enough. Upon waking up she had looked in the mirror and saw someone she didn’t recognise, someone who had the possibility of happiness if she would only allow herself it. Carol smiled at herself.

Since she had no intention of drinking tonight, Carol decided to drive herself to the new bar Abby had spoken of. It was a type of rehabilitation in which she would overcome her anxiety by giving herself no other option than to just go in and act as though she were comfortable. She patted the small purse on her seat, knowing her cigarettes were inside. If all else failed, nicotine would inflate her lungs and release whatever fear was left over. The drive was over quicker than she would have expected. After parking her car she took a couple of deep breaths and checked her makeup in the interior mirror. She lit her first cigarette of the night and inhaled slowly, thinking back on how much of Harge’s stuff was packed away when she left. She had no idea he had taken up so much room. She got out of the car and began walking to the bar, crushing the end of her cigarette before entering. It was a quaint building with little space, meaning only a medium sized group of people could fit in. Carol was feeling ever confident in her ability to overcome the anxiety. Everything inside was wooden, the walls were dark wood, the floor not much different but the ceiling and the bar were both lighter shades of wood. It seemed cheap compared to what she was used to, not that she was complaining. She spotted Abby right away, in a yellow pantsuit with a matching handbag. _Jesus, she knows how to attract attention._ She was talking to a man by the bar with a beer in her hand. Carol didn’t want to interrupt and tried to see if there was anyone else she knew there.

While she was looking, she noticed a woman sat at one of the tables alone with a wine glass. Carol thought if anything she could make conversation with her to avoid loneliness. She stalked over and stood in front of the table.

“Mind if I take a seat?” “Not at all.” Her English accent caught Carol off guard. She took a seat next to the stranger and looked back over at Abby who was still talking to the same man.

“What are you drinking?”

“Anything that will get me drunk.” The woman looked at Carol and they both laughed.

“I can understand that one.” The woman finished her drink as the barman came to get her glass, she ordered another two.

“I’m guessing you’re a fan of wine?” Carol wasn’t if she were honest, she and Abby both preferred other drinks, but she nodded lightly anyway. “What’s your name?”

“Carol, and yours?”

“Alice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm planning the next stories after this one and I'm struggling with word counts. So I'm just wondering whether you guys would rather read more in a chapter and I'll stick to 10 chapters per story, or whether I should keep the same amount of words and just not stick to 10 chapters?
> 
> Let me know.


	9. Not Enough.

_March 1952_ ,

Abby drew the nicotine into her lungs, inhaling it as though it were oxygen itself. It drugged her mind as well as any other alcoholic beverage, illegal drug or psychotic medical drug could, perhaps better. She looked over to the latest newsagents that she would attempt to sell her story to, hoping beyond anything that the people she had promised freedom were still there to be freed. Abby would never forget the harrowing faces of the men and women in the asylum, they deserved better than what they had. She sucked on her cigarette again, realising there was barely any left, she would burn it dry. Her eyebrows knitted together as she watched the busy New York streets become more crowded by the second. Ants completing their mechanical routine of picking up the dirt to carry back to their own little corners of the world, feeling as though they had done their bit for society. Similarly to ants, they all had the same dark clothing, the same slow drawl of trying to avoid work whilst remaining on time. Abby crossed her right leg over her left, took another drag. They resembled children in a way, forever being told where to go, what time they had to be there, when they could go home. And when they went home what would they do? They’d be bossed around by their figurative parent in the role of a demanding husband or wife who wanted his tea done on time. Abby was glad her life was not as planned out as theirs was. She would not be an ant, or a child.

She stood from the bench she was sitting, wrapping her coat around her a little tighter to fight against the wind that was unusually feisty that particular morning. On a normal day she would leave the coat unfastened and welcome the cold air inside, cold air was much more exhilarating than the comfortable warmth she had once come to know. She dropped the cigarette and stepped on it as she stalked to the building. Before entering, she took note of the little boy sat outside, either lost or homeless from running away from an orphanage of some sort and walked inside, knowing he would be alright in the end. Hopefully.

When she re-entered the ant nest, Abby took a left, going east. She thought about how futile the whole experience had been, from the receptionist Abby would sleep with in a heartbeat to the gangly writer in old fashioned glasses who barely took any notes as he listened to her, clearly bored. She rummaged through her bag for another cigarette, possibly hoping the chemicals would kill her in the end. Abby had moved on from Ruth, she had found a girl…she had found a few but Gretta was her latest and longest. She had brown hair and green eyes, a receptionist for a law firm. She enjoyed reading, classical music and men, obscurely. They had been seeing each other for a few months until a couple of nights prior, when she had suddenly blurted about a man called Phillip who had stolen her heart. Abby let her leave without a fight, she supposed, when she had finished crying, that the connection she thought they shared was merely a crush on Abby’s part and was grateful the other woman had been honest with her. Gretta was nothing compared to the likes of Ruth or Carol anyway.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she stumbled over a part of the sidewalk that had cracked and somehow rebelled against the conformity of the roads. It stuck up a little, the jagged edge clear if only one watched the floor when they walked. Abby’s cheeks burned red, and although anyone had barely stopped to glance at her, she felt as though the world was laughing raucously, particularly the concrete. Shame clung to her skin like a thin layer of clingfilm, little visibility, but she felt it expanding with every breath she exhaled. She hung her head then lifted it again, not allowing anything to tell her she was anything less than a person. She continued walking, focusing her peripheral vision on the ground.

She quickly found herself at a bar she recognised but couldn’t place. Quizzically, her head dropped to her right shoulder, trying desperately to remember where she had seen the building before. It didn’t look particularly lively, it certainly wasn’t the type of place she would stroll into out of interest. However, this time, for exactly that reason, the brunette found herself transfixed on the door handle that now had her hand wrapped around it, which she used to push open. The interior was certainly familiar, she remembered the worn-down vibe well but still couldn’t remember why she had been there before. Curiosity took her to the bar, she decided she would sit and contemplate until the memories returned. The bar tender had his back to her. She glance at the collection available, deciding whether she should go for a wine or a rye given she would be going out to a party later. Her mind still not made, the bar tender turned around and recognised her immediately.

“Eh, you’re tha fancy lady ain’t ya?” His growl, accompanied with a toothy yellow smile was an instant reminder.

“Barry!” He laughed. His throat had clearly seen better days, the nicotine had reached his laugh showing his years and the amount he smoked. It made Abby smile nonetheless.

“How’re ya doin, Miss? What can I getcha?”

“I’m fine thanks, what about you? You look well! And, I’ll get a red wine, something not too strong please.”

He filled the glass, the red liquid calm despite its colour resonating a fury within her that she was desperately refusing to reveal. The expression her face held must have betrayed her however as Barry looked concerned with his next statement.

“Anything ya need to talk about doll?” He placed the glass in front of her and put her note in the cashbox before coming round to the other side of the bar and pulling up a stool next to her. Abby was his only customer, he could afford to relax. She sighed, then began to tell him about her trouble with the newspapers. She left out Ruth’s relationship with her but told him she had gone into the asylum to help a friend. He listened intently, and Abby felt her anger washing away with every word she spoke. They sat in silence for a long while. Abby sipped her wine, glancing over at the blue paint, or lack thereof and wondering whether Barry would accept help with re-decorating.

“Do ya feel a bit better, Miss?”

“Please, it’s Abby. I feel…satisfied. For now at least.” Barry nodded. Abby had almost emptied her glass, it would be time to leave soon. Her mind wondered back to the night she had first come into the bar. She was supposed to meet Alice, the English writer and traveller who had caught her attention earlier. She never showed. _I emptied the mug that is me of the boiling liquid scorning my throat_. Abby remembered feeling too ugly for the other woman, she downplayed her feelings at the time but thinking back on it, the rejection had damaged her and made her vulnerable. Of course she had grown in the years since then, applied cream to the burns in the form of Carol, Berenice, Joan and Gretta. She was knocked down by seeing Alice again in the bar with Carol over a year ago. The tenor voice of Johnny Ace rhythmically created patterns across the jazz scales of his trumpet and piano in the background. ‘My Song’. Abby had watched the two women talking, listening to the heartbreak this man was sharing with her. She wasn’t sure how she felt. Carol seemed to be intrigued but not necessarily interested whilst Alice was practically drooling. _Everyone drools over Carol_. Abby sipped her rye then moved onto whiskey, knowing she wouldn’t be able to watch two women who had turned her down get to know each other.

Barry had gone to serve a customer, leaving Abby to think. She thought then that she thought to much, but she was in no mood to stop. She nodded at Barry for another drink. Carol had come over to Abby when she realised Max, the man she was talking to, had gone to flirt with a woman he may have had a chance with. Abby concealed her feelings with a well put together smile that would have fooled anyone other than Carol, who saw straight through her.

“Hey, nitwit. I didn’t want to interrupt anything,” Carol placed her glass on the bar. “You wanna tell me what’s bothering you?”

Abby chuckled, attempting to brush off the question. Carol waited. “The woman,” she inclined her head towards Alice, “I might have known her.” She said.

“Might have?”

Abby eyed Carol, hoping the situation wouldn’t be pressed any further. Again, Carol waited. “I met her a few years ago. Nothing happened, there was nothing special. We saw each other once and that was it. There, let’s drop it.” Carol’s scrutinization was obvious and certainly not lost on Abby who had turned to look around the bar. Tipsy Carol could entertain well but her demeanour lacked the surreal elegance used to hide her true intentions. Abby knew she would end up telling Carol about insecurities she had not yet shared.

“I’m not blind Abigail.” She said. That was all Abby needed. Carol had become her best friend, she didn’t want ruin any possible romances Carol could have lined up but she couldn’t hide the pain of being stood up by the woman talking to someone she loved. Carol listened intently, she stopped drinking to be able to think coherently and Abby noticed a twitch in her mask when she explained how she had felt that day. Then there was quiet. Carol looked back over at Alice who had found a newspaper from somewhere, her eyes latching on to each word.

“I think it’s time we left, Abby. I’ll call a cab.”

That was that.

Abby was brought out of her thoughts by Barry. She had somehow drained the second glass. Barry looked at her once again and she smiled then picked up her bag and left, leaving a promise that she would see him again soon.

Home smelled different since Ruth’s death. It smelled less natural but sweeter. It reminded her of the chrysanthus, the flowers Ruth collected and kept in her room. She dropped her coat on the table by the door and went up to her bedroom. The party wouldn’t start for a few hours yet. Tears sprung to her eyes as they did every time she lay down on her bed. They were always for the same reason, Ruth. She had told Carol that she was slowly moving on a couple of months after it all happened. Not even Abby expected to still be crying herself to sleep hugging a sweater Ruth had worn in the short time she was there.

The party was glorious. There were people she knew, who she clung to as though they were the floor keeping her from falling into the unknown. Her suit was the talk of the night. She was the only woman not wearing a dress, the fact slipped into conversations all night and Abby found herself prideful in her choice of attire. She had not expected Carol to come to the party though she had been invited. Abby looked around occasionally, hoping to spot the blonde curls or red lips but had given up by the time the second hour rolled along.

Carol was struggling with her divorce. That much was clear upon sight of her. Abby had first noticed what was happening when she stopped seeing Jane. Jane was a free spirit, one who moved across the country whenever she felt like it but Abby could tell she would’ve stayed put for Carol. One day Carol had just said no more and that was that. She had given no explanation and Abby felt that there was pressure from somewhere to avoid Jane. She knew there was a storm brewing. Carol had appeared graceful and elegant after that, as she would always be. Abby had thought that she might have just been tired of Jane and thought it best to let her go. But, as always when one socialises more than they work, Abby ran into Jane a few weeks later. They had a conversation. Then Abby understood.

Jane had asked Carol to go away with her. At first Abby didn’t understand the issue, Carol loved trips. Jane had meant permanently move. Carol would never leave Rindy. Jane should have known as much and maybe she did. Carol had described their relationship to Abby as ‘A little interest but not commitment. She isn’t that important to me nor I her.’ It was clear the red lips knew not what they spoke of. Carol was dream that anyone would become attached to. Abby walked away from the woman in contentment, finally knowing Carol’s reasoning. She intended to talk it over with her the same week when they saw each other again but Carol had called to cancel. Abby thought nothing of it and they arranged to meet again the following day. Abby didn’t see Carol for over four weeks. She was hiding. From what, or who Abby wasn’t certain but she was determined to find out.

Abby arrived outside of the familiar mansion she had come to know so well. Only Carol’s green Volkswagen, which she had switched the convertible for a few months prior, sat in the driveway gathering dust. The original car was a present from Harge, if Abby had remembered correctly, and Carol had brought the first likeable car she had laid eyes on once they decided on their divorce. Clearly Carol was picky since it took her almost a year to choose. The car was Carol’s and Carol’s alone, she would not have to bargain for it in the settlement. Abby found her feet moving towards the front door, unknowing of what she would come across. She was conscious of confronting Florence, who Abby had never been alone with since she crossed Carol. _Will we share daring glances as is expected, or will I rip out her intestines on sight? Who can really say?_ She came to the front door. Her eyes scanned over the ground floor windows in search of inhabitancy and upon finding none dug her lip into her teeth. She would later find her lip red and sore from nervously biting it.

Faint footsteps approached the other side of the door. Abby held her breath, holding her fidgeting hands behind her back. She questioned her nerves, remembering Carol was her friend but when the door swung open, she realised just how awful her friend’s situation was. Carol was perfectly put together in an imperfect way, with her hair and make-up accentuating every feature to hide the stress lines and dark circles under her eyes. She looked tired, and in turn, drained. Her skin colour lacked its usual glow, she was a dress that had been in the sun too much or had been washed too often, fading the life and colour from its cloth. The blonde looked to her feet. Abby noticed how thin she had become. Yes, Carol always had a wonderful figure, but she had some beautiful shapes curves which had now become one straight line. She couldn’t help the sudden emotion rising through her body, to her arms outstretched, pulling Carol against her. To her heart, severed from it’s arteries as it created its own erratic patterns. She thought at this moment, in the past her first instinct would have been to cry, but her eyes were wide open as if unable to hold every detail. She clung to Carol. _You, my love, meet the expectation of sanity mixed with oppression._

Carol sat on the couch, inviting Abby to sit next to her. A slow blues songs played on the record, Abby thought the tempo worked with the tension in the room but she didn’t pay attention the lyrics.

“Oh, Abby.” Their hands locked together. Abby remained patient. “I’m not quite sure what’s happening.” She said in a low voice.

“Start from the beginning. I have time.” Abby understood that Florence may be watching or listening.

“Rindy cries more now. She doesn’t understand anything,” Carol picked up a cigarette. She struggled to light it, her hands shook. Abby lit it for her then held her hands still. “I tell her, sometimes Mommy and Daddy need to spend time apart, so they can be better friends. I wonder when she’ll understand that Harge and I can barely stay in a room together without shouting.”

After a moment, Abby spoke, “She’ll understand one day. She’ll see how the world works. Fairy tales aren’t the only routes to take and thank God! Nobody wants to have to spend their days cleaning and cooking for seven small men, right?” Carol chuckled and Abby smiled.

“I wonder if these marches we sometimes go on will end up changing something so we can live happily…” Carol squeezed Abby’s hand. “I want Rindy to be able to make her own choices. She can be anything she wants to be,” Carol said. Inhale nicotine, exhale smoke. Abby wrapped her arm around Carol’s shoulders then took it away, realizing that she might get them into trouble. She repeated the phrase she had become acquainted with: a touch rarely means more than that but to prying and greedy eyes it is the demolition of one’s reputation. _Governing others to their own satisfaction, I should add._

“She’s a wonderful girl. Even if we can’t change much, she will go on to change things for herself.” Abby spoke though she knew Carol had stopped listening. Rindy was growing up fast, her blue eyes piercing against her dark hair, which she had inherited from her piece-of-shit of a father. She learnt something new everyday, she articulated her knowledge, she read exceptionally and most of all, she loved without expectations or conditions. The latter quality becoming half blessing half curse. One day, Abby feared she would have to choose between her parents. Harge was a business man and an informant close to Abby had told her he was looking to move out of town, no doubt planning to take his daughter with him. Abby had mentioned it to Carol months ago, as soon as she knew, but she had brushed it off after speaking with him on the matter. Abby wasn’t convinced she should let go so easily. Rindy was four now, would she be fourteen by the time Carol saw her again?

“Shall we go somewhere?” Carol asked. Abby nodded.

Carol had said they should go down to Chinatown, it would be nice to be around the copious amount of lights. Abby agreed, though it she had only been to Chinatown once with a failed date. Carol had been in her mirror the whole way down, each time Abby accelerated, Carol would imitate her movements. She caught a glimpse of her pink lips smirking at Abby’s attempt to challenge her, and she took the bait. They had done this before, catching the attention of a policeman on one occasion. Carol, who was learning too much about feminism, had acted as though she knew nothing about speed limits or where to find. ‘Please Mr. Officer, I’m just trying to learn to drive like all the men I see ‘round here do.’ She had smiled sweetly, flicked her hair back and stared into the officer’s eyes. The poor man had been the latest victim to Carol’s beauty. Transfixed on nothing other than her breasts, he told her ‘It’s no problem ma’am. But do remember to drive safely in the future.’ She drove away peacefully. Abby on the other hand, had spent a night in jail as a possible prostitute since she looked incredibly drunk and had chosen to dress ‘inappropriately’. Abby thought back on what she was wearing, it was a black flappers dress with a headband, still in fashion in the bar they were attending.

Abby remembered squinting her way through the morning sun as she drove to Carol’s house. Her friend was already giggling before she had opened the door and though Abby had been furious with the way she had gotten out of her sentence, she couldn’t help but laugh along with her.

They took the longest possible route to Chinatown, each enjoying the challenge too much. When Abby had finally parked her car and thrown the roof over her head, she was elated, and excitement gripped her bones as she anticipated the night. They went to a well-lit restaurant, as Carol had wanted and sat in a booth near a window. They both lit cigarettes and talked about anything and nothing. They laughed together, Abby felt at ease. Carol’s mood had clearly lifted. Abby thought that she would happily stay this way forever. Happiness. Abby realised that it’s all she had ever wanted and to be sat her with her best friend was all she would ever need.

They had found themselves in a comfortable silence as they waited for their food. Abby had ordered fish of some sort, she forgot to take notice, whilst Carol had ordered a variety of desserts. Abby had looked at her inquisitively. Carol only smirked with a shrug before glancing out of the window, smoke gracefully lifting from her mouth. Abby sipped her martini, the alcohol burned her throat pleasantly. She thought that she might like to open another shop with Carol in the future, now she had freedom to do as she pleased there was a chance Carol might accept. Her thoughts vanished, a image she recognised caught her peripheral vision. She slid herself to the end of the booth to watch her walk to a table in the middle of the bar. Abby’s cheeks flushed red as she watched the brunette sit across from another woman. She thought that they must only be friends and pulled her eyeline back to Carol, who was looking around at the rest of the restaurant. Abby thought that even with Gretta in the room, Carol was still the most beautiful woman she had ever laid eyes on. She glanced at her two former lovers, noting comparisons, of which there were hardly any.

Abby’s cheeks flushed. She had caught something she didn’t want to see, didn’t expect to see. Abby thought if she could see herself now, there would be no difference between her own reflection and a tigress waiting to pounce. She watched a tanned leg as it glided up another on the opposite end of the table. Her body was the exterior of a hardback novel, the contents dipped in water, smudging, ruining the story that could have been told. Abby felt water in the bottom of her eyes, her eyebrows connected in a mixture of frustration and pain. She downed her martini in one gulp, still glaring at the women. A head of blonde hair covered the movie, Abby was brought back to Carol who was trying to find what Abby was looking at. Carol had never met Gretta, she had heard of her but the women had never met. There was never an opportune moment so when she turned around to face Abby again, the latter had expected her to be confused. Abby herself was confused. Gretta had told Abby she was with a man named Phillip, being cheated on is to be betrayed, did it matter whether it had been with a man or a woman? She realised then that their parting was not honest.

Carol placed a hand over Abby’s, forcing her to draw back the tears threatening to fall. “I feel as though I cannot be enough for anyone.” Abby took her hand away, partly from shame, partly because she noticed the waiter returning. She didn’t notice how accusatory that must have sounded until much later. The waiter placed their food down in front of them, the plate making rather loud snaps against the table and left abruptly. Abby knew he had noticed the connection, his rude behaviour told her he was the same as everyone else. Carol ate in silence, though she continued to glance at Abby, Abby only managed to eat half of her meal. She leant forward once again, Carol lit her cigarette for her. She realized that Carol didn’t know about their split, but she couldn’t talk about it now.

She had given up being nice, being nice wasn’t going to get her anywhere, and on impulse she stood and walked to the table, noting a pair of ice blue eyes on her the entire way.

“Gretta, how wonderful to see you here!” Abby said, standing behind her chair. Gretta started, choked slightly on her drink then turned to face her.

“Abby, I…”

“And you must be Phillip, I assume?” Abby held her hand out to the other woman, who smiled and took Abby’s hand gently.

“Phillipa.” The woman had a strong Spanish accent, which helped Abby understand how her skin had such a beautiful tanned glow. She had to admit, the woman was stunning. Unlike most of New York, she had long hair parted in the middle which curved around her shoulders, her eyes were dark like her hair and her smile was wide, every feature accentuated by it. But Abby wasn’t here to admire her.

“Gretta didn’t tell me she knew such a sweet girl as you! When she said Phillip, I thought she had meant a man, how stupid of me!” She noticed the green eyes glaring at her, but continued anyway, “Tell me Phillipa, how long have you known each other?”

The poor woman clearly had no idea what was going on and took Abby for a good friend of Gretta’s. “Oh! Gosh! It must be over a year now! We are good friends…we have been very good friends for this long.” She smiled shyly at her lover, who was sweating profusely. Abby choked her emotions away when noting she had been cheated on for a year or more. She continued to look at the two women with a warm smile, though she had lost her word appetite.

“My my, Abigail, you do know where to find them.” The sultry voice had lowered an octave, Abby imagined Carol admiring Phillipa and Gretta. She didn’t blame her but she couldn’t help the jealousy she felt at once again being the ‘ugly woman’. She dropped her head, completely heartbroken, her chest a graveyard of broken souls, unwilling to move on from her body. It hurt the most there. She felt a hand on her back but continued to stare at the floor. “I’m sure, lovely lady, that you would be interested in a drink, perhaps I can get one for you?” Abby glanced up, understanding Carol’s flirtatious attitude was aimed at Phillipa.

“Such a kind offer, Miss, but I am already busy unfortunately.” Phillipa said.

“Oh that’s such a shame. I know that Gretta has been busy for quite some time with my dear friend here, I’m sure I can contest your business with a better offer,” Carol pulled up to chairs, she sat on one and winked at Phillipa, who had become transfixed.

“Gretta, what does this woman speak of?”

“Oh, darling…”

“Your lady had not been as honest as you may think,” Carol whispered into Phillipa’s ear so that Abby could hear, “Sometimes friends are more than what they seem, hmmm?” Phillipa put the pieces together and stood up.

“Where shall we go?” Her attention was fully focused on Carol now and Abby was grinning as she watched the hate in Gretta’s eyes grow.

“Ah well, I have another engagement with a friend tonight, but let me give you my number.” Carol said. She glanced up at Phillipa seductively before giving it to her.

“Have a wonderful night, darling.” She kissed the Spaniard on each cheek then turned to Gretta. The blonde smiled warmly at her, an air of sarcasm and arrogance filling her eyes, then sauntered away. Abby took a last took at Gretta’s seething expression, before escorting Phillipa out of the restaurant.

They went to a quaint park near Abby’s house. It was silent but peacefully so, only the night breeze and animals that were still awake made noise. The atmosphere was beautiful, Abby knew she and Carol would stay on the bench they had found for as long as possible. She took her time taking in the scenery, thinking about what she could possibly say to Carol about all that had happened. She thought she should start from when Gretta had broken up with her, but the memories made her crease, fighting away unwanted emotions.

“That girl, Gretta. She was the one you were seeing?” Abby was quiet, thinking but not really thinking.

“Yes. But you know she’s a woman, not a girl?”

Carol chuckled, “Age counts for nothing when you have the mentality of a fourteen-year-old.” She smiled, “Even then most young girls and boys have more loyalty and respect for each other. Isn’t it interesting how we seem to lose those qualities as we grow up?” She asked a rhetorical question.

Carol observed the bushes in front of her. Something rustled underneath, making Abby jump a little though Carol remained calm. Abby sensed her brain wasn’t the only one mulling over thoughts and memories, she suddenly wondered what Carol was thinking. The silence between them remained however, and Abby noticed Carol letting her coat fall open in the now cold wind. Clouds were gathering above them, the wind blew their hair in different directions, as though trying to wake up two corpses to no avail.

“Abby…” The brunette’s head snapped in the direction the voice was coming from. She had been so lost in her mind that she hadn’t noticed the stray tear rolling down Carol’s porcelain cheek. Though when she did notice, Abby could do nothing but stare, unsure of how to be around a Carol who cried. Carol hadn’t cried in front of Abby since their affair ended, the new development in their friendship was too much for this night.

“Abby, what we had was wonderful. I wouldn’t take it back and I don’t regret anything,” she swiped the tear away, her face now appeared poised as always though her voice still wavered somewhat. “You showed me something I would have never found by myself and for that I am forever grateful.”

Snapping out of her dystopian state, Abby took Carol’s hand, squeezing it between her own. “Carol, I appreciate what you’re saying and I feel the same way… But I don’t understand where this is coming from.” Abby tried to lower her vocal register slightly, hoping the concern would dilute with the change. The last thing she wanted was to worry Carol further.

The blonde ran her free hand through her hair, using it as an excuse to physically turn away from Abby. She waited patiently until Carol was ready to turn to her again. There was moment where Abby thought she would never understand what her friend meant, but when she tried to let go, Carol gripped on to her hand. She blew out a long breath, only carbon dioxide, no nicotine, and turned back to Abby. “Earlier, you said that you felt as though you weren’t good enough for anyone,” Abby could sense her welling up again, she felt her heart pounding furiously against her chest with both pain and guilt. “But you’re enough Abby. Things between us just didn’t work, that’s all.” Carol was sobbing like Abby had never seen and she drew her friend close into her arms and held her. Abby found herself forgetting the world around them as she stroked Carol’s hair and kissed her on the forehead, trying desperately to avoid her own tears dripping into the blonde curls.

When they released each other Abby held onto Carol’s hand once again. She stared into her bloodshot eyes, used her thumb to wipe away smeared eyeliner under them, and said, “By God Carol, you must know I wasn’t talking about you when I said that. If anything, you are the woman who made me believe I could be enough for someone again…” Carol’s wide eyes and pouting lips reminded Abby of Rindy whenever she had to say goodbye. Her vulnerability was clear, Abby felt incredibly lucky to be able to see the honesty in her natural reaction to everything that had happened between them. “Sometimes it just changes, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. And that’s okay.” She smiled. Carol’s lips twitched slightly before looking away again. Abby knew she would have to work to make Carol believe her words but she was willing to write essays if that’s what it took.

Sometime later they both hugged, kissed each other on the cheek and got in their cars to go home. Abby recognised her exhaustion, connecting it to the emotional pain and joy she had experienced throughout the day. She watched the night in her back garden as she waited for the milk to warm up. It was serene, calming. Her mind shut down for a moment or so. She took herself and her mug up to her bedroom, got changed and climbed into bed. She drank her milk sleepily before lying down. And as always, a tear escaped for Ruth.


	10. The Shop Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovely readers! We all know what our favourite ladies would have been doing 66 years ago tonight and that's why it seemed appropriate to post the final chapter of this story! I hope you've all had a wonderful Christmas, Hannukah or anything else you've celebrated this month and I hope you have a wonderful new year!   
> The next post won't be until mid to late April now as I have to write my dissertation but I promise I have some big plans for the next story, though you will already be familiar with the narrative ;)   
> Enjoy

_December 1952,_

Carol left her lawyer’s office feeling slightly invigorated. Her walking pace quickened when her mind wandered back to the conversation. Fred had explained that Harge had reluctantly come to an agreement with regards to joint custody of Rindy. Though he still wishes to pursue a relationship Carol, he is willing to come to terms with sharing their daughter until his wife is ready to come back to him.

“Ex-wife, Fred.” Carol smiled politely, a glint of freedom and satisfaction in her eye.

“Indeed, Mrs Aird.” He said ironically, then cleared his throat. “To continue, Hargess will take care of Rindy on alternate weekends and some days in the week which the two of you will discuss and agree on in a meeting in the coming weeks. We will be taking a break until the new year so—”

“Oh, don’t worry yourself with this Fred, Harge and I have already come up with an arrangement for Christmas and since the rest is sorted, you deserve to take a break…” She glanced towards the stack of papers on his desk, “Or work on other cases if you must,” Her smile became warmer.

Fred also smiled. “Rest assured, we will settle this in the first weeks of January given that there are no changes to the case.” He shifted his burgundy neck tie slightly, allowing air to hit some of the skin on his neck.

“Thank you,” Carol stood and shook his hand before he opened the door for her to leave.

The folder he had given her containing a copy of the agreements was still in her hand as she briskly walked down the New York streets. Florence was still working in the house at Harge’s request. She was taking care of Rindy until Carol got home. It motivated her to carry on walking, even through the ice glued to the pavement beneath her feet. Over the last few months, Florence had become more hostile to Carol. She would glare, frown, show expressions of disgust for what appeared to be no reason. Ha. There is always a reason.

Carol hugged her coat tighter around her, it was chilly already in the winter air, but thoughts of Florence would make the lowest temperatures drop further. Florence was conservative. She had wondered whether Harge had specifically chosen Florence to work for him because of the similarity in their views. Carol had used to think she, herself was conservative. Looking back, she simply bent herself to fit in with the people around her. How different she was even three years before this point. Though she had begun to change, she had had sexual relationships with a couple of women – and one dissatisfying man – she still often felt confused and disgusted with herself. She felt as though she were an abomination, unfit to function correctly in society. At one point even unfit to be a mother. However, this was also the point where she sought to find whether society was right in its judgements. She found that murderers deserved their punishments, but homosexuals did not. She found no difference between male and female intellect though men were awarded higher positions, higher pay and generally more rights and privileges than women. And through this difficult process of discovery, she found that there was nothing wrong with her either. Of course, there are always some who will disagree. Florence, for example. But there’s no changing that.

Turning left into her street, Carol thought about the ways her life would change from now on. Harge had not mentioned the relationships she had had with women, though she was sure he only knew about Abby. It shocked her at first, that he didn’t bring it up in court. Surely that would be his first point of call – to paint Carol as this monster who was deviant and shouldn’t take care of any children. But there was none of that. Harge had learnt how to be civil, shooting Carol to the gutter wasn’t in his plans.

The front door closed and little footsteps ran towards Carol before she swooped her daughter up in the air and hugged her close to her.

“Oh, Rindy! You’re getting too big for this my sweet.” Rindy giggled at her mother’s words as Carol set her down. She was an innocent child, always happy. Carol wanted to keep her this way and would do everything in her power to make sure she would remain content.

“Mama! I made a drawing! You wanna see?” Rindy asked as she pulled on Carol’s hand, dragging her to the living room. Carol didn’t have chance to reply before Rindy was proudly shoving a coloured pictured into her hands. Carol smiled and began to tell Rindy how amazing her colouring was. She stuttered slightly when she realised it was a picture of Rindy, Harge and herself. Rindy knew about the divorce, Harge had even introduced his new girlfriend to her. Pearl was nice enough but Harge had clearly told her about Carol’s affairs. The woman always had an eye of curiosity mixed with disgust when looking her way. Carol didn’t much care. Harge still looked at her like she was the most beautiful woman in the room, humorously. None of it changed the way Carol felt each time she saw Rindy show a sign that she hoped her family would reunite. _It shouldn’t be like this._

“I’m very impressed darling.” Carol said, handing the picture back to her daughter. Rindy beamed with pride. The expression remained on her face even as she bolted up the stairs to stash it away.

Carol walked back to the coat rack and hung her coat and scarf on the first hook. Her good mood from earlier was dampened. She put her left hand on her hip and brought the opposite one up to her mouth. Her teeth grazed her index finger before she bit down in concentration. She needed to spend some time with Rindy today.

“Mama, I need to draw one for Daddy!” Rindy shouted as she ran past Carol into the living room.

Carol smiled as she thought. They could go out to the zoo or a park, but it would be cold for Rindy. She could take her to a restaurant, perhaps the one Abby had taken her to last week… But how long would Rindy’s attention span last? Carol brought her finger from between her teeth and tapped her top lip as she observed her daughter drawing the scaffolding of another family picture. Shopping? _No not shopping, I don’t want her to see any possible Christmas presents. And shopping makes me nervous._ She acquiesced to the thought of having to stay indoors.

“Mrs Aird, I’ll be leaving now.” Florence had appeared from nowhere in her coat, walking briskly past Carol. Carol fixated on the name she had used as she heard the slam of the front door before turning and glaring at the handle Florence had touched. She decided she didn’t want Florence around Rindy anymore – Rindy didn’t much like her anyway. She would speak to Harge about a replacement when he arrived in the evening.

Carol put that thought to one side as she strolled towards the living room. Rindy was calmly colouring in the grass, her concentration evidently taking up all her attention. Carol glanced towards the kitchen, Florence had left the sheets folded and stacked on the stool, ready for storing away when she arrived the following day. Carol smirked. She didn’t care about Florence’s hard work, she was a nuisance anyhow and Carol had finally struck gold with what she and Rindy could do today.

“Darling?” Carol shouted.

“Yes Mama?”

“Wanna build a tent?”

The squeal grew as she heard small footsteps running towards her.

 

* * *

 

 “Daddy!” Rindy squealed as Harge picked her up and spun her around.

“My big girl! Have you been having fun with Mommy?” He looked in Carol’s direction, presenting her a tight-lipped smile. Carol returned it. It was evening, Harge was right on time to collect Rindy as she had expected.

“Daddy, Mommy and me and Abby made a tent! I want you to play in it, can you come and play?” Rindy was already pulling him towards Carol.

Harge glared at Carol upon hearing Abby’s name but softened quickly as he saw himself pushing her further away.

“Sweetheart, why don’t you go play by yourself for a bit until Daddy and Mommy come back, okay?” Abby asked her as she stood in the living room doorway. She knew it would be the last time she would play with her god-daughter today… and it was by far better than dealing with Harge’s death stares.

“Uhuh, okay!” She let go of Harge’s hand and ran to her tent. Abby followed.

“Carol?”

“Harge, I’m not happy with Florence working here anymore. The more I leave Rindy with her, the more difference I see in Rindy when I come home. She’s disjointed from being left alone and now it will take you hours to get her to sleep because she’s got so much energy from doing nothing for half of the day.” Carol knew she was exaggerating, but most of what she had said was true.

Harge nodded slowly and looked back towards his daughter, appearing to note how energetic she was this late in the evening. “Does Rindy still respond well to her?”

“How can she respond to someone who won’t interact with her?” Carol asked.

“You make a fair point.” Harge nodded to himself as he thought about his options. “Florence will have to stay for now, at least until we can find someone to replace her. I’ll keep an eye out…”

“Daddy! Hurry up!” Rindy shouted from the other room.

Carol and Harge smiled at each other, a knowing look in their eyes before they went to be with their daughter.

 

* * *

 

Carol sat in an armchair with a cigarette and a glass of scotch. She hadn’t drank from it, she’d only stared at it for the past half an hour. Harge had taken Rindy with him to his parents’ house. Once again he had asked her to join them so they could be a family and once again Carol had declined. She wasn’t in love with Harge, she was sure she had never been in love before in fact. She loved her daughter as a parent and she loved Abby as a dear friend… but that was the closest she had got.

Abby was still in the house somewhere, probably napping after such an eventful afternoon with Rindy. Carol would find her when she was exhausted with loneliness. Her thoughts were enough company for the time being.

Her lips, painted a beautiful mix of muted orange and light brown, wrapped around the cigarette. She took a long a drag, closing her eyes at the sweet burn tingling in her throat. It reminded her of the mild burns she would get from the summer sun if she wasn’t careful. She watched the smoke dwindle beautifully in the air. It was an artwork meant for only her eyes before it disappeared. Why smoke? In a world full of disappointment, abandoned dreams and crippling reality, why wouldn’t a person take every opportunity to see something beautiful?

Carol thought that although she much preferred the winter to the summer, she didn’t completely disown the notion of enjoying summer. Rindy had been badly burnt when she was a baby because of Florence’s stupidity, but since then she had seemed to enjoy the heat. If it were cold all year round, we wouldn’t appreciate it when it came. _Well, it isn’t the worst reason to like summer._

Carol heard footsteps upstairs. She smiled, knowing Abby was awake. Carol would go up and see her soon, she wanted to enjoy the quiet for a little while longer. The room had changed slightly over the years. When they had moved in, the entire house was designed in dark browns and blues which told Carol that they had no sense of style. It was all very dull. It made Carol not want to wake up in the morning. Harge had clearly felt the same. Within a month he had an interior designer walk around the house to create plans that would make the house more of their home. Carol had worked with him as well as Harge. Her husband had wanted her involved in the house design… He had cared about her then. Another month after that and the living room was completed, Carol found herself sitting in there all day when she was home. There were brighter colours, ornaments and photos decorated the walls and there was a rug. Carol was happier about that than anything, she could finally take her shoes and stockings off to feel the carpet beneath her feet. It wasn’t long until the whole house perfect the two of them. This was one of her favourite rooms. Carol has had to think of the possibility that Harge will fight for the house. It wouldn’t bother her…if she wasn’t so familiar with the memories the rooms brought.

“Hey,” Abby dragged Carol from her thoughts. She smiled weakly.

“Hey.”

They sat in silence for a while. Abby lit a cigarette. The silence was comforting, the only pull to reality was the sound of the clock ticking. Carol had learnt that it was generally safer being in her own head, despite patriarchy telling women they shouldn’t be in their head. Yet another oppressive strategy women have been falling for. Abby dropped the butt of her cigarette in the ash tray and leant back.

“So, would you like to do something?” Carol looked towards her friend with a amused expression.

“Depends. What were you thinking?” Abby had a playful grin on her lips.

“Rob a bank. Steal a car. Kiss a man’s wife. Something spontaneous…”

Carol laughed and tipped her head back. “I think we’ve done enough law breaking for a while.”

“Oh, you’re so boring. But if you want to be good little law-abiding women, then we could always just go out to eat?”

“Mmmmmm, yes. That sounds nice.” Carol finally tasted her drink, it wasn’t as nice as it would’ve been if she had drank it an hour ago, but she drank it one go anyway. “I’ll get ready.”

 

* * *

 

Abby had managed to make herself look glamourous considering she had been playing with Rindy all day. Of course, Carol had let her use whatever she wanted to fix her hair and make-up, but she wasn’t expecting to see such a refined look from her best friend. Carol had made some effort, but nowhere as much as Abby and she was beginning to worry that that would be a mistake.

“So, Miss Gerhard, where will be heading?” Abby was half sitting on the dining room table, finishing another cigarette. She had adopted the most sensual position and even it were only joke, it reminded Carol of how much she had hurt Abby when they stopped seeing other romantically.

“It’s a surprise.” Abby took her coat and bag from where they sat on a chair and walked towards the front door, motioning for Carol follow. Carol’s walk was lazy to feign uninterest, but the way she held herself and the expression on her face no doubt gave her away.

She picked up her keys from the table but dropped them again when Abby put her hand over hers. Blue eyes flicked up to meet sparkling brown.

“I’ll take you… and drop you off afterwards.” Carol giggled as Abby’s small panic and lack of planning became evident.

“Okay,” Carol said as she took the lead and walked towards Abby’s car. Abby jogged behind her, calling out as she watched Carol walk ahead.

Carol was already sat in the passenger’s seat by the time Abby had opened the door to the driver’s side, “Hurry up slow poke.” She said it with cool confidence but a humorous expression flashed across her features as Abby glared at her.

“Do I even get a clue?” Carol asked.

“About what?”

Carol rolled her eyes, “Tonight’s venue?”

Abby only smiled as she pulled away. They sat quietly, listening to the radio. They had days like these, days where they both preferred the quiet and were satisfied sitting together doing nothing. Of course, most of the time, it was all laughter and conversations. They enjoyed all the time they spent together. Unlike earlier however, Carol had run out of thoughts to get lost in. She glanced over to Abby to find her gazing at the road, clearly something was playing on her mind. Carol paid no attention to it, she knew Abby would tell her when she was ready. The blonde took the opportunity to look at the interior of Abby’s car. She had spent a lot of time looking at it on her drive, or looking for it when Abby had forgotten where she had parked it, but she rarely had chance to sit in it anymore. Abby’s car was a stark contrast to Carol’s Volkswagen. Abby enjoyed brighter colours, flashier brand names, expensive leather coating the seats… Carol had used to like all of this, and though her new car was just as pricey as the last, she found it to be classier. Plus, there was less of a chance of it being stolen. Abby had stuck to her red convertible. She could speed round corners and let the top down in the winter, though she had chosen not to for the ride to their destination. Carol wouldn’t have minded, she enjoyed the cold air. She noticed the differences between the two, Abby’s leather seating was beige, probably difficult to clean whereas Carol’s was darker and made from cloth. She didn’t like the sound leather made when a person sat down. That, and leather wears away quicker than cloth. The entire interior appeared lighter all round…but perhaps that was enhanced with the white of the fresh snow lighting everything up.

“We’re almost there,” Abby spoke quietly. Carol thought she sounded shy, almost demure. It was very unlike Abby and the blonde wondered whether they had overdone it with the silent thinking.

“And, pray, are you finally going to tell me where _there_ is?” Carol was much louder and boisterous as she tried to lighten the mood.

Abby gave a wide toothed smile, “Oh, why not. You know I told you about that bar where women go to…”

“Meet and greet?” Carol supplied the rest of Abby’s dying question with a grin when she saw her friend’s cheeks flare pink.

Once over her temporary shock, Abby laughed at the expression and nodded. “Well, I thought maybe you’d like to take a look around—”

“Abby. You know I’m not—”

“Yes, yes. You’re not looking to… _meet and greet,_ ” they grinned at each other, “but there’s no harm in taking a look at the marvellous decoration and cocktail menu. Besides, we’re here.”

Carol looked ahead and noticed how dark the building appeared. “Abby, are you sure this is a bar and not a mob hideout?” Carol shot her a genuinely nervous look as they began walking towards their death.

“Carol, what do you expect? A flashing sign with arrows pointing to a sign saying ‘lesbians inside’?” Abby watched her friend’s mixed reaction as they walked to a dark brown, dingy looking door. A woman with short hair and a suit answered. She looked very well built, exceedingly strong. Carol smiled. It was pleasant to see another appearance, a more…masculine appearance.

Carol had zoned out looking at the handsome woman and before she knew, Abby was dragging her into the room. Carol’s jaw dropped a little upon seeing the place inside. Abby was right about it being wonderfully decorated. Everything was made out of wood, except for the top of the bar which was marble. There portraits of famous actresses on the walls, Tallulah Bankhead and Marlene Dietrich were two of many. There were other women that Carol didn’t know in some of the pictures as well. There weren’t many tables, possibly five or six with anywhere between one and four chairs around them. They all had white tablecloths and a candlestick in the middle. There were some ornaments scattered along some book cases, giving some personality from the owner. Carol wondered for possibly the thousandth time how Abby managed to know everyone and everything. Carol couldn’t have even stumbled upon a place like this yet Abby had managed to specifically seek it out without getting herself into trouble. She smirked at her best friend, Abby has a brilliant mind.

“Shall I get a menu, or do you have an idea of what you want to start the night with?” Abby asked.

“Vodka.”

Abby’s eyes widened at her friend’s choice. She walked towards the bar anyway.

 

* * *

 

Abby hadn’t expected this. She thought at the beginning of the night that they would have a drink of something weak, take a look around the bar and head somewhere else for something to eat. When Carol wanted to order a vodka, she thought that Carol might want to stay, or just get drunk and celebrate the wonderful meeting she’d had with her lawyer. When a woman walked over and started talking to Carol, she thought that maybe she would watch her best friend begin to like someone new. Abby was pleased with the progress of the night, she hoped Carol would find someone she could share her bed with. Abby certainly had her eye on someone…

But when Abby had come out of the rest room, she found her friend and the other woman had gone. Abby frowned. It wasn’t like Carol to just abandon her. She shrugged and decided to look around and check she wasn’t in the bar anywhere. She skirted the perimeter and found nothing. She was beginning to worry now. She walked back over to the woman in the suit who had let them in and asked whether she had seen Carol.

“She just went out for some…air, with her friend.” The woman smirked. Abby smiled politely, she was feeling more relaxed now,

“Thanks.”

“Hey… erm, any chance I can…maybe…” The woman scratched the back of her head and looked towards the floor.

“Oh… That’s very sweet of you, really. But I have my eye on someone at the moment…”

“Ah, I see.” The woman looked a little disappointed, but she tried to hide it. “If things don’t work out… I’ll be here,” the woman smiled at Abby. Abby felt a stir begin in her stomach, she knew this feeling.

“Can I get name?”

“Shirley.”

Abby smiled widely. She was definitely attracted to Shirley.

“See you round, Shirley…”

“Bye Miss…”

“Abby. My name is Abby.”

Shirley seemed genuinely happy she had met someone who might have an interest in her as well.

“I hope to see you soon, Abby.”

They stood grinning at each other for a moment longer before Shirley saw someone coming and snapped back into her intimidating stance. Abby smiled at her and left.

Abby leant against the wall next to the door, a stupid smile playing on her lips. She was certainly smitten, Shirley had these beautiful blue eyes… ones that could compete with Carol and Ruth. She considered going back in, was this red head she had her eye on worth it? Would she even be interested in Abby? Or even women? Of course she was beautiful, slightly younger than Abby and Abby would certainly like the chance to get to know her… But there was a woman in there who was genuinely interested in her and may have an interest in pursuing something with her. Abby revelled in the thought of having a choice. She had never had more than one option with romance before this point… Now there were two women who may possibly begin something with her. Abby thought about the red head some more. Then she thought about Shirley some more. She smiled, knowing that she had time to consider the two.

As she walked towards her car, lost in her own mind, she heard a scream come from the other side of the building. It sounded familiar. _Oh my gosh! Carol!_

Abby began to run, leaving her shoes by the car. She went as fast as she could, running around the final corner to find Carol walking swiftly towards her.

Abby slowed to a stop, a confused expression telling Carol she had no idea what was going on.

“Oh… You heard? How nice of you to come and save me.” Carol rolled her eyes and slapped her purse into Abby’s chest. Abby should’ve expected this, Carol wasn’t the nicest person when she drank too much. That’s why she usually only excessively drank alone.

“What happened?” Abby ran to catch up with her friend. They walked quickly to Abby’s car together. Abby started engine when they were both seated and began the drive to Carol’s house. “Well?”

Carol let out a long sigh. “The woman who was talking to me wanted to have sex and I didn’t want to. She tried to… Well she tried but I kicked her where I thought it would hurt and walked swiftly away.”

Abby stared straight ahead with her mouth open. She closed it quickly as she thought of something to say.

“Well… Are you—”

“Abby, please. Just get me home.”

So Abby did just that.

 

* * *

 

Carol gripped her bag tightly as she finished her cigarette. She considered her options, going up to the floors she needed to now would get the two biggest and only presents she would need out of the way, Abby deserved hers after the other night. However, her nerves, and the possible claustrophobia from the amount of people were getting the better of her. She crashed the end of her cigarette into an ash tray with a shaky hand. _To hell with it._ Her heels clacked against the floor as she walked to the stairs, knowing the ski department used to be on the first floor.

On the second floor, Carol took a moment to steady her breath. She certainly wasn’t as fit as she used to be but then again, she wasn’t expecting to climb double the number of stairs. She found a quiet corner and took a moment to breathe slowly. Abby had spoken with her about her panic attacks, she had spoken of some of the ways she calmed herself down. Carol wasn’t particularly anxious in most occasions but the techniques Abby used helped her calm her nerves. A moment later she decided to look for Abby’s present.

They had gone skiing together the winter before and Abby had adored every moment as she thrived in each task given to her. She was adventurous, skiing was right up her alley. For Carol it was an entirely different experience. She had fallen more times in that one weekend than she had since she was seven. It was lovely to see Abby having fun though. She had changed since her mother had fallen ill a few months prior. It was a long death sentence, she had passed in the summer. Abby had reacted with a mixture of emotions. She pretended to be fine for almost a month, but Carol was there with her after the funeral when she finally broke down. Abby’s mother had never been the kindest, the most understanding, they had never had the best relationship… But Abigail loved her mother, even after everything they had been through.

She glanced towards the particular isle she had planned to go to before something caught her eye. Carol walked towards the item and smiled, thinking on how Abby would positively hate the hat and how Carol would be in fits of laughter. She picked it up then headed towards the modernised ski sets.

Having been disappointed in the choice of ski sets available, Carol had brought the hat and stuffed it into her purse. The man behind the counter had been overly interested in her and she could barely stand to be around him. He flirted and clearly couldn’t take a hint.

She smoked another cigarette.

Finally in the toy department, Carol decided she would be slow with her walking as to calm her breathing. She was there to get a doll Rindy had specifically asked her for and since she would not be waiting at home for her that night, Carol had wanted something linking her to Rindy close by.

A large glass stared her in the eye, its shiny surface glinting in ways that attracted a customer to it. Usually Carol wouldn’t fall for it, but there was something about it that had her intrigued. The train set was painted in deep greens and red, fitting for Christmas.

She stepped to the side, her thigh brushed against a switch. _Just my luck._ The train stopped its rotation around the small display case. Carol looked up to her right slightly then realised the store was too busy to recognise the difference between a customer and an employee. She switched her gaze to the counter and found herself unable to look away. Stood there, staring back at her was a young woman with a perplexed expression. Carol gazed. The girl was beautiful in a natural sort of way. Timid, probably shy and looked incredibly out of place in a bustling place like Frankenberg’s. She noticed the girl wasn’t averting her eyes… Maybe she wasn’t shy at all.

Before she really had time to take in the girl’s features, a woman was standing in her way talking to the same girl who Carol had realized was an employee. She could see her trying to look around the customer and remain eye contact, but inevitably she had to look at the woman with the squirming child in her arms. _Drat._ Carol bit her lower lip lightly and looked to her left, finding an opening where she could think of what her next move would be.


End file.
